Lord, let me get out of here in one piece!

HOSANNA! Paul Ryan has called off the Protestant Reformation in the House of Representatives. Yesterday, Reverend Patrick Conroy un-resigned his position as House Chaplain. And Paul Ryan, the "political Wunderkind" who just got cucked by a priest, un-accepted the previous resignation and retired to the cloakroom for several thousand Hail Marys.

It all started on April 13, when alpha male Paul Ryan dispatched his Chief of Staff Jonathan Burks to demand that the chaplain resign. He'd never complained about Conroy's work, but months prior, the priest had offered a prayer that the tax burden not fall entirely on the poor.

"Burn him for a heretic," Ryan whispered to his chief of staff. For Paul Ryan possesses that rare combination of leadership skills and integrity so lacking in America's sissified men these days.

Excerpt from Conroy's unresignation letter.

House Catholics' suspicion that Conroy was being pushed out to make room for some prosperity gospel, ham-and-mayo Protestant was confirmed when Rep. Mark Walker (R-Baptistan) told reporters,

I’m looking for somebody who has a little age, that has adult children, that kind of can connect with the bulk of the body here, Republicans and Democrats who are going through, back home the wife, the family.


(Although the American Family Association seems to have convinced itself that Conroy was a gaymosexual with a husband. Stay in school, kids!)

House Catholics lost their shit, with New York Congressman Peter King leading the Crusade.

To be the first House chaplain to be removed in the history of Congress, in the middle of a term, raises serious questions. [...] I think we deserve more of an explanation of why. Was there political pressure?

Far be it from us to question the political acumen of a Catholic Speaker of the House who manages to spark a revolt among House Catholics, but faced with growing anger in his own caucus and threats of litigation by Conroy, Ryan blinked.

I have accepted Father Conroy’s letter and decided that he will remain in his position as Chaplain of the House. My original decision was made in what I believed to be the best interest of this institution. To be clear, that decision was based on my duty to ensure that the House has the kind of pastoral services that it deserves. It is my job as speaker to do what is best for this body, and I know that this body is not well served by a protracted fight over such an important post. I intend to sit down with Father Conroy early next week so that we can move forward for the good of the whole House.

Simmer down, Eddie Munster. You lost this round, and your own caucus is about to shiv you on the way out the door. What you need to do now is PRAY!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to fund us! We'll be here all weekend for BREAKING!

[Conroy Unresignation Letter / Ryan Statement / The Hill]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

Donate with CC
Screenshot NRATV

DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC
Photo by Dominic Gwinn

With the first Democratic debate coming up tonight (join us here for livebloog, dummies!), Elizabeth Warren is out with yet another policy proposal, this time to guarantee that all Americans have the easiest possible access to voting in federal elections. A good bit of it overlaps with the House Democrats' proposal, earlier this year, to guarantee voting rights. But Warren goes even beyond that ambitious plan a bit, because she is a badass who wants elections to be fair and free from computer hacking -- and from less exotic forms of fuckery. Needless to say, her insistence that all Americans should be able to vote will be decried as some kind of power grab, because that's what it is: a plan to grab power away from the Republicans who have engineered electoral advantages well beyond their actual support among Americans. You can see the bumper stickers now: FAIRNESS ISN'T FAIR.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc