Person. Woman. Man. BABIES ON SPIKES! MY PILLOW!1!!11!!1!1!!!!!

Time for your weekly news of Miles Taylor, the former (Trump-appointed) chief of staff at the Department of Homeland Security who tells all the secrets! And we are guessing, but not for certain, but we think Taylor might have been a source for some of those leaks to the lamestream media about how the tiny-handed sadist in the White House wanted WALL to be surrounded by moats full of alligators and snakes and whatnot, and topped with spikes, and not just regular spikes, but ELECTRIC spikes.

Taylor told more stories on the Rick Wilson and Molly Jong-Fast podcast "The New Abnormal." The Daily Beast has excerpts, related to the BABIES ON SPIKES thing.

When it came to the border wall, Trump would dream up "sickening" medieval plots "to pierce the flesh" of migrants, rip all the families apart, "maim," and gas them, Taylor claims. "This was a man with no humanity whatsoever," Taylor says. "He says, we got to do this, this, this, and this, all of which are probably impossible, illegal unethical," Taylor recalls, but he was writing them down as the president spoke. "And he looks over me and he goes, 'you fucking taking notes?'"

That's the president of the United States, talking about humans. Children, babies, mommies, daddies. "Maim" them. "Pierce the flesh." Shoot them. In the podcast, Taylor recounted one time when Trump just furiously bitched that the spikes on top of the planned border wall weren't sharp enough. "I want them SO SHARP that I want it to pierce human flesh so it'll go right through their hands or their arms if they try to climb it," Taylor recounts Trump saying.

And yeah, Taylor talked about the alligators and the snakes Trump wanted in the moat, so that's why we're just THINKIN' he might have talked to the press at some point or another.

Point is, if you still think we're exaggerating when we say Trump would go from zero to Hitler in 14 words or less if he ever felt like that's the only way he could retain power, get out of this blog post and go punch yourself in the face until you wake up.

Also, to be clear, when Trump asked "You fucking taking notes?" Taylor explained that Trump was mad, and that he always asks that, because he loathes it when people take notes. Taylor added, "Can you imagine if like your ninth grade English teacher is like expecting you to do well on the test, and says YOU FUCKIN' TAKIN' NOTES RIGHT NOW?" (Remember how mad Trump was at former White House counsel Don McGahn, for taking notes about the crimes he was committing? Trump doesn't like normal lawyers who take copious notes.)

Taylor also spilled more beans about just how stupid and easily distracted Trump is, which is really the only thing preventing him from [SEE JUST ABOVE].

The national security official couldn't get through a meeting "without [Trump] doing 20 tangents, becoming irascible, turning red in the face, demanding a diet Coke, spewing spit," Taylor explained. "Literally out of goddamn nowhere, he'd be like, 'You know, who's just my favorite guy? The MyPillow guy. Do any of you have those pillows?'"

Ohhhhhhh my God. Person. Woman. Man. Camera ... MYPILLOW!!1!11!!!

You need to understand that in the podcast, Taylor actually impersonates Trump, and he does a good Trump impression. "What the ACTUAL fuck is happening?" asks Taylor, describing how he'd be sitting there with Trump, thinking, "What the ACTUAL fuck is happening?"

Y'all might wanna listen to it yourself:

TAYLOR: I've never been so flattered to be called someone's ex than [Donald Trump's.] [...] If I get to be counted among his exes for the rest of my life, it'll be something I put at a minimum in my Twitter bio, but maybe on my tombstone.

So Miles is funny. Actually really funny.

In other Miles Taylor news, we need to tell you that he's still a Republican and he's staying a Republican, so BOO FUCK MILES. (Thoughts and prayers for him on that.) But here's the thing. Taylor is starting a new anti-Trump group called the Republican Political Alliance for Integrity and Reform (REPAIR). And it is definitely about how to reinvent the GOP after Trump is gone, so it's not like he's coming to our dark side. However, NBC News reports a VERY INTERESTING detail about Taylor's new group:

The group is made up of former U.S. officials, advisers and conservatives and organized by ex-Trump administration officials, Taylor said.

Taylor says at least two "senior officials" currently serving in the administration are joining the group, "anonymously at least at the outset," predicting that their presence will "irk" the president.

Currently serving officials? HUH.

This weird election is about to get weirder and maybe even slightly more fun. Maybe.


[Daily Beast / NBC News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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