People Can't Figure Out This Brain Test. Tabs, Wed., Sept. 9, 2020
For when you need more "struck by lightning" in your life:
Price to have President Heresy personally blaspheme a Holy Bible: $37,500. (Moments in Time)
Jesus gon' fuck you up.
Oh, what's that, Bible author Trump? The DOJ is going to be your rape case defense lawyer now? We mean more than usual?
In a court filing Tuesday, the Justice Department said Trump was acting "within the scope" of his job as president when he said Carroll lied about the incident, prompting her lawsuit.
I ... I don't know if I buy 260,000 coronavirus cases from Sturgis so far. (I certainly buy that it WILL BE.) I know it's more than "263," which is what Republican-led health departments are claiming despite a 3000-case spike, a week after Sturgis ended, in South Dakota alone. Oh wait, now I have to go scream though:
In a press briefing earlier today, the South Dakota Department of Health cast doubt on these numbers, noting that just 124 state residents who tested positive for COVID-19 had reported attending the rally. "The results do not align with what we know of the impacts of the rally among attendees in the state of South Dakota," state epidemiologist Joshua Clayton said when asked about the new study.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A STATE EPIDEMIOLOGIST IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOU CAN BE INFECTED BY SOMEBODY WHO WENT EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T WENT. (Buzzfeed)
Sorry, still not over this. Remember the story I have told you before of the stupid true murder show about the terrible idiot cops who never solved the girl's murder, even after a guy was caught raping and killing a girl in the same place, because the cops had imprinted like baby chicks on the party the girl had been walking home from, and on how they had checked the actual murderer out AFTER FINDING HIM RAPING AND KILLING A GIRL, but it couldn't have been him because he "wasn't at the party." SPOILER TWENTY YEARS LATER a young not idiot opened the cold case file, saw the CLIPPING ABOUT THE GUY, and decided "wasn't at the party" wasn't actually an alibi, anyway SHY SOUTH DAKOTA IS SAYING THE PEOPLE WHO GOT INFECTED WEREN'T AT THE PARTY.
My god this fucking country. No, no link, just that.
Georgia secretary of state is investigating YOU yes YOU for double voting because you knew what you were doing, even though apparently y'all told the poll workers you'd voted absentee and then weren't sure your ballot was received and then presumably you cast a provisional ballot where they put it in an envelope to the side to make sure whether your vote should count or not AND Trump told everyone last week to do that anyway but YES FOR SURE LOOK AT THIS EVIL EVIL VOTE FRAUD. Fuck you. (AJC)
Los Angeles police and sheriffs still wilding. Even if you have to skip the rest for your own sake, read the very end. (Guardian)
A large-scale analysis of racial disparities in police stops across the United States. A hundred million traffic stops. That IS a large-scale analysis! And guess what they found. No, really, guess. (Nature)
What's the deal with the armed militia vigilantes? You know what their deal is, or I hope you do, because this is good, BUT IT'S LONG. — NBC News
You know, the toll booths.
Trump makes stuff up: "Mexico is paying for the wall, just so you understand. They don't say that. They never say i… https://t.co/QsF7kAfPHS— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar)1599607761.0
Michael Cohen says Jerry Falwell Jr.'s endorsement of Trump in 2016 was predicated on covering up his wife's muff pixxx. So chalk that one up to no fucking shit, MICHAEL. — Reuters
Texas restaurants Fuddruckers and Luby’s announce plans to liquidate https://t.co/vIyWdS1Dyt— Dallas Morning News (@Dallas Morning News)1599591961.0
Thom Tillis staffer thinks your cancer and health insurance is a "you" problem, North Carolina! — WRAL
Only a week until Walmart's answer to Amazon! Nobody will get a wink of sleep with all the excitement! (Detroit News)
Which was a tab from this piece on 7 ways our grocery shopping is changing, which is really interesting even though it's from the New York Times.
This is a very funny review of a new Christopher Nolan movie, Tenet (?), which I would not risk my life to see. (New York mag)
10 Easy Ways to Spruce Up Your Home for an Appraisal. I don't know how many of these I'd qualify as "easy," chief, but I guess if you are trying to refinance your house because you can get 2.375 goddamn percent, you should AT LEAST mow your lawn and maybe clean the carpets. (LOL like your four dogs have not shredded the carpets already, and there is anything left to clean.) They really think you're gonna repaint your cabinets for the appraiser guy? Oh we're supposed to do that? AIYEEEEE!
Wonkette is funded ENTIRELY by our readers. We love you!
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.