Pat Robertson Beat Up Hurricane Florence With His Bible And Now It Is Dead
Listen up, North Carolina and South Carolina and Virginia and the rest of y'all: TURN THOSE CARS AROUND. (Do not turn those cars around.) We know you think there is a big hurricane coming your way, but that is Fake News, because Pat Robertson fixed it. (Pat Robertson did not fix it.)
Right Wing Watch reports that Pat Robertson has done his usual "GO 'WAY, BIG BLOWY STORM" prayer in Hurricane Florence's general direction, thus sparing the coast (not sparing):
I don't want that thing to come in," Robertson said. "I don't want it to hurt Regent, I don't wait it to hurt CBN, I don't want it to tear up the beautiful campus, I don't want it to tear these trees down, I don't want to see any damage, I don't want a bunch of glass flowing, and I don't want [damage] all over this area that is counting on us to pray for them."
Robertson then commanded Florence, in the name of Jesus, to change its path away from land and to spin off into the Atlantic ocean.
"We declare in the name of the Lord that you shall go no farther, you shall do no damage in this area," he said. "We declare a shield of protection all over Tidewater and we declare a shield of protection over those innocent people in the path of this hurricane. In Jesus' holy name, be out to sea!"
Right Wing Watch notes that Robertson told everybody gathered they'd remember exactly where they were when they all barked orders at Jesus and Jesus obediently turned that storm around.
This, of course, is not Pat Robertson's first Hurricane-Fucking Rodeo. He says he made Hurricane Esther go 'way in 1961, and also that he made Hurricane Gloria go 'way in 1985. (It slammed into Long Island instead of Virginia. Praise Jesus!)
Of course, as Americans United for Separation of Church and State points out, sometimes Pat Robertson's hurricane-fucking skills are a tad unreliable, as hurricanes Bonnie (1998) and Isabel (2003) totally hit the areas around the CBN studios and Regent University, despite his surely very good prayers.
But don't worry, Florence is probably about to do-si-do out into the ocean any second now! And if somehow the storm still blows its way all the way through Pat Robertson's prayer shield, it's not his fault, as God is probably just punishing North Carolina and South Carolina for being a great big gaywad, because all good Christians know that Pat Robertson teaches that when hurricanes happen, it is because God is mad about a great big gaywad somewhere.
For real, though, kids, if you are in the affected areas -- not that you need Wonkette to tell you this, unless you literally read no news besides Wonkette, in which case you should at least download the Weather Channel app we think -- Florence is no joke and you need to GET OUT or GET TO THE LIQUOR STORE, or whatever your plan is. Just look at this lede from the Washington Post, which at first glance we thought was ghost-written by Donald Trump:
Large and violent Florence is continuing on a beeline toward the East Coast as an "extremely dangerous" Category 4 hurricane. Catastrophic flooding and destructive winds are becoming very likely in the eastern Carolinas.
LARGE AND VIOLENT FLORENCE! And she is pissed!
Just now on the TV, Trump did give a very scientific explanation of Hurricane Florence:
It is tremendously BIG and tremendously WET.
Florence is slamming toward the coast, and will either be a Category 3 or a 4 when it gets there, and THEN it is expected to just sit there like a common Hurricane Harvey and just blow water all over everybody for days. It really could end up being Trump's 74th Katrina at this point, so please stay safe, whether you are in hurricane party mode or you have decided to GTFO. (At this point, 1.5 million people have been ordered to evacuate. Don't be a hero if you're in that group. GO.)
We know it's tempting in times like these to trust Pat Robertson's Jesus Wand -- for real, when we first heard about Hurricane Florence, our first thought was "Why hasn't Pat Robertson thrown Jesus at the storm yet? Does he not care anymore?" -- but that's not what the few scientists left in the Trump administration would recommend.
OR IS IT?
It's not, you guys.
OK, have an open thread!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!