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This post originally ran in the Olden Timey Days of just a few weeks ago, but now we think it might be a Thanksgiving tradition! Curl up in your snuggie with your first cocktail of Thanksgiving morning, and learn how to hate on the gays with Grandpa Pat!

Thanksgiving is such a nice time! (Unless you hate it.) You get to see your family, or whatever family you've created for yourself, and they shove eleventy thousand pounds of food in your face and then you take a drunk nap. It's a good day! It's also a great time for your little homo fairy son to try to bring his latest sex piece home from "college," pfffffft. Pat Robertson helps one of his fake viewers ("Jim" this time) navigate the best way to hurt your gay kids in their hearts this Thanksgiving:


See, before we even look at Pat Robertson's version of Dan Savage's sex advice for families, we can say, right off the bat, that "Jim," who probably does not exist, is an asshole and A Idiot. "Jim" does not love his grandson. "Jim" loves the imaginary straight version of his grandson. Well, sorry, Jim, but your grandson likes to dive headlong into piles of foreskin, and we know you had many pussy dreams for him, but this is what it is. ALSO? His boyfriend is part of his life. He's not there just for fucking.

Anyway, we could yell at "Jim" more, but "Jim," like all Pat's "viewers," probably doesn't exist. So let's look at what Pat says and LOL at it:

I just believe you're taking the right stand. Otherwise you become an enabler.

One time, when yr Wonkette was a young gay, we went to our mom's house for Thanksgiving and we brought this guy we were dating. We wouldn't have fucked that night if mom hadn't made her famous giblet gravy and made us eat it, but she did, and therefore we did like nine gay sex positions that night (in the butt), because mommy enabled our gay sex addiction. THANKS OBAMA AND ALSO MOM. (That's a lie, we made the whole thing up, HI MOM. But her giblet gravy IS badass.)

Continue, Pat Robertson:

And you're condoning that, and the chances are there's a real good chance he might come out of that so-called "lifestyle," but if you're going along with it, he says, "well mom likes it, it's okay." And uh, he's trying to push it ... he's trying to get you to affirmatively accept what he's doing. And you don't want to do it. So he's trying to force you to do something.

Oh, Patterson Patrick Patricia Robertson, you ignorant slut. There's not a "good chance" he's going to "come out of" the "so-called lifestyle." He is A Gay. Science has told us repeatedly that A Gay is going to be A Gay for life, because that is how things are. Most of the leaders of the dying "ex-gay" movement admit this, and most of them are back to fucking their own gender again! (If they ever stopped.)

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And yeah, he's trying to "push it" because he wants his fucking family to be a part of his life. Now, Jim's grandson is in college, so is his current Thanksgiving giblet gravy cum-beast boyfriend the one he's going to spend his life with? PROBABLY NOT! There are so many giblet gravy cum-beasts in the ocean, that's what our mom always said! (No she didn't. But her gravy is still badass.) Regardless, the grandson of the fake viewer wants to bring his boyfriend home because he wants to spend the holiday with him.

One more word from you, Pat:

I mean, what if your son is dating a stripper and he wants to bring her home for Thanksgiving dinner ...

Then he's dating a lady who takes her clothes off for money and your family shouldn't be such assholes about it, because she's a lady stripper with a heart and a soul.

But back to "Jim" and the gay grandson, if his family keeps being assholes, they just might lose him. Oh, he's not going to die. He's just going to abandon his family's hillbilly, shit-licking asses and go off and live a beautiful happy life, and probably have more money and a bigger house, and they won't get to be a part of it.

Suck on that, you homophobic, hateful pussies.

[The New Civil Rights Movement]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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