Pelosi Totally Chill With Sending Trump's Gangster Kids To Jail
During the second presidential debate in 2016, Hillary was asked to say something nice about Donald Trump. This was just a few days after the release of the "Access Hollywood" tape so you have an idea of how off-the-rails that whole election was. Her opponent is caught on tape boasting of sexual assault and Hillary gets the "stump the band" question. She gave what she probably thought was a polite answer.
CLINTON: I respect his children. His children are incredibly able and devoted, and I think that says a lot about Donald.
Yeah, none of that is correct. We give a perpetual pass to Barron, who's a kid, and Tiffany, who Trump himself forgets half the time, but Trump's three eldest children are a bunch of Marie Antoinette, Patrick Bateman, fake-charity-running sociopaths. This is why we were shocked to read reports that some Democrats were nervous about pursuing the leading members of the Trump crime family.
"Getting to family members I think is dangerous," said Rep. Gerry Connolly (D-Va.), a senior member of the House Oversight and Reform Committee. "Only because it gets real personal, real fast. And it risks backfiring.
"Maybe at some point we have to call them in," Connolly added, "but I'd rather let prosecutors look at that."
Republicans would've investigated Chelsea Clinton for overdue library books, but Democrats are concerned about the "optics" of investigating Trump's kids like the common criminals they probably are. Kirstjen Nielsen could testify to the psychological trauma the government would cause if it separated Ivanka Trump from her walk-in closets.
Fortunately, Head Lady In Charge Nancy Pelosi has RVSPed a firm "no" to this pity party. She even scribbled "are you kidding me?" on the back of the invite. No one is going after the Trump children as a personal attack against the tweeter in chief. That's just ridiculous.
PELOSI: They are advisers to the president. They have security clearance. This is not [Trump's] children at home.
She pointed out for the dumb people in the back that any investigation into his moron offspring would result from reliable allegations that they have "violated the law or ethical norms," which we're fairly sure they're doing right now as you read this.
We learned recently that Donald Jr. signed a couple checks reimbursing Michael Cohen for allegedly helping cover up his father's affair. Family values! Pelosi's comment about "security clearance" is also masterful shade: It was revealed this week that Trump ordered his staff to give Ivanka and her first husband top secret access against the recommendations of anyone with a brain stem. Ivanka lied about this on television as recently as last month, which probably violated at least a few ethical norms.
Sure, it's possible Ivanka was unaware of her father's intervention on her behalf. She might've gone her whole life believing whatever she wants to happen just magically happens for her. She's a true "self-made" woman like Kylie Jenner. If so, she should go to jail for that alone.
PELOSI: [House Democrats] are investigating certain subjects. Whoever falls into that net, falls into the net.
Dang, Trump's children are big dumb fish that Pelosi will catch and never release. She's not even worried about political fallout. Who wouldn't want to see Donald Jr. in striped pajamas? Still, there's no need yet for the Trump children to wet their beds. If Paul Manafort's sentencing yesterday is any precedent, the worst-case scenario for the Trump kids will just having them staying after school and cleaning the erasers.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.