Hurry, Hurry, Perfesser Charlie Kirk's Constitution Class Is About To Begin!
Oyez! It's time for ConLaw 101 with noted Perfesser of Teevee Law 'n' Suchlike Charlie Kirk. Don't worry, there's no boring crap like bluebook citation, or precedent, or even "laws" at Turning Points Lawskool. Here, you and your homeschool brethren will enjoy a fast-paced, tweet-based curriculum guaranteed to shut down those sissy elitists with their fancy "degrees" at your next family picnic. Just hand over those credit cards, patriots, and enjoy this premium lawtalkin' content!
Today we'll be covering due process and special rights. First up, where does it say that criminals are entitled to confront their accusers? NOWHERE, THAT'S WHERE. Well, nowhere but in the coastal hellhole of New York, where a bunch of unelected bureaucrats just passed a law saying criminals get to know who's going to testify against them before the trial even starts.
They call it "discovery reform." Which is just more liberal filth! Take it from your perfesser, kids, discovery is a thing that happens at boy scout camp late at night after the fire goes out and the adults go back to their own tents. And the proper reform is LATRINE DUTY, not passing a law encouraging that kind of exploration in the courthouse. What will they think of next!
Perfesser Kirk has engaged in deep scholarship on the history of due process. Not at some ivory tower institution, mind you, but at community college which he attended long enough to research his book Campus Battlefield: How Conservatives Can WIN the Battle on Campus and Why It Matters, before dropping out to "work" in the "real world." And the Founding White Fathers certainly did not intend due process to extend to filthy criminals. They meant it for presidents and Supreme Court Justices ONLY.
And while we're on the subject of SPECIAL RIGHTS, have you heard that the state of Iowa sentenced a man to 15 YEARS in prison for burning a gay pride flag? Liberals want to give you a medal for burning the sacred flag of the United States of America, but they'll take away a man's liberty simply for telling a trans patron at his neighborhood bar that he was going to "burn their pride," walking up the street and snatching a rainbow flag off a church, returning to the bar and dousing the flag with lighter fluid before burning it in the parking lot, and telling the church pastor at the trial, "I'll see you when I get out." But what about free speech and Jussie Smollett getting nominated for a Nobel Prize?
Sure the prosecutors tried to play it off like the defendant was a "habitual offender," and the liberals made sob noises about three-strikes laws being "unjust" and violating "due process." The church even raised money for the defendant's children and tried to get the prosecutor to handle the case through an alternative system of restorative justice. Which isn't even in the Constitution! But obviously this was just an attack on Judeo-Christian people of faith in this holy season of forgiveness.
"It was an honor to do that. It's a blessing from the Lord," the defendant Adolfo Martinez told the police. "I burned down their pride."
Truly, American Christians are the most persecuted people on earth.
Anyway, don't forget to watch Home Alone 2 and read Perfesser Kirk's book for extra credit.
Amen! Class dismissed.
Now you all can have study group in the comments, it's your OPEN THREAD.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.