Americans Demand Breathalyzer Be Attached to Pete Hegseth’s Phone
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the outcry over the leaking of top-secret war plans, on Monday millions of Americans called for a breathalyzer to be attached to Pete Hegseth’s phone.
In an emotional apology at the Pentagon, Hegseth said that someone in his position “should never drink and text, and so I am giving up texting.”
According to national security experts, a journalist was given access to highly sensitive war plans that are normally available only to people using a public bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.
We also found out today that Hegseth shared the text messages of the plans to bomb Yemen with the editor of the Atlantic, because what is security when you’re drunk?
So, Sec Boozer MacRapey discussed war plans with others, mistakenly including an editor from The Atlantic, on the unsecure messaging app Signal. I wonder what his blood alcohol level was.
I think Li’l Marco was also on the chat. So, apparently, none of them suggested that maybe it wasn’t such a great idea. Clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right……….
I do not know if I believe the No Trump Russia people on "the Pentagon Scuttled Its Briefing of Musk on War Plans” but I have some hope that is not zero truth.
Elon Musk -- in the lead role of Rudolf Höss, and joined by Melania Trump in her laconic interpretation of Hedwig Höss -- will bring a live musical stage production of "The Zone of Interest" to the Kennedy Center this Springtime, featuring the hit song "What's That I Smell?" and "Somethin's Burnin'". All proceeds to go to MusKids™.
And, of course, Trump will have to defend this guy to the death.
Hegseth's, I mean.
Americans Demand Breathalyzer Be Attached to Pete Hegseth’s Phone
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the outcry over the leaking of top-secret war plans, on Monday millions of Americans called for a breathalyzer to be attached to Pete Hegseth’s phone.
In an emotional apology at the Pentagon, Hegseth said that someone in his position “should never drink and text, and so I am giving up texting.”
According to national security experts, a journalist was given access to highly sensitive war plans that are normally available only to people using a public bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.
And now, boasting of 100% OpSec on a commercial chat with The Atlantic editor-in-chief.
Is anyone else wondering if the civilian is safe, if he was set up to be a fall guy for a leak?
Law firms falling over themselves to keep their government clients doesn't bode well for people who may need to defend themselves.
Someone with a little technical whizbang want to make a whole lotta money?
Set up a sight with video of public appearances of Pete Hegseth and let people vote on whether they think he's drunk or hungover.
Doesn't matter where or what the topic is, my vote is hungover when it's related to Pistol Pete Hagsack.
Ta, Marcie. While reading this, I had a little fantasy of one of those trans troops beating the living shit out of Hicsloth.
I’ll bet ole Pistol Pete is throwin’ ‘em back right now. I can just about guarantee it.
✊🇺🇦🇺🇸😎
Secretary Beer Bong drunk texting again
Maybe the group text shit will be the first casualty of the Chump Administration. Ol' Pistol Pete made Dear Leader Daddy look stupid.
Should we tell the author about …nahhhh I’ll let them find out on their own
We also found out today that Hegseth shared the text messages of the plans to bomb Yemen with the editor of the Atlantic, because what is security when you’re drunk?
Commander is a Navy rank. Equal to a Lieutenant Colonel in other branches.
Why does Hegseth want Navy officers training Green Berets? Or does he not know Navy ranks are different than other branches?
Another scotch, and he'll probably know that.
So, Sec Boozer MacRapey discussed war plans with others, mistakenly including an editor from The Atlantic, on the unsecure messaging app Signal. I wonder what his blood alcohol level was.
It's cool. He's got a chauffer.
Ratcliffe, Vance, Waltz and others were also in a group chat.
Seems admin officials don’t want the “Deep State” to have a record of what they’re doing.
I think Li’l Marco was also on the chat. So, apparently, none of them suggested that maybe it wasn’t such a great idea. Clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right……….
Apparently, Tulsi was included, but she didn't say a word.
And she's white. Imagine how they treat Usha Vance.
I do not know if I believe the No Trump Russia people on "the Pentagon Scuttled Its Briefing of Musk on War Plans” but I have some hope that is not zero truth.
Meanwhile, Judge Rapey McBeerface is relieved that he is only the second most embarrassing drunk in a position of power.
"we’re bombing Houthis..."
And apparently accidentally including journalists in not-very-well-protected Sekrit Groop Chatz about it on Signal.
https://bsky.app/profile/donnayoungdc.bsky.social/post/3ll5iooohls25
That should lead to a gift link for The Trump Admin Texted Me Its War Plans at The Atlantic. It's quite a story.
"New phone. Houthis?"
LMAO It's 1:38 AM and my dog is staring at me!
I love you.
ARTS NEWS:
Elon Musk -- in the lead role of Rudolf Höss, and joined by Melania Trump in her laconic interpretation of Hedwig Höss -- will bring a live musical stage production of "The Zone of Interest" to the Kennedy Center this Springtime, featuring the hit song "What's That I Smell?" and "Somethin's Burnin'". All proceeds to go to MusKids™.
JUST IN:
Sources confirm that Donald J. Trump is the choreographer!