Pelosi Will Tolerate Trump's Dumb Ass In Her House For One Night Only
There was a brief, shining moment when it seemed like Nancy Pelosi had cancelled this year's State of the Union address. However, the House Speaker can't solve all our problems -- just delay a few of them. Donald Trump will force everyone to remember he's president tonight and it will be terrible. He's even pre-empting "This Is Us." That's the kind of fiend we're dealing with.
Some critics of the State of the Union think Trump's unpredictability can liven up something that's often dull and uneventful. They probably also think Cats would improve if you cast Trump in all the parts. Besides, we're not getting unscripted, racist rally Trump. This is the State of the Damn Union, so we should expect sober, presidential, teleprompter-reading racist Trump.
If you literally have nothing better to do and aren't being paid to watch like some of us, here's some wild mass guesses about what you should expect to see tonight.
Trump Will Be Petty AF
Speaker Pelosi humiliated Trump in front of his evil, racist supporters. We expect he holds a grudge. Normally, when there's a new speaker sitting behind them, the president usually takes a moment to say something nice because they're a mammal. George W. Bush declared it his "distinct honor" to be the first president to say "Madam Speaker." Barack Obama made John Boehner cry. God knows what Trump will do. He'll probably call for Pelosi's immediate arrest and prosecution.
Trump is expected to lie a lot about abortion. He will also lie about the "crisis" of illegal immigration and the pressing need for WALL. Republicans are begging Trump not to use the State of the Union to declare a "national WALL emergency," so he'll probably do it anyway and they'll line up to defend him because they're sycophantic weasels.
The president has invited some private citizens to sit with First Lady Melanie Trump and watch his speech. They'll serve as human footnotes to his propaganda. Among the lucky 13 guests are the first prisoner freed as a result of the bipartisan First Step Act that Trump signed and the woman whose life sentence Trump commuted because a reality TV star asked him nicely. There's also Joshua Trump, a Delaware sixth grader who says he's the victim of relentless bullying because of his last name.
"Trump" is not the worst political name to have. We recall the jokes about "Dukakis" and "Bush" back in high school. They even found ways to make "Clinton" sound dirty, but we were in college at that point and everyone was well-educated. Look, we would never make light of bullying. It's just telling that the Trumps wouldn't also include any number of Muslim, LGBT, or immigrant schoolchildren whose lives have worsened during this administration. They could at least try to make the statement that they don't want anyone bullied in their name. Instead, they'll focus on those bullied who literally share their name. It's standard conservative gaslighting to pretend that the only intolerance in the world comes from the left.
Democrats Will Troll Trump
They won't shout, "You lie!" at the president like SC Rep. Joe Wilson, because every other word Trump says is a lie. They'd wind up with laryngitis. They will simply remind those of you watching at home that Trump recently shut down the government and screwed over federal employees who do not identify as "people of means." They'll be back in the bread lines if Trump closes shop again on February 15. Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen's guest is Lila Johnson, a grandmother and cleaning services contractor who is currently ineligible for back pay from Trump's tantrum.
Democrats will also subtly point out that Trump and his Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen are heartless monsters who torture and sometimes "accidentally" kill migrant children. New York Rep. Adriano Espaillat and Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley have invited Guatemalan mothers Yeni Gonzalez Garcia and Albertina Contreras Teleto, who were separated from their children for a lengthy period after seeking asylum in the US. Merkley will also host Albertina's 12-year-old daughter, who was locked up for a while in a Trump-brand kiddie jail. On the upside, no one made fun of her last name.
There Are Much Better People To Watch Than Trump
Stacey Abrams, former candidate for Georgia governor, will give the Democrats' official rebuttal to Trump's inevitably shameful speech. She's scheduled to go on immediately after the president, so around 9:55 p.m. ET. We predict she'll be awesome.
California Senator Kamala Harris will give a prebuttal on Facebook Live at 7:45 p.m. ET. Trump will be surrounded by two strong black women. It's his worst nightmare.
What If I'm Stupid And Really Want To Watch Trump's Speech Live?
What If I'm Smart And Prefer To Read Wonkette's State of the Union Live Blog Instead?
Then show up at
7:30 p.m. ET for the pre-prebuttal to Harris's prebuttal. EDIT: We did not think this through. We are BURNT. We'll see you for that fucking idiot Trump at 9.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.