PA Governor Tom Wolf Tells The GOP Mapfuckers To Get Fucked

The Pennsylvania GOP has chutzpah! (For those of you who didn't grow up in Bageltown, that means they have SOME NERVE.) The classic definition of chutzpah is a guy who murders his parents and then begs the court to take pity on him for being an orphan. Which is apt considering Pennsylvania Republicans have murdered elections with gerrymandering for the past decade, and are now stomping up and down at the unfairness of having to draw fair electoral districts. They spent a lot of time ratfucking those maps to ensure they'd get 70 percent of the seats with only 50 percent of the vote, and they don't intend to give it up without a fight. CHUTZPAH!

Three weeks ago, the Pennsylvania Supreme Court tossed the state's fakakta electoral maps and ordered the Republican-stolen Republican-held legislature to cooperate with Democratic Governor Tom Wolf to draw up new maps in time for the 2018 elections. After being stiffed on an appeal to the US Supreme Court, the Pennsylvania GOP came up with this new map.

Well, more or less. Actually, it looks like this, and Wolf formally rejected it yesterday.

As I, your FDF, have mentioned several times, the only way to unfuck this country is to unfuck the electoral districts. So let's nerd out for a minute on exactly why the GOP's proposed districts are just as gerrymandered as the old ones. Because redistricting is the next great civil rights battle, and they're going to pull this shit every time. So the Blue Team better start learning to read a map!

This is a map of the 2016 Congressional race. Looks pretty red, right?

Republicans love to tweet this picture, because it makes them feel like they are a big, powerful red monster. In fact, the Republican vote margin was just 1% -- which gave them a 6% margin in the House of Representatives thanks to gerrymandering. In a way, we Democrats make it really easy for them. More than 80% of Americans live in an urban area, and that makes it easy to draw a line around a city, corralling all the Democrats into one or two districts. Then the mapfuckers can say, "Not our fault all you heathen libruls like to live on top of each other!" But they are LYING.

Take for example, the Keystone State. Pennsylvania has 12.78 million people, most of whom live inside these two blue ovals.

In the southeast corner is the Philadelphia metro area, with 6.1 million people. And in the southwest corner is the Pittsburgh metro area, with 2.3 million residents. No, not every one of those 8.4 million people votes Democratic. (Trump took Pennsylvania by persuading those suburban voters that Hillary Bengazied those classified emails, LOLsob! [Editrix's note: OR SO THEY CLAIM]) But if you're going to gerrymander -- and until the courts put a stop to it, WE ARE -- urban areas are where the action is.

Here's the most egregious fuckery on the old map. See how District 6 hives off a chunk of voters from the northwest Philly suburbs and pairs them with rural voters in Bucks County? And District 7 pairs another chunk of suburban voters with rural voters to the west?

The Pennsylvania GOP eliminated this "Goofy Kicking Donald" District on their new map and they want a round of applause.

Rep. Phil Meehan, the current Republican Congressman in District 7, is retiring anyway -- because the heart wants a young lady aide, apparently. Meanwhile, those three "packed" Democratic Districts in Philly remain unchanged. They're giving us one lousy district back? Big fucking deal!

But wait, there's more! Next month there will be a special election in District 18. Married "family values" Republican Tim Murphy resigned after getting caught urging his girlfriend to have an abortion. Oooops! Democrat Conor Lamb is giving Rick Saccone a run for the money, which makes Pennsylvania Republicans nervous. If those mean judges are going to force them to redraw the map, they'll just take the opportunity to make the District a lot more rural come November. Bye bye Pittsburgh suburbs!

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So even if Conor Lamb did pull out a win next month, he'd lose in the fall. Oh, you Republican scamps!

The only other major change the Republican mapfuckers suggested was to redraw Districts 15 and 17 to make them a little more visually compact. Democrat Matthew Cartwright would hold the 15th, which is competitive but would still lean blue. And the 15th would get a little more compact, too. Which won't bother Republican Charlie Dent because he's is retiring in the 17th. What a coincidence!

Now you may be asking, why would we make you look at all these pictures of something that will never happen. Governor Wolf told the GOP to piss off with their bullshit map, and the state Supreme Court is already working to draw new, fairer districts. Well, ask yourself whether this is the last time the GOP is going to pull this shit? This is their playbook, and they're going to run it every time unless we stop them. So vote, contribute, and keep flipping those statehouse seats. AND PAY. ATTENTION. TO. THE. MAPS.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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