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WHO IS READY FOR A DEMOCRATIC DEBATE IT IS ALLLL OF USSSSS!
What a week we've had today!
What is even up, fuckers? I am coming to you from 5: 19 p.m. in the mythical "Mountain Time," if it even exists, having a delicious glass of sumpin, and listening to Jim Jordan being HILARIOUS while he pouts and weeps because he did not even get his witnesses and then Adam Schiff was like "here are all of the witnesses you requested" and then Jim Jordan explained that just because they put some names on a list, and then Adam Schiff brought those people in to testify, that =/= getting the witnesses they wanted. Jim Jordan, everybody! This guy's great!
Anyway, Evan is not even liveblogging at you, I am liveblogging at you, which means tonight is going to be a clusterfuck of Wonkette proportions. A) I have gotten super bad at typing! (I blame the new Mac keyboard and not my ELDERLY FINGErS AND PERIMENOPAUSAL BRAIN.) B) I cut the cord like a common millennial and Sling ain't got no pause/rewind! C) Kinda rusty, what with making Evan do it all these years now. D) Somebody gonna be HAMMERED, and that little girl? Was me.
Now that it is 5: 29 pm, I will see you in some hours after I drink more and watch Jim Jordan more. I can't get enough of that sallow, bloated, seedy, balding daddy who yells so much and is stupid a lot. Whoosh whoosh whoosh time machine it's 6:30 my time or 8:30 eastern. Let's live through this!
8: 56: Democrats are on the stage and they are just about half ladies and that is pretty great. Do remember to let your vagina breathe at night, and also let it vote.
9: 02: It's MADDOW TIME!
MADDOW: Who got IMPEACHMENT FEVER? Everybody right?
WARREN: Fuckin' duh Rachel. When we didn't impeach him after the Mueller Report, he did like Nancy Pelosi promised and *impeached himself.* Now that I am correct and we are all correct unless there's an idiot up here who's against impeaching this motherfucker already, let me pivot to BURN THE BILLIONAIRES, or "don't let them be ambassador just for $, which in their mind is SAME THING."
AMY KLOBUCHAR: Somebody ask for an idiot? Well, it's NOT ME! That dude needs to be impeached like a motherfucker, already. And I will impeach him TWICE for killing the farmers and also the Kurds.
MADDOW: Bernie Sanders, who you gonna BERN?
SANDERS: We all agree lady. But there is more to America than Donald Trump and I am going to talk about BILLIONAYUHS and RIGGED and okay fine.
MADDOW: Mayor Pete, what up?
PETE BUTTIGIEG: Dude suxxxxxx. (The president. Not Pete. Although we are frequently annoyed by him and he better not be a bitch about Elizabeth Warren tonight.) You guys know the president stole from charity?
Yes, we knew!
ANDREA WHATSERNAME: Joe Biden, can you say words in a row and make them make sense?
BIDEN: Maaaaybe? I am electable. Trump is afraid of me. Putin doesn't want me to be president, just like he didn't want Hillary to be president, so good luck all of us!
KAMALA HARRIS: First, Ima put all the criminals in JAIL because COP, but only the criminals who are Donald Trump. Everybody else gets a pass from me, TOP COP.
ELIZABETH WARREN: I am going to murder the billionaires by making them give me two cents for each dollar over 50 gazillion dollars, MAN they are fucking butthurt about it, never shut up, I swear to God. Anyway, the country will be united over the warming bonfire that is their flaming corpses that had to pay two cents.
CORY BOOKER: Tax cheats are bad and we should tax capital gains and have an estate tax, but for some reason I don't like Warren's wealth tax. JESUS, EVERYONE!
WARREN: WTF, CORY. You hate children and students and black ladies and HBCUs, like SOME KIND OF DICK???
BOOKER: I totally agree and yet for some reason I DO NOT AGREE. "Wealth tax is 'cumbersome.'" Oh Cory. Yuck.
ANDREA WHATSERNAME: Pete Buttigieg, are you the new Obama with the purple states and we shouldn't fight and whatnot?
PETE: Yeah. We shouldn't fight about healthcare, which is why I was such a dick to Warren last time, with the "how will you paaaaay for it even though I was for singlepayer eight months ago," that Rebecca
hates me now.is trying really hard not to hate me now. But I am the unifier. WORSHIP ME.
Guys, if we're gonna do an hour on M4A again, I will turn this fucking liveblog around and GO HOME.
SOMEBODY, I DIDNT SEE: Bernie Sanders, do we have to BERN IT DOWN? Please note I am not asking you how will we paaaay for it, because only Elizabeth Warren has to answer that.
SANDERS: CORRECT THINGS THAT I WILL GET FOUR PINOCCHIOS ON FIRE FOR BECAUSE WAPO IS A DICK.
BIDEN: M4A sux, the Senate sux, the House sux, nobody will let us have anything nice.
ASHLEY PARKER I THINK BUT SHE HAS A NEW HAIRDO: Tulsi Gabbard, are you running against Hillary Clinton?
GABBARD: Yeah, she suxxxxx.
SOMEBODY: Kamala Harris are YOU Hillary Clinton?
KAMALA HARRIS: Oh sure! Let me do something about the person on this stage who should not be here, because this time I am ready for a shiv. ASSAD SAYS WHAT, LITTLE GIRL?
GABBARD: Harris is "trafficking in lies" and loves war and that's pretty rich coming from me, a literal Assad apologist who sneaked into Trump Tower to audition for SecState before that piece of shit was inaugurated, and I Am America.
Maya Rudolph needs to come back this weekend and snatch somebody's very attractive Susan Sontag streak.
9: 30: Steyer, you're a billionaire. Do you SUXXXXX?
STEYER: Except for being a narcissist who thinks he should be here instead of doing something useful, I'm actually a pretty good guy Rebecca doesn't hate. Plus some other words. But mostly narcissist and also useless.
ANDREW YANG: I agree with Rebecca. He spends his money on good stuff. Words.
ANDREA: Pete Buttigieg, you can't win statewide, and your city has fewer people than Rebecca's childhood suburb. How you win?
PETE: Gonna yell at Liz Warren is how. And also bring up my military service without making people want to frag me like some Tulsi Gabbards I could name. [Ed note: Please do not frag anyone, it is against the rules.]
SOMEBODY: Amy Klobs, does Pete suxxxxx?
AMY KLOBS: No, he is a very nice young man but also pussy power, and something nice about Nancy Pelosi.
Joe Biden, do women suxxxx?
JOE BIDEN: I am the biggest woman lover on this stage and the president of Tangiers knows me and i know him and christ he is filibustering like Ben Shapiro, all fast and Rebecca can't keep up, but not lying or with a helium voice.
CORY BOOKER: I am going to do a transdimensional squid attack, bring errebody together!
MADDOW: Hey Joe, can we lock Trump up after his term?
BIDEN: DOJ is neutral and president is neutral and I won't tell anybody do anything and also probably nah.
Joe Biden, buzzkill : (
SANDERS: Joe is right.
Bernie Sanders, buzzkill : (
ASHLEY: Andrew Yang, Elizabeth Warren has a paid leave and childcare plan and I am pretty sure Kamala Harris does too, so I'm going to ask you about it instead.
YANG: Correct words. That's nice. I like Yang better than Cory Booker tonight. SEE? The race is fluid!
KLOBUCHAR: Not to be a bitch, and I'm not throwing elbows at Kamala in particular, but three months ONLY because my whole gig is "oh, we can't afford that." Still, three months paid leave is exponentially better than the none we have now.
PS: Does anybody's plan use the unemployment insurance system to pay out family leave instead of putting it on employers? Somebody should ask Dok to look it up?
HARRIS: Six months or GTFO! And now I'm gonna talk about equal pay and alllll kinds of shit, and BRING IT KAMALA.
STEYER: I am a billionaire so I know *a little about* inequality. I have nice ideas about things and let's do policy and housing and resources and please don't burn me.
10: 00 sorry I keep forgetting timestamps, IT'S GOING REALLY FAST YOU GUYS.
MADDOW: Trump's bribes to farmers for the trade war now double the cost of the auto bailout. Would you continue the bailouts?
PETE: Farms. Excellent point about carbon.
MADDOW: But the question?
MADDOW: Question for Gabbard.
GABBARD: Doesn't matter if I answer this question correctly, I am a pud.
STEYER: CLIMATE EMERGENCY. I am the new Jay Inslee but not as SEXXXXY DADDY.
BIDEN: Climate IS the existential issue, so don't lecture ME Tom Steyer! Now I am going to shit on Tom Steyer, who did coal like WHOA BIG. Let's FIGHT!
STEYER: Yeah, I did coal. It was hot and sweet and $. Now maybe somebody should pass a law! And that somebody should be Jay Inslee or else me!
SANDERS: I introduced legislation. But also MADDOW'S question was BAD. We do not have decades! Hurricanes! Climate refugees! Dogs and cats living together! That coal dick who sued Rebecca and Wonkette!
ANDREA WHATSERNAME: Senator Harris, would you cuddle and snuggle Kim Jong Un?
HARRIS: Donald Trump is a punk. Sorry not sorry.
ANDREA: Joe Biden, what would you do that Barack Obama didn't?
JOE BIDEN: Just gonna run out the time because obviously I would not do anything differently ever.
ANDREA: Bernie Sanders, foreign policy and war and such as?
SANDERS: WAR, HUH, IT IS NOT GOOD FOR ANYTHING.
Now it is time for questions about Hong Kong and Jamal Khashoggi, and Rebecca is a little bummed out. : (
MADDOW: Warren, do you love military and war?
WARREN: Sure yup! Shared service matters, working together matters, probably about to talk about it as an engine of mobility or maybe I won't.
MADDOW: Mayor Pete, would you keep military spending the same or what?
PETE: Facts and such. China. AI. Ships. "21st century security strategy, Trump loves alligators and WALL."
10: 30 PM: SOMEBODY, ASHLEY MAYBE: Sup with white supremacism and woman-murder?
YANG: Fuckin' right? Correct thing for maybe the third time in a row tonight, when i explain that we don't have a law against "domestic terrorism" so nobody can even count it proper. We need to talk to boys and not let them go on 8chan ever, and Robyn should really be fielding this part.
BIDEN: Reauthorize VAWA, which I am mentioning for the second time tonight. People are really shitty to women, they hurt them and murder them instead of standing behind them and sniffing their hair.
Also, people should fight white supremacism and violence by punching it, for real, actual phrasing.
Kamala Harris, why did you rag on Pete just for using a stock photo of "Africa" to represent black Americans?
HARRIS: Well, I'm not sorry about that either. Pete apologized and that is nice, but do more for black people and black women. "Where you been, and what are you gonna do?"
PETE: Harris is so right, and I want to be better, and ... yeah, doesn't have an awesome record with the African American constituents in his own city, so not really buying it.
HARRIS: Smile with a shiv in it. We have to remake the Obama coalition, since that's the last time we won. Everybody is going to have to be judged on their experience which shows their ability.
WARREN: What are we willing to get in the fight for? Sen. Harris brings up economic justice, let's talk about racial inequality in student loans! LET'S FORGIVE DEBT IT'S TANGIBLE AND REAL and she is correct.
ASHLEY I THINK: What about the WALL? Should we spend taxpayer $ on taking it down, ELIZABETH WARREN?
Why is every question to Warren always about taxpayer money? Every fucking time.
BOOKER: Wall bad. Black voters good and also me. Joe Biden said this week that marijuana shouldn't be legalized, "laugh line about Joe Biden which Biden can barely crack a fake smile at," and brings up the racial disparity in enforcement, and why it matters.
Hating Booker slightly less right now.
BIDEN: I think we should decriminalize it and I do not have a joke. But now I am going to mention my support in the black community and REALLLLY fuck it up by talking about my endorsement from the "only black woman ever elected to the US Senate" (guess he means Carol Mosely-Braun?) and Cory and Kamala both are like WAVING THEIR ARMS LIKE BLACK FEMALE US SENATOR RIGHT HERE! and he claims he said first but he said only and OH LORD Joe Biden is bad when he's heated, he gets all IN A TIZZY and oh Joe, let's sit and have some rhubarb soda, that'll be nice, maybe get a cool washcloth for your forehead during this THANK GOD TV BREAK.
MADDOW: Since nobody has ever asked about abortion in the debates, who here loves abortion most?
KLOBS: Me. [reasons]
WARREN: Me. [reasons]
MADDOW: No, I asked you if pro-life Democrats should be burned with the billionaires?
WARREN: I am not the judge and executioner except of delicious unborn babies.
SANDERS: ME. [reasons] "Women feel very strongly about this."
BOOKER: ME. Because Stacey Abrams should be governor and she would not sign bad abortion bills. I am going to bring up voter suppression since nobody AMONG THE QUESTIONERS DID.
MADDOW: I WAS GETTING TO THAT, OKAY. Pete?
AMY KLOBS: EXPERIENCE.
PETE: Washington experience is not the only thing that matters. I have the experience of being a small town mayor who is over 35 barely and sorry, hating Pete again.
GABBARD: Something about voting rights but also just being veterans doesn't mean we're able to be commander in chief, and oh look who Tulsi's shitting on now! (Did Pete really say he'd send troops to Mexico??? Yikes.)
PETE: NO, REBECCA, I DID NOT really say that! Tulsi's a fucking dirty liar, I was talking about supporting each other, and OH NOW WHO'S GETTING SHIVED, IT'S TULSI ON ASSAD.
SANDERS: I THINK WE WERE TALKING ABOUT VOTING RIGHTS NOT WHICH OF THESE WHELPS LOVES ASSAD AND WHICH LOVES SENDING TROOPS TO MEXICO.
STEYER: Team Bernie.
BOOKER: John Lewis, and I think Tom Steyer's dad who was an attorney in the Nuremberg trials?
STEYER: The rich are different from you. We have more money. (Just kidding. But he did say I'm different from the others on this stage so you can see how I couldn't help it.)
GABBARD: Respect and compassion. Aloha. Like when I respected Kamala Harris in that other debate and shived her until she was like 3 percent in the polls. I love Martin Luther King.
YANG: I'm a wife guy. The future is terrible. GIVe YoU THoSaNd YeArS of GlOrY.
AMY KLOBS: You guys like those impeachment hearings? Fuck yeh.
KAMALA HARRIS: Gonna scrap and fight and win. Fight the fight. Win the win. Able the ability. Trump the Trump. Bar the Barr. Boof the Kav. Jeff the Sessions. Unify and experience the unity and experientials. Race and gender and location and language. Kamala for the people. I am a cop not a corporation. Justice. Superhero. Me, Kamala.
PETE: Black people! Many memorized sentences about a black man in Atlanta, I don't know, his words always just kind of pass me right by, you guys, I"M SORRY, I AM REALLY TRYING.
SANDERS: I GOT ARRESTED FOR CIVIL RIGHTS WHEN I WAS 21 YEARS OLD WHICH IS MATH 57 YEARS AGO. I AM VERY POPULAR. I LOVE IMMIGRANTS AND DO NOT CAGE THEM. GIVE ME EIGHTEEN DOLLARS. REBECCA DOESN'T HATE ME ANYMORE, SHE HATES OTHER PEOPLE NOW.
WARREN: I will touch people all over the country but not sniff their hair like Joe is always doing. We need change, and also to grab the guns, we should have talked about that. CORRUPTION! Not by me. TAX RETURNS. Courage! Progress! ATTACK! (The corruption.) I am now speaking more than I did the entire debate, guess I should have shived Tulsi or Pete but I like it better over here where it is quiet. PROGRESS!
BIDEN: WERE YOU TALKING SHIT ABOUT BARACK? I WILL FIGHT YOU BEHIND THE GYM WITH DONALD TRUMP. SERIOUSLY I AM YELLING BUT IT'S NOT CHARMING LIKE WHEN BERNIE DOES IT, I AM JUST MAD I GUESS.
And that is the closing statements and our closing statement is see you for MORE LIVEBLOG tomorrow morning at asscrack JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE OF LIVEBLOG.
We love you! Sleep sweet!
MONEY. YOU'RE WELCOME.