Wonkagenda: Monday, October 3, 2016

Morning Wonkaroos! We hope you're well-rested, because we got shit to talk about! Here's some of the stories yr Wonkette may be pixelating sometime today!

•  Donald Trump gave another rambling and incoherent speech on Saturday where he just insulted people for about an hour by sputtering sentence fragments.

• Some man-haters are telling reporter people that Donald Trump wanted his Apprentices to be bangable ladies with HUGE boobs. 

• Hillary Clinton SAYS she doesn't like greedy bankers, and she's going to prove it too, with LAWS!

• Colombians (the country, not the coffee) seem to prefer never-ending war to the idea of peace because SOME people are just grumpy, stubborn assholes.

• Some rich, white lady from the rich, white part of Maryland wants all the rich, white people in gerrymandered-as-fuck 6th Congressional district to vote for her, so she's trekking way out to the Bumblefuck areas.

•  Missouri statehouse candidates are ALLEGEDLY getting a little rapey this election season. Sigh.

• Trump's creepy hatchet man with a Richard Nixon tattoo, Roger Stone, is warning about more anti-Clinton Wikileaks bullshit to come out later this week.

•  There's a reason why your bookFace feed is clogged up with tons of annoying and uninteresting political crap that isn't funny, it's called "micro-targeting," which is just a fancy way to say, "fucking commercials."

• Did you know that Donald Trump once mixed a pyramid scheme with a weight loss scam that asked that you mail them your piss?

• Cleveland's bouncing sportsball king person endorsed Hillary Clinton because she'll save all the poor children in Cleveland with her magic powers of "not being a dick."

•  Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has been suspended WITHOUT pay for the remainder of his term for being a gay-hatin' jerk!

•  Somebody spray painted words on Donald Trump's new hotel in D.C. because that's probably the only way to send Donald Trump a message outside of Twitter.

•  Where in the world is our President B. Barry Bamz? That 'ol globe trottin' so and so!

•  Even the goddamn Pope wants you to vote next month on Tuesday, November 8! 

• In Case You Missed It: Here's SNL's cold open with Alec Baldwin as 'gina-spewing Donald Trump! 

• And here's your morning Nice Time! It's disgustingly cute baby ducks!