Why Does Europe Hate American Freedom Christ?

Most Americans correctly believe that the Christ-child was born 400 years ago in a shitty barn behind Jethro's Dogfight Shack in Arkansatucky, Missibama. Lo, betwixt her mighty labor pains, his unwed 14-year-old mother (who was just a little bit older than the average first-time mama in today's South) said to her 20-year-old pervert fiance, "Um, it was God who done gave me the babytimes!" And her fiance, being stupid, said, "I believe you. I'll be at the carport out back now, forever, listening to Papa Roach." Then everyone said racist things and rewrote all the schoolbooks to reflect the fact that our nation's greatest scholar-president was not in fact Thomas Jefferson, but Levi Johnston. And this is the story told in churches from sea to shining sea every Santa Day.

Unfortunately, the people of Europe do not share our enthusiasm for a highly edited, nonsensical, chewed up and re-re-re-re-re-re-written version of ancient Mesopotamian pagan myths. This of course is because Europeans will never respect a deity wholly conceived, birthed, and crucified in their Colonies. Cursed Jew finance guide The Economist has all the disgusting statistics on the sick godless fucks across the Pond-Ocean. Here are a few for you:

1. Over 60% of "people" in the Czech Republic say they only go to church "on special occasions." This is possibly partly the fault of America, for we export our underappreciated black jazz musicians and our overprivileged white college juniors to that terrible land. Black people are inherently Satanic, as are white girls with dreadlocks who just want to play you Radiohead covers on this sweet ukulele they picked up in Cesky Krumlov.

2. Over 50% of "humans" in France say they're Christmas-and-Easter church folks. They don't even go to Mass on the Feast of Saint Jeanne d'Arc, a wondrous day when every parish finds a 20-year-old schizophrenic virgin and sets her on fire.

3. Over 40% of persons in Israel, which for some reason is considered European for the purposes of this study, say they only go to Jewish church on their special dreidel dreidel dreidel Chanumas day or the one where they don't eat all day or the one where they build the house of sticks and leaves outside or whatever the fuck. But we must give the Israelis a pass on this one: firstly, because they do not know the Good Word of Habeas Corpus Christi; secondly, because they live in America's 51st state; and thirdly, because the simple act of living in Israel is a holy and sacred choice, made all the holier and more sacred if you actually drive the tanks that tear down Palestinian grandmothers' houses.

And that is all you need to know about the world beyond our Gulf Shores. Return to your stockpiles of ammo and your "Mission Accomplished" banners and the Norman Rockwell prints that comprise your holy spank bank, America. Jesus saves! [ The Economist ]