Wonkette's Top Ten Stories Of The Week Are A Little Scandalous

Time to get shallow.

Happy Weekend!

So some of you may have noticed that my Bravo jones has been slipping into the main a little more lately, and this is partly because of Scandoval— the scandal involving "Vanderpump Rules'" Tom "Worm With A Mustache" Sandoval cheating on Ariana, his girlfriend of 9 years, with the "Bambi-eyed bitch" known as Raquel ... whose real name is Rachel — and the fact that we are currently in the midst of the VPR reunions. It's been an incredible phenomenon, actually. I made five new best friends outside of a bar last week just because someone overheard me talking about how Sandoval was being a douchenozzle to a Glamour journalist whomade fun of his white nail polish . I have to tell you — it's honestly kind of nice to be het up about something that is of absolutely zero consequence.

But ... fun fact! There is actually a little bit of crossover with my work here — because once upon a time, Sandoval actually did a terrible music video with Isaac Kappy, a weird little dude with some pretty serious psychological issues who was the source of much of the QAnon nonsense, particularly as it pertained to Tom Hanks. Kappy committed suicide in 2019, but the QAnon faithful, including Lin Wood maintain that he was "murdered by various intelligence agencies before he could get to Trump in order to tell him about this secret super evil blackmail scheme that would later be to blame for the Supreme Court refusing to let him be president for life."

Anyway — it's my birthday on Monday, so my present to you is the terrible, terrible video Sandoval and Kappy did with their band Charles McMansion, a rather ironic name given that Rachel infamously did not know who Charles Manson was .

Charles McMansion - "Touch in Public"    www.youtube.com 

At least it's better than his trumpet playing?

Tom Sandoval Goes Insane While Playing Trumpet    www.youtube.com 

You don't even have to watch the show to understand why he is the worst.

(FYI, people who comment "WHO??" about people they don't think "deserve" to be famous are legally 70,000 times more obnoxious and less original than those people will ever be. I don't make the rules .)

And here are your top ten stories of the week!

10. Trump, DeSantis Commemorate Memorial Day With Fascist Vow To Exterminate Their Enemies 

9. Knives Out In Trumpland As Lawyers Find Representing Serial Con Man Has Its Perils 

8. World Famous Actor 'Dawson Creek' Very Angry At DNC For Some Reason! 

7. No Need To Boycott Chick-Fil-A Unless They Start Selling 'Tuck Swimsuits,' Says Deranged Weirdo 

6. Black Ariel Makes Box Office Splash In Disney’s Live-Action 'Little Mermaid’ 

5. WonkTV: Tina Turner Memorial Day Special! 

4. What's This About Chick-Fil-A Boycotts And Jizz In The Frosted Lemonade Now? 

3. Oklahoma GOP Sen. Markwayne Mullin Is A Very Stupid Man 

2. Memorial Day 2023: The Secret Ingredient Is Sun-Dried Tomatoes 

1. Biden Vowed To Fight Anti-Semitism And Lauren Boebert Is Taking It Real Personal 

Did reading these stories give you a sudden urge to shower us with money and jewels? If so, you can join our Patreon, or buy our merch, or do your Amazon shopping through our link.

You can even send us paper checks to

Wonkette

PO Box 38273

Detroit MI 48238

OR use this handy widget below! Just click the amount you want to donate, click one-time or monthly, and then be sure to click "Paypal" if you are Paypal or "Stripe" if you don't have Paypal, or your money will not go through!