Donate

Anybody in the mood for a mean-spirited and unnecessary April Fools post that isn't even really an April Fools joke, but just Wonkette sitting over here laughing at a Trump asshole's predicament? YOU ARE? Well then come sit by us, because it is Paul Manafort's 70th birthday, he is reportedly in very bad health, and he is also in prison right now.

media3.giphy.com

If you are reading this right now, that's probably because you are not in prison like Paul Manafort, and therefore are allowed to dial up the internet whenever you want to. You may have eaten cake today, even if it is not your birthday. And Paul Manafort might have eaten cake too, whether a nice guard brought him a shitty cupcake for his birthday (no candles because contraband), or because he accidentally fell in the bathroom and ended up eating urinal cake.

Oh, how sad for him, that he is one of the many people who had his life ruined because Donald Trump decided to run for president.


Here is a thing Paul Manafort is not getting today:

media3.giphy.com

And you know why? Because NO PONIES IN PRISON.

Here is a thing Paul Manafort is probably not doing today:

media2.giphy.com

We guess he could be playing pin the tail on the donkey today. It's theoretically possible.

He's probably not even doing this:

media3.giphy.com

Sad.

Oh well, anyway, we come not to feel sorry for Paul Manafort, but to make fun of him.

Know who else's birthday it is right now?

media1.giphy.com

Hey, Rachel, happy birthday! Did you know you share a birthday with GoutFace McStinky up there? It's funny because Maddow was one of the best and most steadfast reporters of Paul Manafort's Russian crimes and his Ukrainian crimes and his bank fraud crimes, and also got an A+ for reading us all the transcripts of what happened in Paul Manafort's trials.

This is a good time to remember, as Donald Trump and his sycophants run around claiming they have been EXONERATED of all Russian crimes -- based on a report they have not read -- that actually Robert Mueller indicted a shit ton of people, and there are several trials still ongoing. Michael Cohen's next birthday (August 25) will be spent in prison -- though God bless him for trying to turn his life around and start to make amends, so we won't be writing this post on that date. And we know that in America, we abide by a sacrosanct standard of "innocent until proven Roger Stone," but his trial isn't until the fall, so we doubt we'll be writing this post for his birthday, which is two days after Cohen's (August 27).

Oh, who are we kidding, Stone will piss off the judge to the point of no return long before his birthday, and she'll finally revoke his bail agreement. We will totally write this post on that day!

And then there's whoever ends up getting LOCK HER UPPED by the Southern District of New York (SDNY), and the state of New York, and also Maryland and New Jersey and Virginia and whomever else decides to get in on the fun.

Just in case we ever need it as a reference, here are some birthdays of random people who might go to prison someday:

Donald Trump Jr. (December 31 -- it will be a New Years Rockin' Eve Wonkette Tradition post, if that happens!)

Jared Kushner (January 10)

Ivanka Trump (October 30)

Eric Trump (January 6)

Erik Prince (June 6)

Daddybucks Trump (June 14)

Hillary Clinton (October 26 LOL APRIL FOOLS SHE IS NOT GOING TO PRISON)

Deep State (February 29)

And just in case there is a God in the sky who hears our vicious imprecatory prayers:

Devin Nunes (October 1)

Anyway, make sure to tell Alexa to put all those on your calendars, just in case!

In summary and in conclusion, we guess this is your OPEN THREAD, so be sure to post lots of festive pictures and celebratory songs, none of which Paul Manafort will ever see.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. Click below to keep the lights on, please. We appreciate you, most of the time.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc