You Know It's Bad When the Army Actually Calls It Murder

Everyone knows that the '60s are hipper than ever! But allegedly, some overachieving members of the 5th Stryker Combat Brigade, of the 2nd Infantry Division, weren't content to have aMad Men-themed costume party. No, it got real My Lai-licious over in the Afghanistan, at least according to evidence and testimony presented at a military tribunal in Washington this week. This makes sense, because while it's hard to find a Don Draper costume in Afghanistan, pulling off a Method impression of Lt. William Calley is easy as, well, murdering random unarmed poor people!

Members of an American Army unit consumed with drug use [ ?! -- Ed. ] randomly chose Afghan civilians to kill and then failed to report the abuses out of fear they would suffer retaliation from their commander, according to testimony in military court here on Monday.

The testimony, in a hearing to determine whether one of those soldiers, Specialist Jeremy N. Morlock, would face a court-martial and a possible death sentence, came the same day that a videotape in the case was leaked showing Specialist Morlock talking to investigators about the killings in gruesome detail with no apparent emotion.

All fans of science fiction know that Morlocks are morally ambiguous creatures, so it is no surprise that this particular Morlock poses a similar quandary. Morlock's lawyers have come up with a perfectly fine explanation for why their apparently alert, cooperative and fully-conscious client was totally actually not fit to be interviewed on video. They say he was "taking medication prescribed by military doctors for sleep deprivation, pain and muscle stress." Must've been those famous "Inventing a Plausible and Convincing Tale of Committing War Crimes at the Behest of a Supervisor" Pills, a.k.a. St. Joseph's Baby Aspirin. Those are the worst. Plus, he's a native of Wasilla, Alaska, and we know what those people are like.

Morlock and at least one another soldier, Adam Winfield, allege that they carried out orders at the behest of their supervisor, Staff Sgt. Calvin Gibbs. Winfield asked his family to notify Army officials about Gibbs in February.

Chris Winfield said he left at least four messages. "I said my son is in Afghanistan .... He's in the front lines. There's a rogue sergeant out there apparently killing innocent victims. And my son found out about this. And they're threatening him because he might say something. And I said you gotta get him out of there. You need to call me back, please."

If you actually think the Army did something besides ignore Chris Winfield's plea, and that more killings didn't allegedly take place after he sounded the alarm, and that his son and four others aren't now charged with premeditated murder, then you're clearly not familiar with the best practices of the U.S. Army, the best fucking military in the whole goddamned world. But hey, there's a few bad apples in every bunch, right? USA! USA! [ New York Times ]

[Hey BENINCASA didn't you hear we killed the Top #2 or #3 Guy of Al Qaeda again today, with a fucking ROBOT BIRD? Accentuate the positive ... or a robot bird will kill you, for Obama. -- Ed.]