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Pat Robertson just enjoys being Pat Robertson, and he doesn't care who knows it. And by golly, he sure does admire how people of the Hebrew persuasion are so darn good at making money -- it really is something to be admired, not a shameful stereotype. And so it makes perfect sense that he'd have awarm welcome for guest Daniel Lapin, a rightwing rabbi, who appeared on Monday's 700 Club to flog his new book about what Robertson called the “ancient Jewish wisdom” that helps your Jewy types to grab that cash with both hands and make a stash:


“What is it about Jewish people that make them prosper financially? You almost never find Jews tinkering with their cars on the weekends or mowing their lawns. That’s what Daniel Lapin says and there’s a very good reason for that, and it lies within the business secrets of the Bible.”

It's that special Bible magic that lets Jews spend their weekends, as Robertson exclaims later, "polishing diamonds, not fixing cars!"

And by golly, home viewer, maybe if you listen very carefully, you can learn a thing or two from this Jew fella! And send a generous contribution to keep this ministry on the air, of course.

Lapin is the right wing's favorite rabbi, whose specialty, according to a WaPo profile, is "finding support in the Torah for what turns out to be the current Republican platform: lower taxes, decreased regulation, pro-traditional family policies." And he's also a fan of money! Because God, you see, wants us to be rich, so that we can trickle down upon those below us:

“When you correctly said in Jewish neighborhoods you do not find Jews lying under their cars on Sunday afternoons, no, I pay one of the best mechanics around to take care of my BMW, I’d be crazy to take my time doing it myself,” Lapin said. “Or for me to mow my lawn, I’m the worse lawnmower in the world, but the young man who lives down the street from me, he’s one of the best and he’s happy to do it and I’m happy.”

He added that paying for such services is all about “taking care of God’s other children.”

He seems nice! And look, video!

Robertson's gleeful laughter as he says, "polishing diamonds, not fixing cars" is really quite the treat, is it not?

Lapin went on to explain that you should work until you die (so let's get rid of Social Security) and that fairness is a foreign concept to the Bible, too. And as it happens, God is quite happy with inequality, as reflected in the language of God's Own People (or at least his original Own People, before there were Republicans):

“There’s no Hebrew word for retirement; the general rule is when there’s no Hebrew word for something, it’s a bad idea. For instance, there’s no Hebrew word for adolescent, because when you think about it an adolescent is just somebody who wants all the privileges of adulthood with none of the responsibilities.”

They didn't actually come right out and call for an end to our anti-Biblical child labor laws, but if you want to be a nation that honors God, you'll get rid of concepts that don't exist in ancient Hebrew -- which sort of makes us wonder why Rabbi Lapin has that BMW at all. More video? Sure, why not -- Right Wing Watch took the trouble to record it, so we'd be irresponsible to not share it, although you should be aware that there's no word in Hebrew for "video."

The best reply we've seen to the diamond-polishing nonsense comes from Jason Torchinsky at Jalopnik:

My valet shoved away some of the piles of money I use to shield my eyes from all the gold-reflections in my home and placed an iPad in front of me. On it was a clip of Pat Robertson talking about how Jews never tinker with cars, and how we're too busy polishing diamonds. Finally! Someone understands!

Of course, all this video-watching was really cutting into my diamond-polishing time, so I slapped my valet away and grabbed another sack of diamonds to polish. Later, as I shoved a Christian baby into the juicer to make my lunch-matzoh, I found my mind kept wandering back to Robertson's statement, so I decided to watch the whole thing...

It's worth a read. And we suppose that someone like Rabbi Daniel Lapin was pretty much inevitable, seeing as how the Right has its black people who can't stand black people and its ladies against women. So it only stands to reason that they'd find a Jew who just loves rolling around in anti-Semitic stereotypes and insists, hey, it's good that they're true.

We could say a lot more about this, but our Zionist paymasters tell us its time to go change the oil.

[RightWingWatch / Jalopnik]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He thinks "polish your diamonds" would make a pretty good euphemism for something else.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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