Woke-topus Billy Goat Mockingbird! Tabs, Tues., May 19, 2026
Cold plunge NPR smoked turkey tote bag!
Oh hey, here’s some tabs!
Here is your New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani saying that the words “I worked all day and can’t feed my family” are scarier words than Ronald Reagan’s “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” Yes, we can see why they hate Mamdani so much, and why normal people think he’s pretty great. Also we are glad to see more people shitting on Ronald Reagan’s grave. [Bluesky]
Just kidding, TYRANNY!
Donald Trump is dropping his enormous $10b lawsuit against the IRS in exchange for a corruption fund administered by his criminal Justice Department, in order to pay out benefits to his terrorist and criminal associates. You know, like the J6 terrorists he pardoned! You know, unless he just keeps it. He might keep it.
Speaking of, at least 78 of his pardoned J6 criminals and creeps have been rearrested for other things. Surprise! Because they’re human trash! [Byline Times]
And more on that anti-weaponization fund right here. [The Long Memo]
JD Vance says “If you want to make America great, if you want to protect your jobs and hopefully build jobs in this beautiful factory, if you want to make our streets even safer, if you want to rebuild the American dream for the next generation, vote against the crazy leadership in Washington, D.C.” Aye aye, couchfucker! [Mediaite]
John Fetterman says the Democratic base is becoming “increasingly anti-American,” which is funny because we think he’s welcome to suck our fucking asshole, or just resign. [The Hill]
Speaking of, you’ll want to see the last line of this story from The Onion.
Hahahahahahahahaha.
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Louisiana GOP Senator John Kennedy, pretending to be a toothless cousin-fucker instead of somebody who went to Oxford, because that’s what it takes to appeal to the toothless cousin-fuckers who vote for him, commenting on Kamala Harris: “She's a woke-topus. She's pandering to the loon wing of her party. Nobody has ever accused the vice president of being a policy maven. Sometimes she acts like she has a billy goat brain and a mockingbird mouth, and that's a dangerous combination." OK. [AOL]
Oh hang on, he wasn’t done: “She had her chance, she had her shot, and she missed it. I don't think she'll be the Democratic nominee. I would love for her to be the Democratic nominee, and if it looks like she'll get any momentum, I will happily contribute to her campaign because she would be our dream candidate, but I think she's a smoked turkey, frankly." OK. [AOL]
Oh hang on, he wasn’t done: “I mean, the columnists at the Washington Post, for example, pay attention to what she says, but you know, those guys, they like kale and cold plunges, and carry NPR tote bags. I mean, they're members of the loon wing, and they like what the vice president says, but I don't think anybody else is that impressed." OK. [AOL]
Guess we have no other choice than to elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez president, since she isn’t a woke-topus billy boat mockingbird smoked turkey doing a cold plunge into a tote bag full of kale. Here’s AOC talking to some rural Georgia voters who are having their water poisoned by a data center, looks like. They really liked her, the rural Georgia voters!
Here is some poll porn about how fully loathed hated Republicans and Donald Trump are, by everyone. [The Message Box]
Finally, our pals at Abortion Access Front have a plan to get real information in front of the RFK Jr./Handmaids Tale FDA about the safety and lifesaving experiences people have had with mifepristone, the abortion drug all the Christian fascists have a hard-on to ban right now. Have you used it and are willing to share your story, obviously in a way that will protect your identity? Then visit MifeStories.com and read about their project and you can fill out their form to submit! Share it with your Woke-topus groups! [MifeStories / form]
OK, see ya with more stories when we feel like it!
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𝗕𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗲 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝗞𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗱𝘂𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗴𝗲 𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝟴𝟮 𝗮𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗻𝗶𝘀: ‘𝗬𝗲𝗮𝗵 𝗯𝗮𝗯𝘆, 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝟲𝟭 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀!’
King distinguished herself as a tennis champ at Cal State Los Angeles, winning Wimbledon doubles while enrolled.
When Billie Jean King left college in 1964, she had a purpose. Within a few years, she had become the top-ranked tennis professional in the world. Over a trailblazing career, she won 39 championships, a Presidential Medal of Freedom and a congressional Medal of Honor – all while pushing publicly for gender and pay equality.
Last year, she finally returned to finish the degree in history she started more than six decades ago. On Monday, she graduated, at 82 years old.
“It is a privilege for me to be here as a member of your graduating class,” King said at her commencement. “Yeah baby, only 61 years!”
King recalled growing up in a working-class family, the daughter of a firefighter father and homemaker mother.
“Like so many of my fellow graduates, I am the first member of my immediate family to graduate college, like many of you,” King said...
King, one of the first openly gay professional athletes, founded the Women’s Tennis Association in 1973 and successfully campaigned to get the US Open to pay equal purses at the US Open. That same year, she defeated Bobby Riggs in a historic match billed “The Battle of the Sexes” – a feat later dramatized in a Hollywood film staring Emma Stone and Steve Carell.
King ended her speech with words of advice for her fellow graduates.
“Have fun,” King said. “Be fearless. And make history.”
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/may/18/billie-jean-king-college-graduation