Wonkette Presents THE SPLIT: Chapter Thirty-Two

In which our heroine triggers the Rapture … or something.

Lorinda flipped the little red hatch open and pushed the red button. Nothing. She pushed harder. A tiny red light on the alarm glowed red and something exploded very close to the ride. Everyone lurched forward as the train stopped abruptly, with the first car just under a sign for THE RAPTURE. There were more explosions, many more, near and far, seemingly from all over the enclave. They made a lot of noise but didn’t seem to do any actual damage. Then came the sirens. A recorded voice — the voice of the ride’s narrator—boomed and echoed: “And He will send His angels and gather His elect from the four winds, from the ends of the earth to the ends of the heavens. Mark 13:27.” Fireworks shot into the air from each of the many alarm towers. They were loud but, except for their black puffs of pyrotechnic smoke, nearly invisible in the bright daylight.

The woman in front of them released her security bar, stood up, and screamed to no one in particular: “This is it! Praise Him!” She yanked off her blond bubble of a wig and tossed it overboard, where it drifted down like some bizarre deep-sea creature. This exposed a sweaty mop of short brown hair on the woman’s head. She then frantically started tearing off her clothes. The buttons popped off her loose pink blouse, revealing the white bra underneath.

“Maybe this is just a new part of the ride?” her husband said hopefully.

“It’s real, you idiot!” she screamed. “Take off your clothes!” He stood and reluctantly began unbuttoning his shirt. She ferociously grabbed his collar, yanked it hard enough to pop all his buttons, then started clawing at his belt.

Lorinda and Stimpy also stood and surveyed the chaos around and below them. Many people were yelling “Take off your clothes!” as they shed shirts, blouses, skirts, slacks, and shorts. A few cars behind them, a squat, plump guy in his thirties, already naked, was dangling from the sill of the low wall that looked out onto the grounds. Lorinda thought: Why is he trying to get out? Doesn’t he think God can find him right here?

Unable to hang on, he fell, crashing through the roof of the “Famine, Pestilences, Earthquakes” exhibit. Those on the ground, who themselves were yelling and panicking, dodged badly aimed fireworks, not to mention discarded items raining down from the Rapture Ride — clothes, shoes, com devices, Rapture pagers, guns. Some got distracted from removing their clothes by the sight of discarded valuables — wallets, jewelry, watches — that they ran to retrieve, then drop again as they remembered that they were about to be sucked up to a place where those trinkets would be worthless.

Stimpy gently took hold of Lorinda’s shoulder and pointed. “We’re going there,” he said, indicating the front car.

“Where?” She spotted the narrow ladder next to where the front car was parked. Curved hand-holds rose up from it like the ladders in swimming pools. “That?”

“That’s how we get down.”

Since Janelle and her crew were busy dodging flying detritus along with everyone else on the ground, Lorinda figured she and Stimpy could get down without being seen — if they could reach the ladder. But the train cars were hemmed in on either side by the low walls, with no catwalk beside it. Before she could ask how they were going to get to the ladder, Stimpy said: “I wanted to stop the ride here, before it started going downhill. We’ll climb over these people. They’re a little preoccupied.”

So saying, he picked up the guns, handed one to Lorinda and strapped on the other, stood on the seat, put a foot on the front of their car, and took a big step onto the seat of the car in front — where the naked couple was too busy looking to the sky, waving their arms, and shrieking, “Here, God! We’re here! God! We’re here!” They took no notice of Stimpy standing on the seat between them.

He reached back, grabbed Lorinda’s hand, and helped her make the move. They did this four more times — passing riders who were ripping their clothes off or digging in their backpacks for their light-up garments and jewelry — until Stimpy reached the front car, where a nude man and woman were madly bedecking themselves with flashing necklaces, bracelets, and headbands. He kicked their clothes and a six-shooter in a fancy leather holster off the seat and gave Lorinda a hand into the car. She accidentally clunked the woman’s head with the butt of her gun, but the woman didn’t notice.

“Let’s hope it goes all the way to the bottom,” Stimpy said. He squeezed past the oblivious man and moved within the hand-holds. Gripping them, he threw a leg over the wall, felt for a rung, found one, and started down. Lorinda followed.

“Stay still!” Janelle Stark yelled at her crew. But it was an impossible order to follow: Those who weren’t standing next to her couldn’t hear over the din, and the chaos surrounding them — the madly screaming people, the objects falling from the ride (including two madly screaming falling people) — was beyond distracting.

Near her, a Domestic Security goon nervously swiveled his head to take in the full scope of the action. “It’s the Rapture,” he said out loud, more to himself than anyone else. Then, louder: “The Rapture! The Rapture! The Rapture!” He started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Stop that!” Stark growled.

Stimpy and Lorinda reached ground level. “Shit,” Stimpy said, “I forgot my cane.”

“You’ll survive,” Lorinda said. “Can you see her?”

The foot of the ladder had deposited them within the framework of the ride’s structure. They ducked behind a vertical I-beam and cautiously peered out across the grounds. Stimpy quickly homed in on the Domestic Security contingent: They were the only ones who weren’t screaming and waving their arms around, or naked, or wearing flashing lights. His eyes quickly found the bandaged-headed woman in the center of the cluster. She appeared to be yelling at one of them, who was shirtless and gazing up at the sky while he unbuckled his belt. Suddenly there was a pistol in her hand. The shirtless man dropped his pants, which pooled around his feet. He stood there, now clad only in red and white striped boxer shorts, continuing to gaze at the sky and wave his hands in the air. Janelle Stark pressed the gun to his temple and shouted at him. He didn’t respond.

The sound of the gunshot — a sharp crack — was loud enough to be heard over the pandemonium. The Confeds closest to the action jumped back in shock as their colleague, head spurting blood, collapsed to the ground. Well, that’s one way to get to Heaven, Stimpy thought. It gave him a clear view of the huge thug in the civilian suit. He was laughing.

“She’s dangerous,” Stimpy said. “Insane and dangerous. Let’s go. And walk old.”

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PREVIOUSLY in THE SPLIT!

Chapter One. In which we meet our heroine and her dainty little gun.

Chapter Two. In which Lorinda demonstrates her bartending virtuosity.

Chapter Three. In which our heroine receives a promotion and prepares to celebrate.

Chapter Four. In which our heroine proves herself an immoral citizen of the CCSA.

Chapter Five. In which our heroine goes to church.

Chapter Six. In which Lorinda contemplates her future, ignores Pastor Doug, and gets something unexpected from Emmie.

Chapter Seven. In which Lorinda learns something that threatens her big dream.

Chapter Eight. In which our heroine freaks out.

Chapter Nine. In which our heroine says the forbidden word as an unwelcome visitor arrives.

Chapter Ten. In which two unpleasant men perturb our heroine.

Chapter Eleven. In which our heroine seems to have found a solution to her problem.

Chapter Twelve. In which that black truck follows our heroine all the way to Austin.

Chapter Thirteen. In which Lorinda lashes out.

Chapter Fourteen. In which our heroine gets a taste of life in the big city.

Chapter Fifteen. In which our heroine meets a fellow bartender and has a drink.

Chapter Sixteen. In which Lorinda once again takes a swing with her little pink gun.

Chapter Seventeen. In which our heroine prepares to escape.

Chapter Eighteen. In which our heroine gets in a truck with a couple of slightly scary strangers.

Chapter Nineteen. In which our heroine learns that she’s got a long way to go.

Chapter Twenty. In which our heroine spends a night in a gas station.

Chapter Twenty-One. In which our heroine learns about the enclaves of the CCSA.

Chapter Twenty-Two. In which our heroine learns way too much about the enclaves of the CCSA.

Chapter Twenty-Three. In which our heroine experiences liberty run amok.

Chapter Twenty-Four. In which our heroine’s escape is disastrously derailed.

Chapter Twenty-Five. In which our heroine finds herself back at the gas station.

Chapter Twenty-Six. In which Stimpy, on the road to Revelation, reveals Ren’s real name.

Chapter Twenty-Seven. In which our heroine manages not to crash the car as she learns more about CCSA enclaves.

Chapter Twenty-Eight. In which Lorinda and Stimpy enter Revelation.

Chapter Twenty-Nine. In which our heroine has pizza for the first time and readies herself to be an old fogie.

Chapter Thirty. In which our heroine finally gets to experience the Rapture Ride.

Chapter Thirty-One. In which our heroine’s long-awaited Rapture Ride experience is interrupted by some unwelcome visitors.

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