Wonkagenda: Monday, October 17, 2016

Well good Monday morning to you, Wonkers! Here's some of the stories we might be talking about later today!

• It looks like Donald Trump really is trying to start his own teevee network so other people can peddle his verbal diarhea 24/7. Turns out Trump's son-in-law has been in talks with an investment bank with a history in media dealmaking.

•  GOP officials are telling Trump to stop throwing tantrums and whining that the election is rigged . This is clearly proof there is a conspiracy at the highest levels to stop a racially-charged carnival barker who molests women (allegedly) and cheats on his taxes, abusing federal authority for personal gain.

•  Carpetbagging tech jerk Peter Thiel will donate $1.25 million to Donald Trump, probably in the hopes that he becomes a Supreme Court Justice, or just gets to sue more people that give Peter Thiel bad press, like Yr Wonkette intern.

• A North Carolina GOP campaign office was firebombed, prompting GOP officials to cry foul and express concern for the integrity of the election because it provokes fear and intimidation, just like when an abortion clinic is bombed. The good news? Democrats have already raised enough money to get the office up and running again, because violence is bad.

• In the ashes of the 2016 presidential race, Republicans are pushing Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton to consider a 2020 presidential run as if he were their last great, white hope.

•  Donald Trump is hemorrhaging campaign cash, according to the latest FEC reports, spending a third of its intake on consultants, catering and event spaces, mailers, TrumpCon, legal and building expense. Just like he runs his businesses!

• The chairman of the Center to Protect Journalists has released a statement denouncing Donald Trump as a threat to journalists because Hillary Clinton's cabal of liberal media types told them to. That, and his constant attacks on journalists.

• A U.S. backed mission to take back the Iraqi city of Mosul from ISIS (or I.S., ISIL, Daesh, whatever) has gotten underway, with a ragtag group of Kurdish pesh merga fighters. The pesh merga are like the "Wolverines" in that Patrick Swayze movie, except with close air support and U.S. special forces advisors. Expect to see tired reporters in flak vests on teevee talking about things that Donald Trump pretends to know about.

•  China has astronauts, and they just left Earth to dock on their Chinese space station. It's cool, no one wanted to invite China over to the INTERNATIONAL Space Station to hang out and drink recycled pee anyway.

• GOOD NEWS EVERYONE! On Saturday more than 170 nations came to a legally binding agreement in Rwanda to stop the use of hydrofluorocarbons (HFCs) commonly used in air-conditioners and refrigerators. Think of it as an addendum to the Paris climate accords, and further proof that humanity isn't entirely broken!

• Here's what happened to the Arizona Republic after they endorsed Hillary Clinton, and why independent news organizations matter. No jokes here, just good, important Free Speech words (that will kick you in the feels).

• Mario Batali will rock those hideous orange Crocs to the White House when he prepares the spread for our B. Barry Bamz's final state dinner, for Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi. Grazi, Obama!

• On Thursday, Trump and Clinton will participate in New York's annual Al Smith charity dinner, a roast that happens during presidential election and features the candidates of the only two parties that anybody really cares about. Of course, the last time someone riffed on Trump to his face his feefees got really hurt!

• We're not going to talk about Jill Stein and Gary Johnson because they're awful and dangerous people, so here's John Oliver reminding you why both of them are complete idiots who aren't really worthy of our time.

• And here's your morning Nice Time: It's SNL's take on the second presidential debate! It's SUPER SPOOKY and it made Donald Trump so butthurt he tweeted about it!