Paul Manafort: So Fucked

"I am so fucked!"

Paul Manafort's getting some fancy new jewelry! You think you're a big shot with your ONE ankle bracelet that allows the court to monitor your every movement? Well Uncle Pauly's got TWO! Because when you insist on gumming up the works and making Robert Mueller try you in both DC and Virginia, you wind up with two probation officers watching you via two different GPS systems. Womp womp!

And there's a reason they call the Eastern District of Virginia the "Rocket Docket." If Manafort had agreed to waive venue -- that is, have all the charges tried together in DC -- he would have had all summer long to negotiate a plea deal before his September trial date. But he insisted on a separate case for the ALLEGED Virginia crime spree, so now he'll face a Virginia jury on those 18 indictments on July 10.

Manafort's lawyer complained that he'd never be able to mount a defense to a bunch of cut-and-dried bank fraud cases in only four months. To which Mueller's pit bull Andrew Weissman replied, "Lucky thing we already gave you all the documents. I'm going to eat you for lunch." Well, more or less.

And then Judge T.S. Ellis smacked Manafort's legal team around too, just for funtimes. Per NPR,

When Kevin Downing, the lead lawyer for Manafort, said that in a perfect world "with rosy glasses on," the Virginia trial would start in November, the judge retorted: "You need to go back to the optometrist — that isn't going to happen."

That's what happens when you act like an asshole and insist on getting your case on the Rocket Docket! Maybe you should find a lawyer who knows how shit goes down in the Commonwealth of Virginia. Judge Ellis continued,

Only a fool would try a case in a jurisdiction he's unfamiliar with, without local counsel.


Manafort faces possible jail time of eight to 10 years on the Virginia charges, and 15 to 19 years for his one million alleged crimes in DC. And we're pretty sure that Mr. Mueller has some extra indictments yet to drop. So if Manafort wants to negotiate a plea deal to keep himself out of jail, the clock is ticking.

Lots to think about, Paulie!

And then, as he was leaving the courthouse to return to home confinement, he met this guy.


Well, that is just true.

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[Buzzfeed / NPR]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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