Paul Ryan Gets Cucked By Priest
Lord, let me get out of here in one piece!
HOSANNA! Paul Ryan has called off the Protestant Reformation in the House of Representatives. Yesterday, Reverend Patrick Conroy un-resigned his position as House Chaplain. And Paul Ryan, the "political Wunderkind" who just got cucked by a priest, un-accepted the previous resignation and retired to the cloakroom for several thousand Hail Marys.
It all started on April 13, when alpha male Paul Ryan dispatched his Chief of Staff Jonathan Burks to demand that the chaplain resign. He'd never complained about Conroy's work, but months prior, the priest had offered a prayer that the tax burden not fall entirely on the poor.
"Burn him for a heretic," Ryan whispered to his chief of staff. For Paul Ryan possesses that rare combination of leadership skills and integrity so lacking in America's sissified men these days.
Excerpt from Conroy's unresignation letter.
House Catholics' suspicion that Conroy was being pushed out to make room for some prosperity gospel, ham-and-mayo Protestant was confirmed when Rep. Mark Walker (R-Baptistan) told reporters,
I’m looking for somebody who has a little age, that has adult children, that kind of can connect with the bulk of the body here, Republicans and Democrats who are going through, back home the wife, the family.
Walker might as well have shouted, "NO WEIRDASS CELIBATE CATHOLICS NEED APPLY. ALSO NO WOMEN CLERICS."
(Although the American Family Association seems to have convinced itself that Conroy was a gaymosexual with a husband. Stay in school, kids!)
House Catholics lost their shit, with New York Congressman Peter King leading the Crusade.
To be the first House chaplain to be removed in the history of Congress, in the middle of a term, raises serious questions. [...] I think we deserve more of an explanation of why. Was there political pressure?
Far be it from us to question the political acumen of a Catholic Speaker of the House who manages to spark a revolt among House Catholics, but faced with growing anger in his own caucus and threats of litigation by Conroy, Ryan blinked.
I have accepted Father Conroy’s letter and decided that he will remain in his position as Chaplain of the House. My original decision was made in what I believed to be the best interest of this institution. To be clear, that decision was based on my duty to ensure that the House has the kind of pastoral services that it deserves. It is my job as speaker to do what is best for this body, and I know that this body is not well served by a protracted fight over such an important post. I intend to sit down with Father Conroy early next week so that we can move forward for the good of the whole House.
Simmer down, Eddie Munster. You lost this round, and your own caucus is about to shiv you on the way out the door. What you need to do now is PRAY!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.