People In Iowa Still Working, Not Caucusing Yet

Aw, baby needs to get some sleepSo, these caucus thingies, unlike primaries, don't go on all day and don't even start until 6:30, which means that the 24 hour cable news networks are forced to either totally fill time with bullshit about the elections (not that we know anything about that) or talk about other things most of the time. Who does which? We break it down.


MSNBC: Wall-to-wall Iowa coverage. Sadly, though, they're interviewing candidate surrogates like Senator Lindsey Graham for McCain and the horrifying Terry "Enormous Head" McAuliffe for Hillary and tons and tons of other reporters. Repeating themes include that the weather sucks and no one knows who is going to win. McAuliffe, though, wins hands down the award for the most absurd statement of the day for promising that Hillary will, immediately upon taking office, get everyone universal health care, end global warming and our dependence on foreign oil, pull the troops out of Iraq, bring Republicans and Democrats together, make lions lie down with lambs, end human suffering and make the sun shine almost all the time.

CNN: They had Ali Velshi cover live the moment when Light Sweet Crude hit $100/barrel. Also, it's cold in Florida. And other stuff is going on in the world. Their annoying full coverage of nothing starts tonight.

Fox News: They're calling college kids in Iowa "Virgin Voters." Also, the Obama girl has a new video because the word virgin must closely be followed by an image of a hot chick. People spent a lot of money in Iowa. Oil sort of expensive, but Hillary spent a lot of money in Iowa! And Bush is going to the Middle East and will fix everything. Oh, and it's winter.

In effect, Iowans are doing normal Iowa things, Hillary is resting the voice she lost yesterday (so no Dean screams for her tonight), and there might actually be other stuff going on in the world but who a bunch of Iowans think is cool is way more important, obviously. And it's cold.

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