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While we wait for the clock to strike All Hell Thirty, with the Manafort sentencing memo in DC due this afternoon and whatever else Our Hero Robert Mueller has in store for today, let's enjoy this fun preview from Bloomberg and the New York Times of possible charges against Manafort in New York state court. Because Mueller may be noping out for Ibiza (allegedly!), and we can't rule out the possibility that Commander Spray Tan might issue a pardon for his erstwhile ratfucking campaign manager. But the likelihood that Paul Manafort skates on all the crazy criminal shit he's gotten into is basically zero.

Wonkers, meet your new heroes Cyrus Vance (you take your heroes where you can get them), Mark Herring, Xavier Becerra, Karl Racine, and Brian Frosh. Those would be the Manhattan District Attorney and the Attorneys General from Virginia, California, DC and Maryland. And they are here to make sure Paul Manafort doesn't ride off into the sunset on a presidential pardon.


Our feelings about Cyrus Vance are ... complicated. (Also Mark Herring, ugh.) But if the Times is correct, Vance has already presented his case against Manafort to a grand jury, and charges are imminent.

Mr. Vance's office first began investigating Mr. Manafort in 2017 in connection with loans he received from two banks. Those loans were also the subject of some of the counts in the federal indictment that led to his conviction last year. But the state prosecutors deferred their inquiry in order not to interfere with Mr. Mueller's case.

They resumed their investigation in recent months, and a state grand jury began hearing evidence in the case, several people with knowledge of the matter said. The panel is expected to wrap up its work in the coming weeks, several of the people said, and prosecutors likely will ask the grand jurors to vote on charges shortly thereafter.

Manafort's lawyers will argue that double jeopardy laws protect their client from prosecution for the same crimes in state and federal court, but New York's tax laws and rules governing falsification of business records likely give rise to separate state offenses. And when Mr. Vance is done with Ol' Pauly, he can pass him along to the Attorney General of Virginia to see if any of the Commonwealth's financial regulations have been violated by Manafort's extensive money laundering scheme. There's also all that fuckery with Trump's PAC Rebuilding America, based in Virginia, possibly paying kickbacks to Manafort for ad buys by Multi Media Services, also based in Virginia. And don't forget, Rick Gates is obligated by his plea deal to cooperate with any and all investigations, so take due notice thereof and guide yourself accordingly, Mr. Herring.

And when Herring completes his work, he can hand Manafort over to Mr. Becerra in California. As in so many things, the Golden State is blessed with a running start, since Manafort's ex-son-in-law Jeffery Yohai has already agreed to cooperate and spill the beans on the scheme to take out a construction loan on Manafort's Brooklyn brownstone and funnel it into Yohai's real estate flipping business in Los Angeles.

And when Mr. Becerra is done, well, Brian Frosh and Karl Racine can flip a coin to see who goes next. Because if you commit all those crimes in NoVA, chances are law enforcement authorities in the District and the Land of Pleasant Living are entitled to take a bite, too. What we're saying here is, PAUL MANAFORT, U R FUCKD.

And also, where the hell is that sentencing memo? You know we love you, Bobby M. But you have ruined many a Friday night for us, Sir, and we'd greatly appreciate if you would just this once file a document before 4:57pm. WE ARE JUST SAYING.

[Bloomberg / NYT]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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