While We Were Sleeping: John Kerry Causes Painful Itching and Burning

New reporter and early riser Dan surfs the terrifying perkiness that is the morning news show sked. In this issue: He sticks to Fox & Friends, pretty much. Continues after the jump.

FOX & FRIENDS FIRST (FNC)

Steve Doocyand the scorching hotKiran Chetrydiscuss new ads from theKerrycampaign and a Bush-aligned 527 using 9/11.

Sascha Burns, plastic-smiled Dem strategist vs.Chris Ingram, Republican strategist. . .

Burns: The choice betweenKerryandBushis one of reason vs. faith. Compares Bush to a cheating husband asking spouse, "Who are you gonna believe, me or your eyes?"

Ingram: Kerry campaign is "exploiting 9/11," using "scare tactics" regarding the draft, social security, and the flu vaccine. "What next? Is he gonna blame the President for the bunions, corns and bedsores of our nation's seniors?"

IMUS IN THE MORNING (MSNBC)

Arts & Leisure columnistFrank Rich: Says he boughtBill O'Reilly'schildren's book at the Penn Station bookstore and the bookseller thought he was asking for porn.

Paul Begala, CNN: Claims Astros fandom but can't name their second baseman; Imus calls him a phony. Imus asks what happened withJon Stewart. "Were you even on that day?" Begala complains that Stewart had no specifics and then got into it withTucker, so how was he supposed to respond? "He's a little full of himself," says Begala. Also, notes Begala, Jon Stewart's a kettle, and is black.

FOX & FRIENDS (FNC)

David Frum: Bush's 9/11 ad is warm and fuzzy, Kerry's "like a shot to the kidneys." Hits the "post-9/11 world" button, then gleefully makesDukakisreferences and reminds the commentators of Kerry's "space Snoopy suit." Surprisingly, FNC producers are not fleet-fingered enough to call up image. Oh, also Kerry is using "scare tactics."

Jennifer Millerwise, Bush Deputy Comm. Director vs.Debra Deshong, Kerry Sr. Advisor:

Deshong: Makes a number of excessively vague points; ripped a new one by E.D. Hill on the draft.

Millerwise: John Kerry has a pre-9/11 mindset in a post-9/11 world.

Lloyd Glick, father of 9/11 Flight 93 victim Jeremy Glick: Sports helped my son fight terrorists.

Mickey Blum, pollster: Most new voters are skewing Kerry, but many of them won't vote. Incumbents don't collect higher vote percentages than their final poll. (Steve Doocy: "So if Bush is polling at, say, 52%...")

Bill Kristol, Weekly Standard: Mary Cheneycomment was out-of-bounds, and Kerry is losing women as a result. Bush has not given the big picture on his accomplishments in the past three years of the war on terrorism. Compares Bush toHarry Truman: a domestic president turned by circumstance into a foreign policy president.

Dennis Roddy, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette: Bush is getting killed on abortion in moderate Republican Philly suburbs. Campaign's plan to go after "New Deal Western part of the state" may be "from outer space."

John Podhoretz, New York Post: John Kerry's campaign is revolutionary in that it is exclusively negative.

OVERALL

Republicans take the morning.Message of the day: Republicans really, really care about your bunions, corns and bedsores.

Can you successfully operate a remote control before seven in the morning? Do you have a high tolerance for awkward banter? Are you smarter than Bill Hemmer? You may have what it takes to be our second Dan . . .