Pastor Greg Locke Has Important Update On His Witch Problem

Religion
Pastor Greg Locke Has Important Update On His Witch Problem

Last February, the internet was pretty rocked by Trump-loving pastor Greg Locke's stunning announcement that he had discovered six (six!) "spell-casting" witches trying to infiltrate his Global Vision Church, two of whom even managed to get into his own wife's Bible Study.

He said:

We got first and last names of six witches that are in our church. And you know what’s strange, three of you are in this room right now! You better look in my eyeballs, we ain't afraid of you, you stinkin' witch! You devil-worshiping Satanist witch! We cast you out in the name of Jesus Christ! We break your spells, we break your curse, we got your first name, we got your last name, we even got an address for one of yaaaa! [...]

You so much as cough wrong and I'll expose you to everybody in this tent, you stinkin' witch. You were sent to this church to destroy us, you were sent to this church to lure us in, you were sent to this church to cast spells. Some of you have been sick because you befriended that witch! Two of ya in my wife's Ladies Bible Study and you know who you are, and we're going to ask you to get ooooooout!

And how did the good pastor find out about all of these witches? He did an exorcism of a new church member, who revealed their names to him as he cast a demon out of her, of course. According to Locke, they were there "on assignment" to infiltrate the church and lure church members into doing adultery. Like you do.

Hemant Mehta of Friendly Atheist and Only Sky posted a new clip this weekend of Locke delivering a big update on his witch infestation problem, which he now seems to think was much bigger than he previously "We've had more 'assignments' sent to our church," he claims, referring to witches who were sent to take his church down, "than probably 20 churches in America you can shake a stick at."

He hired private investigators to look into them. Like he called up a private eye and said "Hello, I am Pastor Greg Locke, can you please look into these witches that are casting spells on my church and hanging around my wife's bible study wearing negligees and singing 'Whatever Lola Wants?' or whatever it is they do?" And the private investigator was like "Yes, give me your money, I will get right on that?"

While Locke knew the names and identities of the six witches — as they were given to him by the girl he was exorcising — this private investigator discovered that they were all using the same P.O. Box number because "they all getting paid by the same people to come bring our church down."

So this is a whole ass organization he's talking about here, with some kind of corporate structure? Or is it some kind of witchy Charlie's Angels situation?

Just try and wrap your head around this for a second. Either way, there is an organization of some kind that is paying covens of witches to go to Mt. Juliet, Tennessee, and infiltrate Greg Locke's church, and go to his wife's Bible Study, just to bone some boring married Christians and maybe cast some spells. But they can't spring for more than one PO Box and they don't have direct deposit?

When do they even get to the fun part of witchcraft? After they're done writing up daily reports on how they got Bob Meyers to check out their rack during the Church bake sale? This does not seem like a good deal at all, for the witches, and they should perhaps consider unionizing.

The thing I really enjoy about the imaginary witches and Satanists invented in the minds of Good American Christians is that they are so fabulously mundane. Like really, most of the shit they get up to, apart from the ritual sacrifices, is incredibly boring.

Imagine being the guy who has to backmask all of the music. Is that really the kind of lifestyle you sign yourself up for when you sell your soul to the devil? Robert Johnson got incredible guitar skills, Tartini got a kickass violin sonata, dude in Damn Yankees gets to become a young baseball player, and you get this anonymous drudgery, day in, day out? Sitting around all day going "Oh, okay, how are we gonna get it to vaguely sound like Ariana Grande is saying "Kill them all, Lucifer?"

I would be super mad, is all I'm saying.

God is a woman - Ariana Grande (reversed)www.youtube.com


And yet, those are never the people who leave these covens and Satanic cults. Every ex-Satanic cult member (because Satan apparently does not have a no takesy-backsies policy on souls) you will ever see speaking to a rapt group of born-again Christians about how once they were lost and now they are found was a full-on "high priest" or "high priestess." Sort of like how when people "remember their past lives," they were never peasants or fish.

I certainly hope that these witches, after having to put up with Locke and his ilk, get some kind of bonus or at least get to move up the corporate witchcraft ladder, because that is just no kind of life for someone with magic powers.

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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