White Newborns, Mitt Romney Will Speak For You

Hello, babies. This is Mitt Romney's newest ad. It speaks to the greatest fear of white newborns everywhere: their share of the American debt, coupled with the fear of unemployment in 18-22 years, give or take. (Although why this literal teat-sucker is opposed to becoming a figurative teat-sucker later on, I do not know.)

Oh, and Mitt? Unsolicited tip: the lady in the ad should have turned to the camera at the end and said, "And I was raped." Immediate victory in all elections.

After yesterday determining that 47% of America are moochers, we have identified one who is not: this little girl, who possesses no filthy moocher qualities that make her unreachable via political ad. But we must then determine who the moochers are, if not little white babies who are helpless to do anything but not be mistaken for the Hot Cheetos & Takis kids.

Jim Geraghty at the National Review breaks it down for us in two parts.  First, he refers to a nice lady at a rally who says that Obama being president will mean she no longer has to worry about things.

For some reason, this is taken as her asking for government handouts, despite not asking for government handouts. Because this is a really, really stupid argument, Geraghty continues by pointing to people falling for multiple scams: one, a fake federal program for paying utility bills; another, a stimulus check giveaway; a third , a cellphone bill scam; and a fourth, another stimulus scam.

A normal human being might look at this and say, "Wow, there are a lot of hard-up people looking for help, and it's really quite scummy to play on their hopes and fears in a blatant effort to rip them off." This is why normal human beings do not write for the National Review.

There's only one rule that we know of, babies: "Don't stand in line with poor black people."

Follow it.

[ Time ]