Discover more from Wonkette
Did Joe Biden Ban High Testosterone Christians From Army? Tucker Carlson Says F*ck It, Sure!
Also doesn't seem to like this new thing where the troops have to follow orders.
Tucker Carlson made it weird again. And, you know, it's one thing when he's outright lying about vaccines to people who freely choose to watch him and listen to his bullshit. (AKA your Nana. And also this woman's dad, apparently.) It's another when he's railing against vaccine mandates for the US military. (By the way, men who never served, like Tucker, may not be aware of this, but there are a lot of vaccine mandates in the military. Literally the week you get to basic training, it's just like WHOA HEY, here's some needles!)
Of course, once the Pfizer vaccine had full FDA approval, it was added to the mandatory vaccine list for the military. Anyone who thought it wouldn't be is a goddamned idiot. But in Tucker's mangled brain, it's a "new political purity test."
"This was specifically designed to separate the obedient from the free," the Fox host grumbled on Monday night. "Can't have any of the latter category."
Indeed, what is this new Biden military, where everybody is expected to be "obedient"?
Like we said, Tucker didn't serve. Clearly.
Anyway, the whole segment is pretty great. First Tucker did his pointy white hood thing whining about the military trying to root out white supremacists, then he did some white male supremacist grievance about some idiot who was fired from Space Force. Typical Tucker. Then he said the thing about Biden's tyrannical Defense secretary requiring obedience. In the military.
And he continued:
TUCKER: [Defense Secretary Lloyd] Austin said he planned to fire anyone in the entire armed services who would not submit to the COVID-19 vaccination shot. Didn't matter whether they had natural immunity or not, which many of them do.
According to Doctor Tucker, who knows who has permanent natural immunity, which is a thing moron white Republicans believe is a thing with the coronavirus.
TUCKER: Their personal religious or moral objections were totally irrelevant.
Fuck your "religious or moral objections," considering how you're all literally making them up as you go along. You know, unless we're all supposed to believe you're Christian Scientists now, literally all of you, just tens of millions of Christian Scientists with posters of Mary Baker Eddy on your walls.
TUCKER: The point was to bow before his authority and the authority of the Democratic Party, no excuses, no exceptions.
Oh Tucker, get a night light and stop crapping the bed, it's unbecoming.
TUCKER: The fighting strength of the military is young, healthy people, virtually all of them at extremely low risk of dying from COVID. In fact, to this day, only 46 members of the entire U.S. military have died from the coronavirus over the last year and a half.
All were unvaccinated. Strangely the numbers have really been jumping since August. And actually, 473 people involved with the military in some form or fashion have died. Maybe some or all of them would still be alive if Tucker had decided at some point in the last year to shut his fucking mouth.
TUCKER: Suicides, by contrast, kill many, many times more. In just a few months last year, 156 service members killed themselves. So, military suicide is an actual crisis that the Pentagon might want to address.
Does creamy horse paste help with military suicides? Because Tucker also promoted creamy horse paste last night as a COVID treatment, and that's about as scientifically sound as promoting creamy horse paste to fix the military suicide issues Tucker is pretending to care about.
Finally, we come to the best part, how this is an attack on baby Jesus.
TUCKER: The point of mandatory vaccination is to identify the sincere Christians in the ranks ...
Jesus the anti-vaxxer LOL.
TUCKER: the free thinkers ...
He means people who dId tHeIR oWn rEsEaRcH, and now their neighbors say "bless his heart, he did his own research" after they read their obituaries in the paper.
TUCKER: the men with high testosterone levels ...
Holy shit, that veered into Tucker's well-known masculinity issues suddenly and out of nowhere. You literally never know when he's going to jerk the car in that direction, but you should always expect it.
TUCKER: and anyone else who doesn't love Joe Biden and make them leave immediately. It's a takeover of the US military.
By tyrants who want to make the troops follow orders.
Tucker was not done making it weird.
Carlson then claimed he obtained a U.S. Army PowerPoint presentation that was meant to address service member concerns about vaccines, including a slide that sarcastically read: "How many children were sacrificed to Satan because of the vaccine?"
"Then the presentation proceeds to list the so-called tenets of Satanism which are taken from the Temple of Satanism website. So here you have the United States Army doing p.r. for Satanists," Carlson fumed, framing the slide as proof the military was rooting out Christians.
OMG LOL what?
You just have to watch it, it's so stupid. He freaks out about some "military presentation" that is definitely trying to ban Christians from the military with the power of Satan. He bitches that the same presentation says only three people have died because of the COVID-19 vaccine, lying once again to his viewers and saying it has actually killed "thousands." We've been over this before many times, but Tucker does this by lying about the VAERS reporting system. Look how breathtakingly constructed this Tucker Carlson lie is: "Reportscollected bythe Biden administration itselfindicatethat number is in the thousands." We've gone ahead and bolded the two most egregious weasel phrases.
The segment ends with Tucker having a conniption tantrum because all the Navy SEALs are going to get fired now, we guess because they don't like this new policy where they have to get vaccines and follow orders.
Again, Tucker's never served. Obviously.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter .
Wonkette is funded ENTIRELY by a few thousand people like you. If you're not already, would you pls consider being the few thousandth and one?