Paul Gosar, Stuck At Home In Quarantine, Dreams Of Dying In A Spielberg Movie

Paul Gosar, Stuck At Home In Quarantine, Dreams Of Dying In A Spielberg Movie

Rep. Paul Gosar is in self-quarantine after sustained contact with someone who'd contracted the coronavirus. All this manly, free-market hand shaking took place at the Conservative Political Action Conference and Mitt Romney-free zone. The Arizona congressman and the staff members who also couldn't stop touching the infected CPACer are symptom free — that's a good thing! — and are considered low risks for infection. We praised Gosar's good judgment and mature leadership in the face of crisis early Monday, but it only took a few hours before Gosar said something good and stupid.

Gosar was sitting around the house Monday, probably bored off his ass because he didn't ask his wife if there was anything he could do to help out (that's usually the case whenever I'm bored). He started to reflect on the great pageant of life, like Oscar Wilde in Reading Gaol, even though he'd only been in quarantine for about eight minutes. He posted his thoughts on Twitter.

Gosar might've watched too many superhero movies, where dying "gloriously in battle" means you just disintegrate after having enough time for a poignant last word. There's certainly no coughing involved. Weirdly, the photo Gosar includes in his tweet looks like something from the Middle Ages. Dying in those battles wasn't "glorious." There were messy amputations if you didn't just bleed out painfully in the mud. It also wasn't always the steel blade that did you in, but bacteria that camped out in your dirty wounds. This wasn't the glamorous life. Didn't he see the opening of Saving Private Ryan?

It's not shocking that someone who fetishizes guns as much as Gosar does would romanticize a violent death. People who have actually fought in wars would probably tell you they'd like to die with their loved ones nearby, even if it's in a boring old hospital bed. Unfortunately, Gosar might not have a lot of loved ones. His own relatives appeared in campaign ads advising people to vote against him because he was such a big jerk.

I'm not sure how Gosar thought he was going to die before confronting his own mortality this week. He was a dentist before becoming a lousy politician. That's not usually a field you enter if you want to die like a character from Medieval Times. It's probably one of the safest professions. I'd certainly rank it above podiatry with all the smelly feet.

Gosar reminds me of the dentist from the M*A*S*H movie, the unfortunately named "Painless Pole." He gets all into his feels because he can't "perform" with the ladies so he thinks he's gay and demands some big dramatic "Last Supper" suicide ceremony and WOW! does this movie sound like it hasn't aged well.

Please get over yourself, Rep. Gosar. You're probably going to be fine — unlike a lot of people who've been exposed to this virus. Now stop making desperate pleas for attention on social media and go make yourself useful around the house.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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