Paul Ryan Shutting Down Government For Christmas, Old Times' Sake, And Sad Lack Of Balls

Those fuckin' idiots are actually gonna do it! They're really going to shut the government down over $5 billion for Donald Trump's stupid Fuck You Mexico Wall. Turns out that dumbass GoFundMe stunt by the MAGA mouthbreathers only raised like eighty bucks, SAD! And we're sure it's no consolation to the government workers whose paychecks will be delayed, but JFC the Republicans could not have played this one worse.

House Speaker Paul Ryan got tired of waiting for his balls to drop and decided to take his lifetime pension and healthcare and head on home to Janesville. All he had to do before leaving town was kick the government funding mess down the road with a Continuing Resolution (CR), so that shit sandwich would land on Nancy Pelosi's plate instead of his. Just put it off until February 8, and hope that people will have forgotten by then that Trump explicitly slapped a tacky-ass gold TRUMP sign on the impending shutdown.

That was a fun day! Remember Trump trying to mansplain to Nancy Pelosi that he totally had the votes for his dumbass WALL in the House? And then she kicked him in the dick and marched out of there in her red coat like that scene from Reservoir Dogs?

Nancy Pelosi's on the track of a little green bag, all right. And she's gonna fill it with sad GOP tears! Because after a week of dicking around while Our Fearless Leader tweeted variously that the wall was already built, that Mexico was already paying for it through the un-ratified NAFTA 2.0, that the military would build it, that he would find the $5 billion in other departments, that it was going to be beautiful steel slats, and that CBP had successfully thwarted the scary caravan and the danger had passed, Donald Trump has finally decided that he won't sign a CR that doesn't include WALL.

And perhaps there was a point somewhere at the beginning of December when he could have traded something to get 60 votes in the Senate for his stupid $5 billion, thus overcoming the filibuster margin. But if that day ever existed, it's a tiny speck in the rearview now. Most Senators have gone home for the holidays, and McConnell passed the CR last night on a voice vote with no extra wallbucks at all. Everyone assumed the House would pass it, Trump would sign, and they could all fuck off to Mar-a-Lago or the hinterlands to pretend to spend time with their families.

But then Ann Coulter said mean words about Donald Trump.

(Hardest of passes on that one!)

And Rush Limbaugh said mean words about Donald Trump.


Even the Curvy Couch Capitalist Coven was tut tutting at Trump getting beaten by A GIRL.

How could the leader of the free world withstand that kind of bullying? Especially when guys like Mark Meadows started calling him a limpdick: "It's not a punt. A punt actually helps ...This is a fumble, and we need to make sure the president stays firm."

So Trump called Rush Limbaugh up and said, "Thank you for telling me how to run the country, Mister Real President." (More or less.) Then he called up Paul Ryan this afternoon and said he won't sign shit without all the wall moneys.

And instead of being a man for once in his miserable, wasted life, Ryan caved like the sniveling little fraud he's always been. He's not bringing a bill to the floor that would easily pass with 300 votes on a bipartisan basis. He's giving in to the dipshits in his own caucus like Paul "I Get Body Language Because I'm A Dentist" Gosar and scrabbling around to make a new bill that cannot pass the Senate. Which will make a nice final chapter for his Dear Diary Vlog -- Shutdown: I Ate the Shit Sandwich, Like Always.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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