Panty Prosecutor Wins, Evolution-Dumper Loses: Your Lesser Candidate Wrap-Up!
It occurred to us that we have not followed up on some very important electoral news: Namely, the fate of several candidates who nobody had ever heard of until they briefly shone in the "weird news" column, and then disappeared from view. What happened to those wackos with all their wackiness? Let it never be said that Your Wonkette doesn't follow up!
- First off, in the only Big Election News this post will cover, there's good news from the insanely long vote count in Arizona: the AP has finally called the race for the 2nd Congressional district for Ron Barber, the former aide to Gabrielle Giffords who had finished out her term. Barber had a 1,402-vote lead over Republican Martha McSally as of Friday evening, albeit with several thousand provisional ballots still waiting to be counted, although "An Associated Press analysis determined Barber's lead could not be overcome." Congrats to Rep. Barber, who we hope will enjoy the three or four months he has before some wingnut announces their intention to drive over him with a Jeep (with votes).
- In Hocking County, Ohio, Democrat Laina Fetherolf won a second term as Prosecuting Attorney, overcoming a challenge by Jason Sarvar, who reportedly spread a scurrilous rumor about Ms. Fetherolf going commando in the courtroom after a judge admonished her for wearing dark panties that showed through a light dress. (The story's punch line is that she supposedly left, went to a restroom, then placed the panties before the judge and announced "Problem solved.") Frankly, we'd like to think she'd have won by a landslide if the story were true; as it is, she edged out Sarver by a microfiber-sheer 150 votes.
- In another undergarment-related race, NJ Sen. Robert Menendez won reelection despite not paying his Dominican hookers. Son, we are disappoint. This really sets an unfortunate precedent for possible future senatorial hooker-stiffing.
- Things didn't turn out very well for Kansas School Board candidate Jack Wu, who campaigned on $5 and a promise to save school budgets by eliminating the teaching of evolution, because those books just prepare students "to be liars, crooks, thieves, murderers, and perverts." Wu may have hoped to win solely on the basis of party identification and voter apathy -- simply having an "R" next to his name in a conservative district was supposed to put him over the top. Wu was handily defeated by Democrat Carolyn Campbell, who made an issue of Wu's association with the Westboro Baptist Church and managed to get people to pay attention to a state school board election for once.
- Elsewhere in Kansas, voters in Wichita decided to keep keep their precious bodily fluids free of fluoridated water for the third time since the matter was first put to a vote in 1964. Way to go, John Birch Society!
- Maryland Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-Godwin), who attempted to go all Tea Party by suggesting that maybe student loans were just the first step on the road to another Holocaust, lost to Democrat John Delaney. The 86 year old Bartlett, who had been in the House since 1992, will, like Todd Akin, be leaving behind a place on the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology. We can hardly wait to see who joins science expert Paul Broun, who eked out a win (despite 4000 write-in votes for "Charles Darwin"), on that august body!
- Citizens of Tennessee can sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that State Rep. Kelly Keisling (R-FEMA Camp), handily won reelection. Mr. Keisling was the vigilant guardian of freedom who emailed his constituents to warn that Barack Obama might fake his own assassination so he could cancel the 2012 elections and hold on to power forever. As it turns out, the Kenyan Usurper managed to steal the election anyway, as did Mr. Keisling.
- Finally, in Minnesota, Allen Quist, the Gollum lookalike bathhouse spy, and evolution debunker who Michele Bachmann praised for his "intellectual firepower," somehow lost his bid for the House to Democrat Tim Walz by 15 points. Quist's website attributes the loss to a superior get-out-the-vote effort and a lack of promised funding from the National Republican Campaign Committee, rather than to interference by Satan or teh gheys, so we'll give Quist credit for one moment of sanity, though perhaps it came a bit too late to do him any good.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.