Who Will Be Elected As New House Speaker Once John Boehner Is Torn Apart And Boiled In Oil?

It seems clear that sad sot Speaker of the House John "Whiskeydick" Boehner has not had a firm grip on his "caucus" in the two years since Sarah Palin screeching about death panels sent a pack of wild tarded dogs to Congress. No matter how hard Boehner has tried to tack "crazy," his barely leashed idiots know that he is congenitally a Wall Street, pro-business Republican who does not actually want to bankrupt the country, because bankrupting the country is bad for his fellows in the boardroom. The fact that John Boehner does not actually want to bankrupt the country, of course, makes him a Communist, because "logic." Well, your Louie Gohmerts and your Somebody Amashes and whomever are not thrilled, and it is only a matter of time before chunks of bloody John Boehner flesh are piled in a heap at NRA Headquarters.

So who will follow him as Speaker of the House? The naked malevolence that is Eric Cantor? PROBABLY. But let us go further "outside the box," like Breitbart keeps doing (oh wait no, he is definitely inside a box), and remind ourselves that you do not actually have to be a member of the House to be the Speaker of the House!

NO LIMITS DUDES.

Who will be the next Speaker of the House?

• A Bushmaster AR-15.

• A pile of human shit.

• Michele Bachmann.

• The kids who murdered Piggy.

• Newt Gingrich.

• Ghost Andrew Breitbart.

• The rotted corpse of Ronald Reagan.

• The Pope.

• Charlotte Allen.

• The Ayatollah Khomeini.

• Colonel Kurtz.

• Bill Ayers.

• Mel Gibson.

• Walmart. Just 'Walmart.'

We don't know dudes. It could go in any direction! But we're gonna go with "a pile of human shit."