While We Were Drinking: More Coherent Than the Bush Twins

Wonkette reporter Neal has thought about his life and he's realized he'd like to spend it summarizing the evening news shows. Continues after the jump.

Philadelphia has a bit of an inferiority complex, being only 90 miles away from New York City and all. ButBill Clintonkicked off a week of stumping forJohn Kerryin Philadelphia, giving the city a rare bit of good news. Clinton's appearance was the story of the night by far, except for, uhh...William Renquisthaving cancer and stuff...

Who says nepotism doesn't count: Hardball(MSNBC, 7PM) broadcasts live from Philadelphia. Interviews include Kerry and an all-star roster of cheesesteak and Yuengling lager loving Philly types.. PA Gov.Ed Rendell, Sen.Rick Santorum, Rep.Chaka Fattahand....Chris Matthews's brother,Jim Mathews, suburban Philadelphia county commissioner. Seriously, what the fuck?

What you missed: Chris Matthews fawning over John Kerry like a schoolgirl. Ed Rendell pontificating on what he would do as president. Rick Santorum going for a whole interview without mentioning man-on-dog sex.

Dick Tracy and Mary Poppins, oh my: Head vs. head onCapital Report(CNBC, 7PM)Al Sharptonand Republican talking headRobert Traynham. Traynham = total tool who cannot answer a straight question and says with a straight face that Republicans would never do dirty tricks. Question of the day: Al Sharpton, "How come, if Dick Tracy and Mary Poppins showing up as registered voters on the rolls, the Republicans are against lawyers monitoring the election for fairness?" Rerun of Today Show's John Kerry interview.Larry Eichelof Philadelphia Inquirer/Temple University andChuck Clark of Orlando Sentinel discuss their respective states and the media.

What you missed: The hazy soft-focus of the Kerry interview that made the candidate's crags and five o'clock shadow magically disappear.

John Kerry eats babies: The O'Reilly Factor(FNC, 8PM) headlines with their "Kerry almost-interview", withJeffrey Berryof Tufts University andMarianne Marsh("Fox News Analyst"/token Democrat) answering questions... as they imagine John Kerry would answer them. And you thought mock interviews didn't exist outside j-school. Sample questions included "Why did you vote against military action in Iraq when it would mean more Iraqi women raped, more Kuwaitis killed and more Kurds gassed?" and "Why did you say only Afghan soldiers were used to go after Osama Bin Laden, when Tommy Franks said US Special Forces were embedded along them?" O'Reilly foaming at mouth when asking questions. This will continue into Tuesday. God help us all.

Fair and accurate watch: Talking HeadErnie Paicopolosof FNC's in-house polling firm, Opinion Dynamics, described as "independent pollster".

Erasing tapes makes baby Jesus cry: Nevermind the election, what Keith Olbermann ofCountdown(MSNBC, 8PM) is REALLY worried about is the possibility of anyAndrea Mackrisdiscarding any tapes she might have as a result of an out of court settlement. In interview w/Keith Harwoodof Wall Street Journal: "Unscripted moments are not where Bush shines in this campaign."

Olbermannism of the night: "Ashlee Simpson's appearance on Saturday Night Live is theZaprauderfilm of lip synching."

Iowans - Homey and Cute!: Paula Zahn Now(CNN, 8PM) has Sens.Joseph BidenandKay Bailey Hutchisonas their token high-profile guests. Short interview with partisan bickering-a-go-go. Which means lots of additional time for.... interviews with campaign workers! Lots of old Iowan ladies for Bush interviewed - They are more likable thanDonald Rumsfeld.

Reader mail of the night: From theAbrams Report, MSNBC, "I understand Bill O'Reilly is adding a 'no spin zone' vibrator to his clothing line. Will you be ordering one?"

If you ask hard questions, you're aiding the terrorists: The first half of an interview withPresident Bushappears onHannity and Colmes(FNC, 9PM). Interview takes place on the seashore, Bush dressed up like on a golf holiday, more pre-staged than Cheney's bales of hay interview. Sean Hannity keeps on sucking up to Bush, tells him "You are a competitor, an athlete." No, dude, Bush was actually a cheerleader back in school. Sorry. Sample question: "Will you gut Social Security, bring back the draft and suppress the African-American vote as the Democratic Party contends?"

Perfidious Albion Watch: Sean Hannity gets all crazy and incoherent about a columnist for the Guardian calling for the assassination of President Bush. America hopes in vain for Hannity to call Guardian editorial staff a bunch of fookin' northern wankers, doesn't happen.

More coherent than the Bush twins: Larry King Live(CNN, 9PM) splits between aJohn Edwardsinterview during the show's first half andKerry daughters Vanessa and Alexandrain the second half. Edwards attacks on North Korea and stem cells... Chokes just like the Yankees at the end though, when asked how he expects Tuesday to go, stares vacantly into the camera for two seconds before answering that him and Kerry will beat Bush. Alexandra and Vanessa Kerry field softball questions, discuss the Red Sox.

Overall: Bill Clinton won the news shows for the Democrats. Retired or not, the man is genuinely loved by the public. His Philadelphia appearance has done more to assure the Dems the Philadelphia/Pittsburgh suburban vote than the past nine months of the campaign. Concerns about Rehnquist's health also contribute to Kerry's win, with pundits worrying about the future of Roe Vs. Wade and the

court's right-wing leanings. Monday = Big win for Kerry.