Your Weekly Top Ten Sure Is Sick Of All These Slow News Weeks ZZZZZZZZZZ
A vest! Donna Rose!
Hi Wonkers, our headline is a joke. This week beat the shit out of us. You won't be mad if we just half-ass this post, will you? (Nope, because you love us.) So it is time for the top ten post, where we count down the top ten stories!
We'll so that in a sec, but first MONEY PARAGRAPH. You see, we have no ads, therefore all our operating expenses and all our salaries are paid by YOU! Yes, you right there, and you really are looking nice today. Wonkette is taking on new writers and trying to give raises to the ones who work eleventy-three hours a week already to tell you amazing stories, and we want to be able to do this MORE AND MORE! So please please please sign up to do monthly donations, so we can grow and grow! Will you do that? They can be small monthly donations, medium monthly donations, or YOOGE monthly donations. It takes all kinds! We even take thousand dollar and million dollar donations, OR MONTHLY MILLION THOUSAND DOLLAR SUBSCRIPTIONS, like if you are a secret famous celebrity fan of Wonkette! Seriously, if you are able -- DO NOT MONEY US IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT -- then pull out your wallet and sign up to throw money on our face every month! You can also pull out an envelope and stamp and send money to Wonkette, PO Box 361, Polson MT 59860 (new P.O box address! Update your address book!). Whatever, just please support us any way you can.
For instance, you could BUY ALL THE HATS! One says "IMPEACH!" (See below.) The others say "HELL. NO." AND "LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE 2020." Click here for more info!
Did you know you can click through this picture to BUY THIS HAT???
There are many other products in Ye Olde Wonkette Generale Store! You should buy them!
Look, it's the traditional Wonkette Baby Donation Pressure Lion Of Cuteness, encouraging you to throw your wallets at us OW OW OW YOUR WALLET IS HEAVY LIKE A BRICK:
YOU CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW
We shall now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé:
1. Elizabeth Warren, We Love You So Fucking Much. You Are So Fucking Wrong Right Now. We were MAD AT HER.
2. Donna Brazile, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING. We were just asking.
3. I Spent My Sunday Taking Down The Literary Darling Who Assaulted Me, And Boy Do I Feel Shaky. A must-read from Robyn!
4. Donna Brazile Wrote A Thing. Oh. She did. And it was bad.
5. Let’s Read Carter Page’s Batshit Testimony Together, While Wonkette Liveblogs It! WE SPENT SEVEN HOURS DOING THAT FOR YOU.
6. Papa John’s So Sad That Only Nazis Like Their Shitty Pizza Now. What exactly did they think was going to happen?
7. Congratulations, Chef José Andrés, You Win 2017. Because he is a HERO for what he's doing in Puerto Rico.
8. What The Hell, Rand Paul’s Neighbor???? A story that still isn't any clearer than the day we published it.
9. No. You Don’t Get To Kill Yourself. Neither Do I. A raw and honest story from yr KillerMartinis.
10. And finally, Meet Virginia (Where An Absolute GOP Bloodbath Is Happening, LOL). That was literally just an open thread with no information in it, that we stuck up while election results were coming in, and yet it was your TENTH FAVORITE.
So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!
Oh, hey, sign up for our newsletter RIGHT NOW DO IT DO IT DO IT:
Now you get a present, it is the Wonkette Toddler Woman in Zion National Park this week! "It's amazing here!" she said, because she has all the best words.
OK bye.
Yours in Christ,
Wonkette
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.