I'm conflicted about the concept of the rapture. If all the evangelicals, fundies, conservatives, and other Christo-fascist bigots (I repeat myself) are raptured, nearly all Republicans would disappear, the red states would be mostly empty, and the world would be a much better place. However, if it was real, that would mean the only people who would be raptured would be the few decent, real Christians out there and that would be bad. Then again, those seem to be rare in the US.
Oh good. The Rapture has a schedule, a hashtag, and a merch table. Humanity has finally outsourced its apocalypse to TikTok prophets and people who keep receipts for heavenly receipts.
If heaven really needs a two-day window, they’re doing it in true American fashion: staggered release, deluxe option, VIP floaters only. Meanwhile the rest of us will be here, trying to remember the Wi-Fi password and whether we unplugged the iron.
If you want to prepare, sure—pack snacks, clean your underwear, and maybe don’t livestream your salvation. Some mysteries deserve silence, not trending soundtracks.
Blessed are the ones who keep a towel and a sense of proportion.
I wonder what their excuse will be this time when nothing much happens.
Superstition has replaced science for far too many people. Though an apocalypse would spare us from enduring another 3-month-long Christmas shopping frenzy. And, if done right and it apocalypses all the WingNuts while leaving the rest of us here, that would indeed be a miracle.
I'm sure at least a few people have already posted this, but for those of you who are latecomers (like me) and are trying to get caught up as quickly as possible and only reading, like, the first page of comments—I present to you, one of my favorite openers of "Six Feet Under."
First off, thanks very much for assembling all these very delusional people in one place for my entertainment. I will have lots of fun in the coming days visiting these people's feeds to see how they spin their inevitable disappointment.
Second, as any aficionado of Flight of the Conchords can tell you, that lady's accent is not Australian but definitely New Zealand-ish. You can also tell by this simple test: take a word that has a soft "e" sound like "wet". We pronounce it as "weht", Australians pronounce it as "wayt" and New Zealanders pronounce it as "weet."
Well it’s Thursday. Did the rapture happen yesterday?
I'm conflicted about the concept of the rapture. If all the evangelicals, fundies, conservatives, and other Christo-fascist bigots (I repeat myself) are raptured, nearly all Republicans would disappear, the red states would be mostly empty, and the world would be a much better place. However, if it was real, that would mean the only people who would be raptured would be the few decent, real Christians out there and that would be bad. Then again, those seem to be rare in the US.
So Tuesday came and went
Today must be the day!
Going to need to act quick to snag on the left behind valuables
Hello anyone still here?
What if I volunteer to be a post rapture pet caregiver & it's the one good deed that puts me over the top & gets me raptured?
Oh good. The Rapture has a schedule, a hashtag, and a merch table. Humanity has finally outsourced its apocalypse to TikTok prophets and people who keep receipts for heavenly receipts.
If heaven really needs a two-day window, they’re doing it in true American fashion: staggered release, deluxe option, VIP floaters only. Meanwhile the rest of us will be here, trying to remember the Wi-Fi password and whether we unplugged the iron.
If you want to prepare, sure—pack snacks, clean your underwear, and maybe don’t livestream your salvation. Some mysteries deserve silence, not trending soundtracks.
Blessed are the ones who keep a towel and a sense of proportion.
"There’s also this lady on TikTok offering hot rapture tips, and no one seems to be able to tell if it’s satire or not."
She's taken her account private. Not very helpful of her!
wrote a little story about my rapture trauma / happy to shamelessly repost today in commemoration
I wonder what their excuse will be this time when nothing much happens.
Superstition has replaced science for far too many people. Though an apocalypse would spare us from enduring another 3-month-long Christmas shopping frenzy. And, if done right and it apocalypses all the WingNuts while leaving the rest of us here, that would indeed be a miracle.
I'm sure at least a few people have already posted this, but for those of you who are latecomers (like me) and are trying to get caught up as quickly as possible and only reading, like, the first page of comments—I present to you, one of my favorite openers of "Six Feet Under."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pV-_GDveft8
I got raptured earlier this year. The surgery to correct it was not complicated. They opened a small hole and put a mesh patch on it.
First off, thanks very much for assembling all these very delusional people in one place for my entertainment. I will have lots of fun in the coming days visiting these people's feeds to see how they spin their inevitable disappointment.
Second, as any aficionado of Flight of the Conchords can tell you, that lady's accent is not Australian but definitely New Zealand-ish. You can also tell by this simple test: take a word that has a soft "e" sound like "wet". We pronounce it as "weht", Australians pronounce it as "wayt" and New Zealanders pronounce it as "weet."
Yeah she sounds like a New Zealander to me too, not Australian.
yawn
this is, like, the twelfth one of these just since the millennialism died down
rapture prophets should publicly divest themselves of all their assets. since they’re sure they won’t need them
Today I should be able to fill out my Rapture Punchcard. I don't know what I can use it for, maybe a foot-long sub or something?
but the one lady's gonna take her debit card. If we still need to remember all of our passwords there I ain't going.
I was ruptured once.
I love a good rapture story. I needed the laughs. Thanks, Robyn!
My favorite part of Melissa’s list is the ammo location-not the guns, just the ammo