While You Were Sleeping Honoring the Presidents

Happy three-day weekend! Here's what's going on, in case you're one of those idiots dumb enough to be at work today:

* George Washington Resigned! 

* All the critics love WALNUTS in Iowa. 

* NASCAR got even gayer. 

* Scrotum! 

* Robot cars will enslave us all. 

* Joe Biden: PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEE!