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As we all know, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort and his trusty sidekick Rick Gates have been grounded by special counsel Robert Mueller and are not allowed to leave their houses, and if they try to make a run past the electric fence in the front yard, their collars will shock them like "BZZZZZ!" (OK, we do not really think they have shock collars.) But new Mueller filings unsealed late Tuesday tell us a lot more about what a flight risk these guys really are, especially Manafort, because they have SO MUCH MONEY in foreign bank accounts and they have SO MANY RUSSIAN OLIGARCH FRIENDS to pick them up at the airport in Moscow if they flee. Also, Manafort seems to have approximately one million passports and five gabillion fake names, all of which are various spellings of "Igor Poopsky." (OK we are exaggerating wildly there, the way Donald Trump does about his wealth, allegedly.)

Also, Mueller's filing says their crimes are serious enough to land them in the hoosegow for so many years (as many as 15 or 16 for Manafort!) that it's not a stretch to think they might want to run away to Russia and never come back to America again. Mueller furthermore notes that Manafort is old, and might run because he really doesn't want to die in prison. Poor guy. Guess he shouldn't have done one million crimes allegedly?

Here are some other things the strong arm of Robert Mueller lists in these filings:

  • Manafort and Gates have a tangled web of foreign accounts in places like "Cyprus, Grenadines, Seychelles and England," and they are co-signatories on these accounts with ... a Russian national who works for Manafort? (So much for these indictments having nothing to do with Russia!) Rachel Maddow speculated Tuesday night that this "Russian national" is probably Konstantin Kilimnik, whom Politico has referred to as "Manafort's man in Kiev." Don't worry, he's just a former Russian spy. ("Former.")
  • NEW PHONE WHO DIS? That is something Paul Manafort probably says a lot, since he got a new Obamaphone and email this year under a fake name, and he's already used them for travel purposes, including a trip to China. Is the fake name "Igor Poopsky"? It would be irresponsible not to name him that!
  • Manafort has applied for 10 passports over the last 10 years or so, and currently holds three, all with different passport numbers. Now, worldwide travelers will note that having more than one passport in and of itself is not that weird, but considering ALL THIS OTHER SHIT, we'll at least call it "odd."
  • Manafort has a shitload of money, but it's really hard to tell how much, especially if you rely on Manafort to give you a straight answer. Check out this business:

    For example, in November 2016 and January 2017, he noted his assets to be worth approximately $25,000,000. In August 2016, he listed $63,000,000 as the value of his assets, and in a different application also in August 2016, he listed $28,000,000. Previously, in May 2016, Manafort listed the value of his assets at $136,000,000; in March 2016, Manafort represented his assets to be approximately $42,000,000; the prior month, in February 2016, Manafort represented his assets to be worth $48,000,000. In April 2015, Manafort noted the value of his assets to be approximately $35,000,000. In July 2014, he valued his assets at “$30,000,000 plus”; and in April 2012, he stated his assets were $19,000,000.

    Meanwhile, is Rick Gates worth 30 million moneys, or is he worth 2.6 million moneys? Rick Gates does not know!

  • Manafort's old company Davis Manafort Inc., where Rick Gates also worked, had offices and employees in Kiev and Moscow (so much for this having nothing to do with Russia again!), who presumably would be able to help these wayward boys if they showed up in Moscow like "PLZ HELP AMERICA IS TRIGGERING US."
  • Both guys travel abroad a whole lot, and Manafort has been to Shanghai and Grand Cayman and Madrid and a passel of other places JUST THIS YEAR. Also, both men like to visit Cyprus, where bunches of their (allegedly!) dirty money is.
  • "And both Manafort and Gates have connections to Ukrainian and Russian oligarchs, who have provided millions of dollars to Manafort and Gates." So much for this having nothing to do with ... oh fuck it.

For all these reasons Paul Manafort and Rick Gates are hereby ordered to stay home and watch "Judge Judy" until it's time to go spend a million years in prison. Unless they want to flip on Donald Trump or something, in which case we bet Mueller's ready to deal, boys!

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[Mueller filing]

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