Wonkette's Top 10 Is Bottomlessly Assh*lish!

NO IT ISN'T YOU SHUT UP.

Good morning, bienvenue, wallcome to your Saturday morning Wonkette's Top 10! We are up early and hurrying through Top 10 because TODAY we are driving the 50 miles to TOWN to go to a GARAGE SALE! Is it not the most exciting thing you have heard yet this morning? It is for the girls! I am in the market for colored glass jars. Did you know I used to be a nightlife columnist, with bars and concerts and rock stars and clubs and restaurants and my tits on a plate? (That is what we called my pushup bra. It was magenta.) Anyway, colored glass jars, maybe another set of canisters for flour and ... barley? Sure, barley. Fucking middle age, dude. Ha ... ha?

10. The Right's Latest Assault On Pizza: Trump 'Accidentally' Sanctioned Random Italian Restaurant . Robyn has given this a lot of thought over a lot of years. And they're doing it again.

9. America-Hating Republicans Cancel Baseball For Loving Voting Rights Too Much . You know, how they do.

8. Eric Trump's Wedding Planner Earns Four-Year Ban From 'Government' 'Service,' Like She Cares About Either . Yeah, you remember her. Barely.

7. Jordan Peterson: If The Red Skull Fits! Michael came to do a special non-Monday shows nerd post, and you liked it!

6. It's Easter! Now, Stay Home Until Everyone's Vaccinated. YES SIR SER you said.

5. Sounds Like Matt Gaetz's Buddy Joel Greenberg 'Bout To FLIIIIIIIIIIIIP! That guy, my fucking god.

4. Matt Gaetz Is Not A Criminal Sex Monk, OK? That guy, my fucking god.

3. Jen Psaki's Got Your 'Tone' Right Here, Buddy . Jen Psaki is Be Best.

2. Amazon Admits Pee Bottles Are A Thing, Not Denying Union-Busting Either . And yet they still won their union election yesterday. FOR NOW.

1. John Boehner Reflects On Congress, Tradition, Bottomless Assholery Of Ted Cruz . Did you listen to the audio? That man DRONK.

And there you have it, this week's top 10! Now after you give us money with this widget

or join our Patreon or buy mugs from the Wonkette Bazaar (haha Jimmy got a job at Safeway and it does NOT pay $25 an hour and I have RUINT him for all other work!) or do a venmo at I don't know my venmo handle, try searching Rebecca Schoenkopf? or did you know you could even give us money via Facebook? Well after you have done ONE EACH OF THOSE THINGS, you may have two more pictures because that's what I have this week:

Future nightlife columnist, obviously. 

GOODBYE!