He's prayed on this!

Sure you knew that Republicans would be absolute crap at governing. But who knew it would be this bad? Paul Ryan has managed to kick himself in the crotch in spectacular fashion after he fired Rev. Patrick J. Conroy, the well-loved House chaplain. He even managed to stick the landing by uniting Catholics from both sides of the aisle in outrage. Snaps for Paul Ryan! Your priest must be proud, dude!

As leader of the Party of Personal Responsibility, Paul Ryan knows who is to blame for Conroy getting fired. That's right, it's Nancy Pelosi! Ryan's spokeswoman AshLee Strong said yesterday,

While it was the speaker’s decision, [Pelosi] and her office were fully read in, and did not object.

Gosh, what will Republicans do without Ryan's natural leadership skills when he slinks off back to Wisconsin to meet his kids and collect wingnut welfare?


Apparently, the Reverend took that Bible stuff about loving the poor a little too seriously. When Republicans were passing their massive tax giveaway to the rich, Conroy pissed off Ryan by leading the House in this prayer November 6.

May all members be mindful that the institutions and structures of our great nation guarantee the opportunities that have allowed some to achieve great success, while others continue to struggle. May their efforts these days guarantee that there are not winners and losers under new tax laws, but benefits balanced and shared by all Americans.

After which Conroy was approached by Ryan who said, "Padre, you just got to stay out of politics."

That is an actual quote, lest you thought we were joshing, which was silly on your part, since we clearly don't need to make up quotes for Paul Ryan.

And should there be any confusion that Conroy got the axe for loving the poor when Republicans are busy trying to screw them, Ryan told NBC's Ron Harwood,

Because if you give poor people a proportionally greater tax cut than millionaires, then the terrorists win. Also, BERNIE SANDERS! But we repeat ourselves.

And Congressman Walker said, 'HOLD MY BEER!'

As a member of the committee searching for Conroy's replacement, North Carolina Republican Mark Walker has thoughts. Thoughts he's probably wishing he'd kept to himself instead of blabbing to reporters yesterday.

I’m looking for somebody who has a little age, that has adult children, that kind of can connect with the bulk of the body here, Republicans and Democrats who are going through, back home the wife, the family.

You want someone with a wife and kids who can understand you? So, like an imam?

Oh, we are silly on Fridays! In fact, conservatives were reportedly very sad in their Christian hearts that Conroy, a Jesuit, allowed Imam Abdullah Antepli to deliver the opening prayer in October.

The next chaplain should be a man who flies home every Friday for Karen's famous pot roast with raisins, followed by a session of matrimonial conjugation. Missionary style, in the dark, as Jesus commanded. In other words, those weirdass celibate Catholics need not apply!

Really, Congressman? Is that really what you meant to say?

I’m probably looking for somebody more of a non-denominational background, that has a multicultural congregation.

Alrighty then!

Democrat Gerry Connolly replied,

We, on its face, would consider such a remark to be anti-Catholic — on its face. So you’re eliminating anyone who’s a Catholic priest — a Catholic nun — from being the chaplain of the House. The largest denomination in the country.

Reporters are eagerly awaiting word from Paul Ryan on how this is all Nancy Pelosi's fault.

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to buy us a pot roast without raisins, for such mixing is an abomination! Thus saith Wonkette! Amen.

[WaPo / The Hill / Slate / NYT]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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