Pardons For Everyone, Including The President! (Offer May Not Be Valid In Your America)

What the hell is going on with this pardon stuff? Why are the ghosts of felons past clogging our newsfeeds? Why are we talking about Dinesh Fucking D'Souza?

Well, that's what happens when you elect a criminal. Good job, America!

Uhhh, citation needed, Poppy!

We can think of several reasons Trump might have PARDONS on his "mind" this week, even though he is pure as the driven snow of course. The noose is tightening around Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, giving them every incentive to flip on him; Roger Stone's role as a conduit to Wikileaks appears to be in Robert Mueller's crosshairs; and Trump's own lawyers are waging a clumsy media campaign to stem the PR fallout when their client either refuses to testify or pleads the Fifth. So Trump is desperately signaling that the White House Pardon Shop is open for business. Why cut a deal when you can let Robert Mueller convict you and just cash in your Trump brand Get Out of Jail Free Card, right?

It started with Bush-era crimer Scooter Libby, whom Trump pardoned in April for lying and obstructing Justice. Last week Dinesh Fucking D'Souza's 2012 conviction for campaign finance violations magically disappeared. Usually the Justice Department vets pardon applications, but Libby and D'Souza hadn't even petitioned to have their cases reviewed. It just so happened that Donald Trump felt like vanishing some perjury, obstruction, and campaign finance convictions. Oh, no reason! (What are Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort in trouble for again?)

Who will he pardon next? Will it be those very worthy former Apprentice contestants Rod Blagojevich and Martha Stewart? MAYBE!

The former Illinois governor was caught on tape trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat -- "I've got this thing, and it's fucking golden. I'm just not giving it up for fucking nothing" -- after which he was impeached and convicted of corruption and extortion. But the pardon office is open, and Judge Jeanine is taking applications.

There are many who feel, and I believe maybe the president does as well, that the guy was just kinda practicing politics.


Who's next at the Presidential Pardon Rodeo? Step right up, pretty lady!

I know how much dedicated and committed he was on the Trump campaign. I know he did an excellent job. I know because of this incident his freedom is challenged. So I trust and hope and I ask to President Trump to pardon him. I hope he will.

Yes, that's coffee boy George Papdopoulos's wife, Simona Mangiante, batting her eyes at Tucker Carlson as she explicitly asks Trump to interfere in the ongoing criminal prosecution of her husband for lying to the FBI. Which he has admitted. (Incidentally, what the hell is going on with the two of them?)

Anyone else? What about you, big fella? You look like a guy with terrible legal advisors!

Okay, then! Last weekend, Rudy Giuliani parked his ass in every television studio in New York to insist that Trump has the right to pardon himself, although he won't WINK WINK. So, does the president have the power to pardon himself? Well, the only time the Justice Department weighed in, they decided that he didn't.

Under the fundamental rule that no one may be a judge in his own case, the President cannot pardon himself.

And then Nixon resigned. Womp womp.

But it's really an open question, since we've never elected a mob boss before. Let's ask some Republicans what they think!

Ouch! Presume Deer Dead.

What about you, Ted Cruz? You went to Harvard Law and wrote a longass article three years ago in the Harvard Journal of Law and Public Policy on President Obama's "unprecedented lawlessness." Whatcha got, Lyin' Ted?

Wanna think about this for three hours and then get back to us with 18 tweets yelling at the press for daring to ask you a question?

So integrity. Much intellectual honest.

YOU WANNA HURRY IT UP THERE, MISTER MUELLER? He'll have pardoned every rich white dude in federal prison before the summer's over. And these useless GOP bastards aren't gonna do shit to stop the maniac!


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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