Donate

Those fuckin' idiots are actually gonna do it! They're really going to shut the government down over $5 billion for Donald Trump's stupid Fuck You Mexico Wall. Turns out that dumbass GoFundMe stunt by the MAGA mouthbreathers only raised like eighty bucks, SAD! And we're sure it's no consolation to the government workers whose paychecks will be delayed, but JFC the Republicans could not have played this one worse.

House Speaker Paul Ryan got tired of waiting for his balls to drop and decided to take his lifetime pension and healthcare and head on home to Janesville. All he had to do before leaving town was kick the government funding mess down the road with a Continuing Resolution (CR), so that shit sandwich would land on Nancy Pelosi's plate instead of his. Just put it off until February 8, and hope that people will have forgotten by then that Trump explicitly slapped a tacky-ass gold TRUMP sign on the impending shutdown.


That was a fun day! Remember Trump trying to mansplain to Nancy Pelosi that he totally had the votes for his dumbass WALL in the House? And then she kicked him in the dick and marched out of there in her red coat like that scene from Reservoir Dogs?

Nancy Pelosi's on the track of a little green bag, all right. And she's gonna fill it with sad GOP tears! Because after a week of dicking around while Our Fearless Leader tweeted variously that the wall was already built, that Mexico was already paying for it through the un-ratified NAFTA 2.0, that the military would build it, that he would find the $5 billion in other departments, that it was going to be beautiful steel slats, and that CBP had successfully thwarted the scary caravan and the danger had passed, Donald Trump has finally decided that he won't sign a CR that doesn't include WALL.

And perhaps there was a point somewhere at the beginning of December when he could have traded something to get 60 votes in the Senate for his stupid $5 billion, thus overcoming the filibuster margin. But if that day ever existed, it's a tiny speck in the rearview now. Most Senators have gone home for the holidays, and McConnell passed the CR last night on a voice vote with no extra wallbucks at all. Everyone assumed the House would pass it, Trump would sign, and they could all fuck off to Mar-a-Lago or the hinterlands to pretend to spend time with their families.

But then Ann Coulter said mean words about Donald Trump.

(Hardest of passes on that one!)

And Rush Limbaugh said mean words about Donald Trump.

TRUMP GETS NOTHING FOR THE WALL !!!! Said Rush Limbaugh www.youtube.com

Even the Curvy Couch Capitalist Coven was tut tutting at Trump getting beaten by A GIRL.

How could the leader of the free world withstand that kind of bullying? Especially when guys like Mark Meadows started calling him a limpdick: "It's not a punt. A punt actually helps ...This is a fumble, and we need to make sure the president stays firm."

So Trump called Rush Limbaugh up and said, "Thank you for telling me how to run the country, Mister Real President." (More or less.) Then he called up Paul Ryan this afternoon and said he won't sign shit without all the wall moneys.

And instead of being a man for once in his miserable, wasted life, Ryan caved like the sniveling little fraud he's always been. He's not bringing a bill to the floor that would easily pass with 300 votes on a bipartisan basis. He's giving in to the dipshits in his own caucus like Paul "I Get Body Language Because I'm A Dentist" Gosar and scrabbling around to make a new bill that cannot pass the Senate. Which will make a nice final chapter for his Dear Diary Vlog -- Shutdown: I Ate the Shit Sandwich, Like Always.

SLOW. FUCKING. CLAP.

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to fund your Wonkette, so we don't ever have a shut down. Thanks, Wonkers!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

$
Donate with CC
'Bella" by Wonkette Operative 'IdiokraticSubpoenaKommissar'

Sunday already, which means a substantial portion of US America is preparing to be astonished/heartbroken/outraged by the series finale of that show with the dragons, while another portion is just going to stay off Twitter for three days because nothing will make any sense. Yr Dok Zoom tends to come very late to trendy things, so get ready for our own thoughts on the gamy thrones show sometime in about 2023, or never. But we'd be glad to tell you just how much we enjoy the brilliance and humanity of the Cartoon Network series "Steven Universe," which debuted in 2013 and we started bingeing on the Hulu last month, late again.

Hell, we still want to talk about that one Mrs Landingham episode of "The West Wing," which we first watched years after it aired (We finally bought our new used car yesterday, and know one thing: don't drive over to the White House to show it off to President Bartlet). We might even get around to reading Infinite Jest someday. We hear it has something to do with a superhero team and a guy named Thanos. So hey, let's talk about culture and missing out and patching together some knowledge of what's happening anyway.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Get Me Roger Stone

Roger Stone, his wife would like you to know, is broke. And he is not dealing with it well. Once in khaki suits, gee, he looked swell, full of that yankee-doodle-dee-dum, but now no one calls him Al anymore and he has to stand on a street corner singing "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?"

Yesterday, the conservative but also kind of Never Trumper site The Bulwark revealed the details of a grifty "fundraising" plea sent out by Stone's wife Nydia, begging supporters to give money to the Stones in order to help them keep up the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.

It was titled "I am embarrassed to write this."

"Dear Friend," begins the missive. "My husband and I have an urgent new problem and we need your help. I told my husband I was going to write you, one of his most valued supporters. I am embarrassed to write this, but I must."

"Mrs. Roger Stone" tells a tale of woe: FBI agents swooping in on them at the crack of dawn to arrest her husband, a subsequent "fake news" feeding frenzy causing friends and fans to abandon the Stones.

"He laid off all our consultants, contractors and employees, and we have 'pulled in our belts' like so many Americans in 'tight times,'" she wrote, sounding for all the world like a plucky working-class patriot, not the wife of a man who made and lost his fortune lying in the service of power.

She should have been more embarrassed.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc