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Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten Wishes You A Merry Little New Year!
(If the fates allow.)
Anybody else out there having a fuck of a time? All of you???? Well, then it's a good thing we have EACH OTHER. What good's a cult if it doesn't come with unconditional love and there-theres from your doubtless seminude cult brothers and sisters to bolster you up when everything around you is so 2018?
Yay cult! We literally could not keep going without you!
Here without further nonsense are our top 10 stories of the past week as chosen not by science, or Beyonce, or me, but by YOU, with your clicky fingers clickin' the stories and readin' the stories and commenting on the stories once you get past the hardcore porn left by the bad commenter who we guess thinks of himself as a supervillain or something and lives to punish all of us and make us sad. I am sorry your life is however it is, bad commenter, that makes you this way. I wish you had someone to call, or a cult you could join, where the people are nice to you and you're not a human box of rat poison. I am sad for you, bad commenter. I'm sad for everything, really. But I do know your way isn't the way I want to get back to THE FIGHT.
10. Trump Loses War On Santa . This one freaked me out. He's so fucking stupid and antisocial and weird he told a seven-year-old girl calling NORAD there was no Santa. Luckily she was like "durr?"
9. Meatball Gets Caught Telling Another Whopper . It was a slow news week, sure, but we knew Five Dollar Feminist would die with happiness when she saw the acting AG lying about the STUPIDEST thing.
8. Meghan McCain Would Like Katrina Pierson To Be Less Stupid Please. Well who wouldn't?
7. Show Me On The Doll Where Meatball Hurt You: Letters To Matt Whitaker's Former Scammy Fraudy Patent Company. I only just read this Miami New Times report on the company itself -- like HOLY WOW WHAT A BAD COMPANY!!!1! The letters are good, also, too.
6. Immortal Goddess Ruth Bader Ginsburg Ruins Trump's Day From Her Hospital Bed. Can't keep a good woman down!
5. Trump & Melanie Are Home Alone Together For Christmas. The fate they both deserve.
4. Twitter Gun Lady Shoots Up Innocent Wooden Board For Wishing Her Happy Holidays. This one was hilarious! LOL Twitter gun lady!
3. James Mattis Hurt Our Delicate President's Feelings, Gets Pushed Out Two Months Early. Whatever, I'm over this dick.
2. Breitbart Will Be Ready With The Dunking Chairs When The Witches Take Over America. Breitbart's got a thing about witches, sure, but are they SEXY WITCHES????
Thank you for being our friend. Robyn will be here with you over the weekend, as usual, and we'll see you on Monday for our endofyearstravaganza. And then we'll get back on this horse, by which I probably mean drugs.
King of You