Yes, Donald Trump, But Did Jeffrey Epstein Prefer Coca-Cola With Real Cane Sugar?

SPOILER, the Coca-Cola Company doesn't answer to Donald Trump.

In yet another seeming effort to change the subject from his close friendship with the late child sex abuser Jeffrey Epstein, Donald Trump yesterday announced what sounded like a really big trade deal if it was real, which of course it wasn’t. On his fake Twitter substitute (archive link), Truth Social — which many people consider as far from The Real Thing as Tab was from Coca-Cola (making “X” more like “New Coke,” but full of Nazis) — Trump offered these gladsome tidings:

The post was greeted with a mix of bot-posted memes condemning undocumented immigrants, Joe Biden, the COVID vaccine, and chemtrails, plus some replies that were actually about Coca-Cola, including several accusing the company of hating white people, which was a whole disinformation thing from 2021 we’d never heard of before that wingnuts 1) made up, and 2) are still hopping mad about.

Trump did not, however, say that he’d like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company, because the last time he said that, a red-eyed Don Jr. misunderstood and kept whining about how it was unfair not to cut him into the deal. Allegedly.

Big surprise: Coca-Cola hasn’t confirmed any change in its recipe. But the company, which is very aware of Trump’s fondness for Diet Coke, has also been careful not to explicitly deny it either. Wouldn’t want to upset Great Leader by calling him a lying liar, which he clearly is, because that could hurt the bottom line.

NBC News asked for a response from Coca-Cola, and got back this careful non-statement from an unnamed spokesperson: “We appreciate President Trump's enthusiasm for our iconic Coca-Cola brand. More details on new innovative offerings within our Coca-Cola product range will be shared soon.”

The company was initially very tight-lipped — probably holding in a belch — about whether it’ll keep sweetening its product with corn syrup, although obviously it will, yeesh. Newsweek reports that in reply to a comment on Trump’s post, the company waved its hands dramatically and insisted, “All Coca-Cola brand products are wholesome beverages manufactured in compliance with the federal law,” which we didn’t see, but seems like authentic corporate bafflegab.

But by Thursday, the company apparently decided playing coy wasn’t going to get it anywhere, and was explaining that corn syrup is what plants crave after all. In a follow-up statement seemingly delivered by a crewcut guy in a lab coat and horn-rimmed glasses, Coca-Cola said,

“The name sounds complex, but high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) — which we use to sweeten some of our beverages — is actually just a sweetener made from corn. It’s safe; it has about the same number of calories per serving as table sugar and is metabolized in a similar way by your body.”

It added that the American Medical Association “has confirmed that HFCS is no more likely to contribute to obesity than table sugar or other full-calorie sweeteners”, and said: “Please be assured that Coca-Cola brand soft drinks do not contain any harmful substances.”

Clearly appreciating the irony, the Guardian points out that back in the 1980s, Coke’s US division “changed its formulation to use high-fructose corn syrup, supported by US farming subsidies, and not imported sugar cane subjected to import tariffs.” If the company switched back to sugar as Trump suggested, the company could once more be harmed by Trump’s high tariffs on imported sugar.

Meanwhile, the New York Times ran a whole damn story today about how several Mexican-American restaurateurs who import Mexican Coke, made with sugar all along, don’t plan to switch to the American product even if the change happens, because authenticity. The story makes no mention of the company’s valiant defense of high fructose corn sugar, instead settling for saying that Coca-Cola “did not immediately confirm” any change in its recipe.

Elsewhere around corporate America, other companies are undoubtedly debating how they’ll respond if Trump arbitrarily decides to make up shit about them in another attempt to get people to talk about something other than Jeffrey Epstein. Which is fine, because we can also cram Epstein into headlines about whether KFC is really going to add a twelfth secret herb or spice.

OPEN THREAD.

[NBC News / Newsweek / Guardian / NYT]

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