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Coquettish Paul Ryan Done Playing Hard To Get, Ready To Give His Heart To Trump

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single Presidential candidate in possession of a good fortune must be in want of an endorsement from a speaker of the House. And although it's taken several months, a lot of thinkin', some late night talks and possibly a freezer full of delicious Trump Steaks, the coquettish Paul Ryan has finally given in to his basest desires and fallen head over heels for reality star Donald Trump, whom he is very excited to be endorsing for the position of PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, and also his heart. Also he is pretty sure he will get Donald whipped in no time, and ready to go along with what the Republicans in the House of Representatives want.


He even published a beautiful love letter to him in a newspaper column, for all the world to see. Sort of like the Brownings, but even more romantical:

Donald Trump and I have talked at great length about things such as the proper role of the executive and fundamental principles such as the protection of life. The list of potential Supreme Court nominees he released after our first meeting was very encouraging.

But the House policy agenda has been the main focus of our dialogue. We’ve talked about the common ground this agenda can represent. We’ve discussed how the House can be a driver of policy ideas. We’ve talked about how important these reforms are to saving our country. And we’ve talked about how, by focusing on issues that unite Republicans, we can work together to heal the fissures developed through the primary.

Through these conversations, I feel confident he would help us turn the ideas in this agenda into laws to help improve people’s lives. That’s why I’ll be voting for him this fall.

It’s no secret that he and I have our differences. I won’t pretend otherwise. And when I feel the need to, I’ll continue to speak my mind. But the reality is, on the issues that make up our agenda, we have more common ground than disagreement.

For me, it’s a question of how to move ahead on the ideas that I—and my House colleagues—have invested so much in through the years. It’s not just a choice of two people, but of two visions for America. And House Republicans are helping shape that Republican vision by offering a bold policy agenda, by offering a better way ahead.

Donald Trump can help us make it a reality.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/601500/donald-trump-and-paul-ryan-will-you-two-please-just-have-sex-and-get-it-over-with"></a>[/wonkbar]OH, what a long strange trip it has been! First, Paul Ryan was sure Trump was a jerk, and a very racist jerk at that. For his part, Trump was ready to give Ryan the boot as Speaker of The House! But, as Trump edged closer to clinching the nomination, Ryan found his cold, cold heart starting to melt a little, and the obvious will-they-or-won't-they Joey and Pacey-style sexual tension was nothing if not PALPABLE.

And now here we are, with Ross and Rachel finally making a real go of it and trying to work stuff out, for the good of the party! Will it last? Will Ryan be able to tame Trump's wild heart? We do not know. All we do know is that it really is a beautiful thing that these two entirely reprehensible human beings have finally found each other at long last.

[GazetteXtra]

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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