White House Offers Sweet New Accommodation For Slut Pill-Haters, That Should Fix It

Damnit. DamnIT. DAMN IT!!! 

The Obama administration announced on Friday a new accommodation for religious non-profits that object to covering the full range of contraceptives in their employee health care plans.

The new accommodation will allow religious non-profits, such as Catholic schools and hospitals, to opt out of covering birth control by notifying the Department of Health and Human Services of their objections. HHS and the Department of Labor will then arrange for a third-party insurer to pay for and administer the coverage for the non-profits' employees so that women still receive the contraceptive coverage guaranteed to them by the Affordable Care Act.

Look. It's not like we don't all understand why the Obama administration has to go back to the drawing board -- AGAIN -- to figure out how to help women access basic health care even when their employers Sincerely Believe^TMtheir basic health care makes Jesus sad. Thanks to the Supreme Court's bullcraptastic Hobby Lobby decision (yep, still mad about that; yep, still plan to be mad about that FOREVER), it is now the law that employers can opt out of abiding by the law as long as they sincerely believe that law should not apply to them because REASONS. With the incredibly important footnote, of course, that this applies only to laws that affect ladies and their so-called "health care"; obviously, this does not apply to regular people and their real health care, "such as immunizations, [which] may be supported by different interests (for example, the need to combat the spread of infectious diseases)." Because that would be ridiculous!

Of course, when the Obama administration first announced that insurers must cover preventive health care for Lady-Americans, it invited the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops to take a break from protecting pedophile priests and weigh in with their deep thoughts on women's health care, which are relevant because REASONS. But of course, despite the absurd opt-out accommodations offered to such religious entities, that was not enough because, in case you'd forgotten, the bishops and evangelical wingnuts insisted that anything short of prohibiting all American women from even thinking the words "birth control" was an all-out war on the First Amendment and religious liberty and just like Pearl Harbor and 9/11 .

So the administration offered even MORE accommodations. Yet other groups, like Christian safety school Wheaton College and the Whiny Sisters of the Poor , have filed lawsuits claiming that even the accommodations offered to them because they are so extra-special are STILL too burdensome, poor dears. And what is that too-burdensome accommodation again?

The form asks for the name of the “objecting organization” and the name, title, address and phone number of the person certifying that it opposes providing contraceptive coverage.

Oh right. You can really see how having to write out their entire name AND address AND phone number would really impede their ability to scream at women outside of health care clinics or whatever the hell these true believers do to "exercise" their "religion." You see, if they sign the form, then their slutty employees could still get baby-killer pills, just not paid for by the nonprofit, so OPPRESSION.

However, because making health care decisions for ladies is now a recognized right -- thanks a LOT, Supreme Court man-justices (except for Justice Stephen Breyer, you're cool), please go fuck yourselves with a gavel -- the Obama administration is hoping to make all those other lawsuits go away by screaming "Uncle!" and allowing anyone who invokes the magic words "Religious Beliefs" to opt out of having to abide by the law with even less effort, as if that were possible. Which is a lovely thought, and if we lived in the United States of Utopia, that just might work.

But this is America, damnit -- DAMN IT! -- and we can pretty well guesstimate that this latest accommodation still won't be enough. The same idiots who think birth control is bad and wrong because REASONS will keep suing and suing and suing some more forever and ever until they get their way. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't; their Republican pals in Congress pinky-swear that they don't want to take away anyone's birth control. They just want lazy dumb sluts who can't keep their legs closed to pay for it themselves. But if you really think there is anything the Obama administration can do, short of giving these Bible-humpers their ultimate wish to ban all lady health care entirely, well, there's a bridge to nowhere you might also be interested in purchasing.

[ HuffPo ]