Perfect Christian 'Ex-Lesbian' Says Coronavirus A Blessing From Jesus, Because Here's Why

Rosaria Butterfield

We have been waiting all week to introduce you to an amazing new inspirational Christian lady named Rosaria Champagne Butterfield, of whom we have never heard! We don't think she has ever been in the august pages of Wonkette, which is a shame, because she has a story to tell us, both about her life, and about what a blessing coronavirus really is.

First, Her Life!

Rosaria Champagne Butterfield is married to a wingnut Presbyterian pastor named Kent Butterfield, and they live in Durham, North Carolina, where she is a homeschool mom, naturally. But long ago, in a different life, Rosaria Champagne Butterfield was ROSARIA CHAMPAGNE LESBIAN! According to her bio, she taught English at Syracuse University, and she was "lured" into LESBIAN by the feminists and the LGBTs. But then she met a Promise Keeper -- you know, those guys who crowd into stadiums and touch each other with Jesus, for the sake of heterosexual manhood -- and one thing led to another, she gave her life to the baby Jesus, she is cured of LESBIAN, and now she loves dogs and coffee, but not like LESBIANS love dogs and coffee.

Over at the Friendly Atheist, Beth Stoneburner tells us that Rosaria Champagne Butterfield nee LESBIAN, who is obviously very anti-gay now, obviously, recommends that you talk to the homosexuals like they have the cancer. Which ... does she mean we should ask the homosexuals if we can bring them a casserole? And are they comfortable in that chair, or do they need another pillow? So many questions!

Anyway, OK, Rosaria Champagne Butterfield has thoughts on the coronavirus, and how it is a blessing. (100,000 dead in America, confirmed.) Don't worry, she's not crazy, there is a backstory.

You see, Rosaria and her non-lesbian husband Kent started with their church in 2012. Again, in Durham, which if you are not aware, is VERY LIB. They live close to a lib college and a lib LGBTQ community center, and they wanted to make friends with the gay homosexual neighbors -- so they could tell them they were going to hell? or offer them casseroles? both at same time? Dunno. But everybody, and she means everybody, told them to fuck off. "We tried barbecues and block parties. Nobody came."


STILL, after all these years, nobody talked to them before the pandemic! Weird, right? And they seem so normal and friendly!

Look how mean their neighbors were to them:

In August, neighbors would ask if our church was LGBTQ affirming, and if not, why we were here. In October, parents would clutch the hands of their costumed-children and cross the street, directing them not to take anything from our hand or even receive our smiles. Finally, a small case of vandalism last year discouraged many of us when someone took permanent marker to a yard sign. The original sign — "Please Curb your Dog" — was defaced to "Please Curb your God."

Yeah, we are just very shocked that a progressive and nice community would cold-shoulder the local "ex-lesbian" anti-gay dicks on the block. (SIDENOTE: As a deeply churched person ourselves, it is always hilarious and astounding to us how these gay-hating bigot types who try to colonize gay neighborhoods think they're fooling people. We have seen it time and time and fucking TIME AGAIN, REDEEMER PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH IN MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE, WE ARE LOOKING AT YOU.)

Anyway, that's mean about the vandalism, we condemn that in the name of Jesus.

But Now, An Answer To Prayer! In The Form Of A Pandemic That's Killed 100,000 People! LOL THANKS GOD!

We're going to let Rosaria Champagne ButterNOTLESBIAN take over some more of the writing, so you can see how we are not fuckin' kiddin':

We continued to pray that the Lord would give our church a reason to be in this neighborhood, and that our neighbors would receive our desire to do them good. Then God answered our prayers by sending COVID-19, and with it, shelter-in laws and severe restrictions against assembling in groups for any reason.


How could COVID-19 be an answer to our prayer for opportunities to love our neighbors?

'Cause y'all are dicks with a warped sense of morality owing to your brainwashing?

Let me explain.

Fine. Gonna synopsis this one, though.

Ms. Butterfield and her teenage kid started delivering food for a CSA they've subscribed to forever when the pandemic started, and when they started delivering food to their neighbors, their neighbors suddenly weren't such twats to them, and now so many people are using the food delivery service, they're even using the church to dole out the food. Their neighbors are being nice and they are being nice and they are all praying for each other and everything is great now that they're focusing on feeding the hungry and comforting the afflicted instead of whatever wingnut evangelical "ex-gay" bullshit pipe they've been smoking for the last however many years.

Is That The Spiritual Lesson Rosaria Butterfield Is Taking From This?

LOL fuck off.

It's the one God is teaching, obviously, but dingbat got her Bible upside down again, looks like!

And Now The 'God Hates Fags' Part

Yep, that's the part we are at now!

You see, staying at home all the time sucks, everybody agrees on that. You, a gay liberal heathen, agree with Rosaria Champagne Butterfield, the sanctified "ex-gay" un-lesbian about that. Kum-ba-ya!

But there's another silver lining. Because if Rosaria Butter Not-A-Lesbian has to stay at home, then so do the gays. That's right, a STAY-AT-HOME ORDER is actually a GAY-AT-HOME ORDER, if you think about it!

Have you considered the ramifications that this June will be the first in decades without a public gay pride march?

That Pride will be moved to October, which is the normal time for many places anyway, in warmer climates? Or maybe, at worst, moved to next year, and we'll just pretend 2020 never happened?

Why is this big news?

It's not, but she gon' tell you anyhow.

First, sexual identity depends on an affirming audience who can sway others to its side, using an ideology of personal freedom and victimhood. A virtual platform draws only the faithful, denying them the oxygen that this particular fire needs.

That is ... WHAT? We thought this woman used to be a card-carrying practicing not-just-the-president-but-also-a-client of LESBIAN. How does she ... WHAT?

She thinks gaying requires an audience? And that gays moreover don't know how to get it on Zoom?

Second, without an audience, sexual identity cannot be normalized.

Again ... WHAT? Wow. This alleged "ex-lesbian" has actually bought into the lie that gay pride events are about recruitment, we think. Which is sad, because of how she used to be the Crown Duchess of Lesbian and should know better.

And ... does she think June is the only time we meet in public? Like it's yearly festival like Coachella or something, and the rest of the year, we are preparing for our one big celebration? WHAT?

And she still thinks gaying requires an audience, which is pish-posh.

Are you following any of this at all? Don't worry, we aren't either.

Pssssst, Rosaria Champagne Butterlesbian, if that is even your real name, and it obviously isn't: Your neighbors all still hate you, LGBTQ people are never ever ever going away, and no amount of postponed Pride is going to change that.

Nice that you're delivering food for people, though. Maybe you should actually listen to what the hell God is trying to teach you right now.

Love in Christ,



[Desiring God]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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