Pay Up Trump: You Owe Liz Warren $1 Million Of Your Daddy's Money
There's plenty of speculation that Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts (by way of Oklahoma) is planning a presidential run in 2020. She's sent staffers to all four early primary states, and perhaps more importantly, she's provided proof of ancestry to appease Donald Trump.
The president, who charmingly calls Warren "Pocahontas," has repeatedly taunted the senator for her claims of Native American heritage. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders has argued with what passes for a straight face that this isn't Trump being his usual racist self but is actually pointed political satire because of the unfounded theory that Warren Rachel Dolezal-ed her way to fame and fortune. Conservatives apparently think being a minority is such a cake walk that unscrupulous people can't help but take advantage of our exalted status in society. Anyway, Warren has had enough of this foolishness and is delivering receipts.
Carlos Bustamante, a professor of genetics at Stanford, performed an analysis on Warren that backs up her family folklore. The report estimates that Warren had a Native American ancestor an estimated eight generations ago (give or take two generations). Conspiracy theorists at FOX needn't worry the analysis wasn't on the up and up. Bustamante didn't know Warren's identity when fiddling with her DNA. I think she probably used the pseudonym "Tigerlily"?
Warren released a video Monday revealing the results. Although Obama expressed mild annoyance in 2011 that Trump's birther nonsense had "distracted" the country from more important matters, Warren doesn't shy away from calling out Trump for the repulsive racist he is. She's damn mad that Trump basically called her mother a liar. She's pissed off that her impeccable professional credentials were questioned. And she's flat-out furious that she's had to endure these petty insults from a man, to quote Diane Chambers from "Cheers," with the "morals of a rutting sea elephant and the intelligence of lint."
Warren's video announcement, complete with Ken Burns banjo, is what I expect to see from someone who aspires to electorally bludgeon Trump in 2020. Democrats collectively need to be like Bruce Wayne plotting his escape from Bane's prison in The Dark Knight Rises -- unleashing our anger but also embracing our fear that Trump could remain in power and what that means for
Gotham the country. While Chuck Schumer is making deals with Mitch McConnell, Warren is doing sit-ups and getting ready for the rematch.
Trump, at one of his recent hate rallies, boasted that he'd "give you a million dollars to your favorite charity, paid for by Trump, if you take the test and it shows you're an Indian." (He then described how they'd conduct the test in the most disgustingly rapey way imaginable.)
Warren is not just a tough cookie but she's also smart enough not to expect any oversized checks coming her way from the Trump Foundation. Monday morning, Trump denied ever saying anything so silly. Where would he even get a million dollars? Does he look like George Soros? Besides, where's the long-form DNA test? Someone "extremely credible" has already called Trump and claimed the whole thing is a fake.
Trump suggested that we "read it again," as if "it" was one of many written contracts he'd renege on. But there's actual video of Trump offering Warren the million way back in the distant past of this summer. Trump supporters ate it up because it was classic bully Trump, and they'll likely love Trump stiffing Warren even more because that'll "own" a lib. It's like these people are, I dunno, deplorable.
I also wouldn't stake a million on Trump no longer calling Warren "Pocahontas," or I guess I would if I were Trump because I just wouldn't pay up. Trump claims with all his vainglorious bluster that Warren would be "easy" to beat in 2020, but that's a wager no one should be foolish enough to take.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.