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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


Republicans have only themselves to blame for the collapse of TrumpCare after spending the better part of a decade jerking each other off.

Congressional Democrats are trying to pivot towards ACA improvements now that it SEEMS like Trumpcare is dead, with the hope that a proactive approach can keep insurance markets from cratering.

John Kelly's left his mark at DHS by deporting all the scary Mexicans; god only knows what kind of awful garbage he'll enable now.

Immigrants seeking asylum are being deported in staggering numbers as immigration courts are simply booting people instead.

Paul Ryan's tax reform wet dream is likely to kill off some really popular tax breaks for people who aren't large pharmaceutical corporations, banks, or corporations with deep pockets.

SURPRISE, a new conservative PAC is lobbying for tax reform, and it just so happens to live in Paul Ryan's closet with the exercise equipment.

There's a serious debate about changing the EPA museum so it's more focused on fellateing smokestacks than hugging trees.

Corey Lewandowski crawled out of his petri dish to paint a target on the Consumer Financial Protection Board without actually offering any reasons other than general butthurt.

After North Korea launched another ICBM, the US military essentially spent the weekend in an expensive pissing contest in an attempt to warn the North Korean regime that it better not nuke anybody. That'll show'em.

Dana Boente will head the Justice Department probe for leaks that is undoubtedly going to end at the White House.

Mick Mulvaney embarrassed himself (again) on Sunday when he went on CNN to say Trump's White House doesn't want the Senate to vote on anything else until it kills the ACA.

Mean, old lady, Nancy Pelosi went on teevee to talk about politics like an adult, only to have a bunch of babies and hacks focused on five words.

People are lining up to take a dump on Reince Priebus, including Michael Steele, who says, "Karma's a bitch."

Jeff Sessions really hurt Donald Trump's feelings when he recused himself from Trump-Russia, and he's spent the past several months trying to remain the quiet, dodgy, old racist he used to be.

Republican leaders are becoming nervous that they might not actually do anything while they control the House, Senate and White House, so they're just blaming everything on Trump.

Montana rage monster and freshman congressman Greg Gianforte will do his community service with a nonprofit that builds wheelchairs for children, in order to satisfy the demands of a court that found him guilty of punching a fucking reporter.

Russia is expelling 755 US diplomatic staffers now that Pooty can just pick up the Red Phone and call Trump whenever he needs something.

A Philippines mayor accused by Rodrigo Duterte of selling drugs was killed, along with his wife and 10 others, by police serving a warrant. Coincidentally, the mayor had been a vocal critic of Duterte. Remember when Trump thought he was a great guy? Haha, he still does.)

Somebody raided the Internet's magical trash heap to find crazy people freaking out about next month's solar eclipse and what that means for all the DC drama.

Saudi Arabia is fucking pissed about Qatar's push to "internationalize" the hajj, the super-holy pilgrimage for Muslims, and is calling it a declaration of war. Ya'll...come the fuck on.

Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro is claiming victory in elections for delegates to rewrite their constitution, which is a logical statement considering more than half the country refused to vote, and the the heads of state agencies were intimidating their employees. It may not have been a free or fair election, but Maduro's party definitely won.

A Florida man is divorcing his wife over her incessant Trump selfies. Good move.

Princess Ivanka isn't doing good these days now that there's all these other people whispering into her daddy's ear.

Barack Obama's pet project on gerrymandering is raking in the Ameros from some big donors. GO, BAMZ, GO!

Precious 'Merican stepford child Tomi Lahren talked with Chelsea Handler and admitted that she's really glad that her parents pay for her health insurance, and other assorted hypocritical nonsense.

Let's all watch Chris Christie insult drunk people at a baseball game! He's certainly a big shot!

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert found a kid who can write letters like Pickel, John Oliver 'splainered Alex Jones conspiracy bullshit; and Chelsea Handler put on a lab coat and science'd Trump's stupidity.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Squeaky coati adventures!

Give us money! We're only spending it on coffee, and cigarettes, and booze, and baby stuff. Super swear! 

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Roger Stone, you got some 'splainin' to do, Mister! Remember all those times Stone swore on his Nixon tattoo that he never had any contact with Russians, wasn't a campaign surrogate, and wasn't tipped off to stolen DNC emails in advance? Like that time he told the Washington Post:

"I've never been to Russia. I didn't talk to anybody who was identifiably Russian during the two-year run-up to this campaign," he said. "I very definitely can't think of anybody who might have been a Russian without my knowledge. It's a canard."

Stone told the House Intelligence Committee the same thing last September, but, LOL FUNNY STORY! Seems that Stone just plum forgot about that time in May, 2016 when Trump communications advisor Michael Caputo asked him to meet with Henry Greenberg, "a man with a Make America Great Again hat and a viscous Russian accent." The Washington Post reports, Greenberg was offering sexxxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton, which Stone and Caputo were only too happy to grab by the pussy. But they just couldn't get there!

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Congressman Beto O'Rourke, who hopes to replace Ted Cruz in the US Senate this fall, is one of several Texas and El Paso leaders participating in a march to the just-opened tent city at the US/Mexico border in Tornillo, Texas, where children have already been imprisoned "placed."

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