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Hello and welcome to your Patriotic America Jazz Hands Sparklemotion Spangled Splodey Fourth of July Independence Day Wonkette Top 10, as chosen by a group of nice aliens who probably won't laser us to bits at all!

10. Michele Bachmann Knows How To Fix COVID, Because Yeah She Does . It had to do with Jared doing Joo wrong. CHUTZPAH!

9. Cops Killed Elijah McClain, Busted Up Vigil In His Honor, Took Photos Mocking His Death . The ones who took the photos have been fired. The ones who busted up his vigil, not so much.

8. All Fun And Games Until The My Pillow Guy Says The Antichrist Is Coming . I don't think this one had to do with Jared doing Joo wrong, but it probably did.

7. New York Times Went On A Cletus Safari, But Cletus Was Not There . Even the Cletuses ain't like Trump no more. It is teddibly sad. Teddibly.

6. 'Reopen Maryland' Man Finds Karma's A Bitch. And So Is Corona. Gonna be more and more of those, huh?

5. Far-Right Militia Somehow Seduced Into Super Racist Sing-A-Long By Sacha Baron Cohen . "Somehow."

4. Trump Worried About Being Remembered As Loser, Haha Too Late . Gonna be more and more of those , huh?

3. Shorter Senate GOP: RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP! Well of course they killed a provision saying campaigns had to report to the FBI if any foreign governments tried to touch their willies and nunus. What else would they do, not that?

2. What The Hell Do These Anti-Mask People Think Our Endgame Is Here? Time for some game theory!

1. Anti-Mask Lady Harassed Starbucks Employee, Now Wants A Piece Of His GoFundMe Action . People are fucking crazy.

And there you have your top 10 stories as chosen this week by a group of nice aliens who probably won't laser us to bits at all! Wonkette is supported ENTIRELY by YOU, so please join the horde if you are able! Checks can be sent to

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