Your Election Eve Update On 'Polls'!

An actual 10,574,901 national and state polls have been conducted today, did you know that? No you didn't, because you people cannot count that high. So here's what you "need to know," according to our fancy data robots at Wonkette.

Every state John Kerry won in 2004 is safe for Obama, by double digits. The only... hmm what's a good "Nate Silver Word" here... "outlier" is Pennsylvania, which has tightened to about a 7-8 percentage point lead for Obama ever since John McCain decided to run his entire campaign there. Unfortunately for Walnuts, however, is the fact that he is still losing in this state by 7-8 points.

If you assume Pennsylvania holds for Obama along with the other Kerry states, that gives him 252 electoral votes with which to start. Add Iowa (7 electoral votes, +13 polling advantage) and New Mexico (5 electoral votes, +9 advantage) and he has a fairly safe 264 electoral votes. Colorado (9 electoral votes, +7 advantage) or Virginia (13 electoral votes, +6 advantage) ERGO would make Obama the new preznint, the end. Or he could win Nevada (5 electoral votes, +7 advantage) instead of CO or VA leading to a 269-269 tie in the electoral college, and then the awful liberals in the House of Representatives would simply make Obama president, ha ha.

Otherwise, Obama appears to have a +2-5 advantage in Ohio and a +2-3 advantage in Florida. Missouri and North Carolina are insanely tied. McCain has a slight advantage in Indiana and Georgia. None of this matters except to you meanies who want to run up the score on poor Walnuts.

John McCain can only win (*cross our fingers!*) if all of the millions of polls are terribly wrong, as they were in New Hampshire earlier this year. That was so weird, remember? Memories. Anyway, still keep a baseball bat or some weapon on hand for the race riots, just in case.

[ Pollster ]