Wingnuts Will Never Forgive Michelle Obama For Outlawing Bacon Sundaes In Schools

Pictured: tyranny.

Michelle Obama, Queen First Lady of our hearts, has long cared deeply about America's obesity crisis, particularly among kids. How have right-wingers been dicks to her about it over the years? Let us count the ways.

First, some quick backstory.When Barry Bamz O'Muslim Xerxes II Of Kenya stole the American throne in 2008 by the dastardly tactic of getting way, way, WAY more votes than John McCain, his wife, Queen Michelloreth Bathory, started looking for a signature First Lady Cause. She was seeking out something that would put her on the same level as Nancy Reagan for her "Blowjobs For Everyone" "Just Say No" to drugs crusade, or Laura Bush for her "Perpetually Glazed Smiling At Public Functions" initiative. What Michelle ultimately settled on (we can only assume after watching WAY too many Midwesterners deepthroat butter dildos during the 2008 Iowa Caucuses) was a War on Obesity.

Thereafter, she tyrannically commanded the American people to eat their effin' vegetables, heartlessly stole kids' beloved pop tarts, and spread dangerous terror raps about turnips.

That's the GOP narrative, anyway. What actually happened was she very nicely suggested maybe Americans -- and kids in particular -- should be a little healthier about what we eat in order to combat our world-leading obesity rate. She did it so charmingly that even we, who are literally as we write this eating a burrito with enough calories in it to fell an elk , briefly considered changing our disgusting, delicious, grease-laden ways. It didn't take, but that's still more than any so-called "nutritionist" or "heart doctor" or "tearful, pleading fiancee" has ever achieved for us, so props, FLOTUS.

Not so with Republicans, who were incensed Michelle had politely butted her physically perfect shoulders where they didn't belong. And WOW, have there been a lot of the madz going around about this over the past seven years. It seems like every conservative alive is angry Michelle Obama would maybe like to see American kids eat a little healthier, and they just CANNOT shut up about it.

There's the #thanksmichelleobama twitter hashtag, in which bored white kids whine about not having free-flowing Ben & Jerry's fountains in their high school cafeteria any more. It is the most Millennial thing to ever Millennial, and it makes us want to set something on fire.

[contextly_sidebar id="DldtWqUMPmRFcDAt2fT9KHqK3e6eSTXl"]There's America's Worst Psychologist Keith Ablow, who went out of his way to point out that Michelle Obama doesn't get to criticize obese kids because she's such a fatty fat fat fat. This one actually moves us straight through the Mists of Rage and out the other side into the Fields of Abject Confusion, because who the fuck can look at Michelle Obama and think "OOF, WHAT A LADY WALRUS"?

There was Rush Limbaugh, and come on, do we need to finish this sentence? That's way too easy.

There was Rand Paul, saying some dumb shit about donuts. Presumably, someone then reminded him he'll never be as popular with Ayn Rand-fellaters as his father, and he went home to sob-fuck a French Cruller (ribbed for his pleasure!).

There was Chris Christie, who took a break from destroying commuter trains in Tokyo to promise that when he became president (pause for 90 consecutive seconds of laughter), kids could have all the cheesy-fry-flavored milkshakes they wanted.

Most recently, there was Ted Cruz , who said that when he becomes president (pause for 90 consecutive minutes of laughter), kids will no longer have french fries banned from their school lunch menus. Of course, french fries are not currently banned from school lunch menus, but when has Ted Cruz ever given one single solitary shit about facts?

(It's worth noting that this is not the first dumbass thing Ted Cruz has said about food in recent months. Let's not forget his pledge to do away with gluten-free MREs in the military. Ted Cruz 2016: Cheerfully Watching Our Coeliac Soldiers Shit Themselves To Death While Telling Them Not To Be Such Pussies.)

Holy crap, that is A LOT of Conserva-rage over something seemingly so innocuous! Let's see if we can distill it for you:

"HOW DARE YOU, Miss First Lady of the United States?! How DARE you take kids' precious Cheetos away while being black and successful and smart and pretty and perfect and oh crap did we just say all that out loud? That's normally supposed to be subtext! FUCK!"

We imagine if a Republican were to win the White House this November, the first priority, in addition to all the other first priorities, would be Making Obesity Great Again, by requiring schools serve well-done steaks and telling Americans that shoving fast food down their throats while playing video games is far more freedom-y than going for a stroll outside every now and again.

When reached for comment about conservatives' perpetual war on her war on obesity, Michelle Obama always offers the following response:

Yeah, we're right with you there, Michelle.

[ Politico ]