Peter Strzok Is A Fucking Badass. Let's Liveblog His All-Day Testimony!
FBI agent Peter Strzok, who most people know as the FBI agent who committed the sin of telling his girlfriend Lisa Page that he has opinions sometimes on politics, including opinions unfavorable to our Dearest Leader Donald Trump (and Bernie Sanders and Loretta Lynch and Eric Holder and Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton), will be testifying this morning at 10 AM before a joint hearing of the House Judiciary and Oversight committees. Across the pond, Donald Trump apparently has time between the various tasks Vladimir Putin gave him to do at the NATO summit to be VERY EXCITED about Strzok's testimony:
Oh yes, the ex "FBI LAYER" Lisa Page! More on her later, because she was indeed supposed to testify yesterday, but the House Republicans are dicking her around, just to be dicks.
But back to Strzok! If you watch Fox News, you are probably under the impression that he is the Deep State embodied, that he was the head of a secret cabal at the FBI, a division created just to commit sins against and derail the presidential ambitions of Donald J. Trump, through the dastardly use of text messages. Fox News, the president, and his lesser minions on the internet have been working their asses off to paint Strzok like this. It's important to realize why that is, and why House Republicans insist upon putting Strzok on TV today for a show trial, despite how they already talked to him behind closed doors for over 10 hours last week. (Today's hearing could go longer than that.)
In short, this is the guy who used to run the FBI's counterintelligence unit. He was on Robert Mueller's team, until Mueller found his text messages and fired him. He shows up all over the Department of Justice's IG report on the Hillary Clinton email investigation. He led the team called in to look at Hillary's "new emails" on Anthony Weiner's laptop, and was in a position to make a judgment call on how that was actually not as important right that moment as the growing investigation into whether a hostile foreign power (Russia) was tipping scales to influence our presidential election, and whether the campaign of their chosen boy (Trump) was actively conspiring with them.
Here is a statement from Strzok's lawyer Aitan Goelman to that effect:
Not every FBI investigation is of equal importance to US national security. There is a simply no equivalence between an investigation into the possible mishandling of classified information, a relatively commonplace occurrence in the FBI's Washington field office, and credible evidence suggesting that the presidential campaign of a major party candidate was actively colluding with a hostile foreign power in a way that could undermine the integrity of an American presidential election.
And the choir said, "NO SHIT!"
Indeed, as it turns out, according to his text messages, Peter Strzok is biased ... against the Russians. He texted this while watching the Republican National Convention:
As he watched the Republican National Convention and scanned intelligence reports and news stories, he made clear how he felt about his new target: "f*ck the cheating motherf*cking Russians," he texted in late July. "Bastards. I hate them."
"I think they're probably the worst," texted Mr. Strzok, who had spent years tracking Russian spies and was familiar with their tactics. "F*cking conniving cheating savages. At statecraft, athletics, you name it. I'm glad I'm on Team USA."
On Wednesday night, Rachel Maddow had a VERY LONG "A" BLOCK that you really should watch to get a sense of who this Peter Strzok guy is. (Surprise, it's not the same as the Trump/GOP/Fox News caricature!) Have you seen popular TV show "The Americans"? It's based on the true story of the Russian intelligence group Directorate "S" and its "illegals" program, which sent Russian spies into the United States with fake identities and life stories, in order that they may fully assimilate into American culture, lose their accents, and, in essence, become the Mom 'n' Pop spies next door.
In 2010, under the Obama administration, the FBI nabbed a whole fuckton of those "illegals" and sent them back to Russia in a spy swap that included the release of Sergei Skripal from a Russian prison; you will recognize him as the guy Russia tried to poison in the UK earlier this year. The investigation went on for more than 10 years and it was called Operation Ghost Stories. And who ran the investigation into two of the most prominent of those "illegals"? Peter Motherfucking Strzok.
You will want to watch this entire Maddow report:
THAT is who this guy is. THAT is who Trump and the House GOP are trying to paint as some sort of traitor to the republic. THAT GUY.
Did we mention that, despite the dog-and-pony show character of today's hearing, and despite how they refuse to release the transcript of his closed-door testimony so they can instead just leak shit, Strzok really WANTS to do this? Because he does. And today is going to be motherfucking LIT, y'all, especially if Strzok says things like this:
FBI agent Peter Stzrok: In the fall of 2016, I had info that could "derail, and quite possibly, defeat Mr. Trump. B… https://t.co/3BMBHupIvI— Ken Dilanian (@Ken Dilanian)1531399227.0
(Doesn't that kind of debunk the entire GOP/Fox News conspiracy theory right there?)
Or if he says things like this:
A defiant Peter Strzok said the scrutiny he is facing over his anti-Trump text messages amounts to "just another victory notch in Putin's belt," according to the FBI official's remarks prepared to be delivered before House committees Thursday morning. [...]
Strzok will say in his opening statement, obtained by the Associated Press, that he has never allowed personal opinions to affect his work, that he knew information during the campaign that had the potential to damage then-candidate Donald Trump but never contemplated leaking it to the press, and that recent congressional focus on him is misguided and plays into "our enemies' campaign to tear America apart."
Shall we liveblog?
OH YES WE SHALL, LET'S FUCKING DO IT.
Here's your video:
10:20: And here we go! Shit gonna be LIT, y'all.
Wingnut fuckhead Rep. Bob Goodlatte opens with a statement about how little kids grow up wanting to be FBI agents but they don't grow up wanting to be gross biased people like Peter Strzok, and they don't want to be James Comey. Goodlatte, a bastard, says his investigation has "found" those things, because Goodlatte is a liar, and also very dumb.
10:22: Goodlatte says if you think the GOP is full of fucking traitor idiots, you should think of how YOU would feel if Peter Strzok was sexting about YOU and thought YOU were a giant and dangerous moron and said "EFF TRUMP. TRUMP IS A DISASTER." (In this scenario, you are Trump, we guess. Thoughts 'n' prayers on that!)
Goodlatte is of course ignoring how Strzok had mean opinions about ERRBODY. And the only reason we know about them is that House GOP idiots insist on us reading his private texts to Lisa Page.
STFU, Bob Goodlatte.
10:29: Jerrold Nadler is saying lots of really high-minded things about stuff and things, and they are correct and nice, but we really want to get to Strzok's opening statement and then the FIREWORKS. Can we do that?
LOL, Nadler does say that in Strzok's closed testimony, Republicans asked very important questions like "Do you love Lisa Page?" These are elected officials, y'all.
10:33: This guy will sext you, but not if you are a Russian spy conspiring with the Trump campaign. In that case, he will FUCK YOU UP:
Trey Gowdy is now yelling hick words about how Strzok's texts mean he cannot investigate Donald Trump, because if you are a normal patriotic American who correctly identifies Trump as a Manchurian candidate, then you are BIASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Gowdy really doesn't like the one about how Strzok said he could "smell Trump supporters."
Know how sometimes Trey Gowdy is surprisingly and refreshingly smart? This is not one of those days.
Glad that nasty-haired dipshit is quitting Congress, because we are very tired of smelling him.
10:39: And now it is time for an opening statement from Elijah Cummings, who will fuck you up:
10:41: Cummings just cold using the words of Goodlatte and Gowdy against them, like when Gowdy said of Trump, "If you're innocent, ACT LIKE IT," and when Goodlatte said he had "no intentions of interfering with the substantive investigation of Mr. Mueller."
Now he would like to know WHAT THE FUCK HAS CHANGED. Is it because Mueller is getting too close? Is it because his "witch hunt" has uncovered so many fucking witches?
And now Cummings is just listing all the people who have already admitted they're guilty.
10:48: "Peter Strzok, do you swear to tell the truth, and if you sext us, make it SEXXXXXY?"
And now his opening statement begins.
10:49: Strzok says he really regrets that his sexts have become part of the GOP's campaign to do Vladimir Putin's work. HOWEVER:
"Not once [in his entire career]" have his personal political opinions ever affected an investigation, according to Strzok. He says he understands that some people won't believe him, but that's OK. He underscores that the one thing that shows his integrity more than anything is that back in summer of 2016, he knew shit that could "derail or defeat" Donald Trump, but did anybody notice how he didn't leak that? Because he could have done that if his BIASSSSSSS was really infecting the investigation. Guess maybe he is a fucking PROFESSIONAL.
10:53: Strzok says he knows he will be asked questions about the investigation, and that sometimes he won't be able to answer them, per the FBI's instructions. He also says he knows that if he could answer those questions, it would really shit all over the GOP's conspiracy theories. He proceeds to call the entire hearing "another victory notch in Putin's belt," because BUUUUUUUUUURN.
10:57 We are all Peter Strzok, trying not to openly roll our eyes while Trey Gowdy grunts his squirrel breath at us:
10:59: Fucking Bob Goodlatte is ALREADY telling Strzok that if he refuses to answer questions THE FBI HAS INSTRUCTED HIM NOT TO ANSWER, that they will hold him in contempt of Congress and maybe he will even be subject to criminal penalties. It was a question from Gowdy, to be clear, about the beginning of the ONGOING TRUMP-RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
These motherfuckers want to force a showdown in the first five goddamn minutes.
11:04: OH SHIT, GOODLATTE JUST YELLED AT SHEILA JACKSON LEE!
Snarling, sneering motherfucker.
11:05: And now Jerrold Nadler has moved to adjourn the entire hearing and is openly mocking Bob Goodlatte and WE TOLD YOU THIS WOULD BE A SHITSHOW.
11:10: And now we are back to Trey Gowdy's questions about the text messages Peter Strzok was literally sending his girlfriend while he was "lying in bed," because that is very important. He told his girlfriend Trump is a piece of shit! That is a true science fact! None of this suggests those texts had anything to do with Strzok's conduct in the investigation.
Jesus, Trey Gowdy, let the man do his job. Oh wait, he can't, because your GOP libel campaign against Strzok has ruined his career.
11:13: Trey Gowdy calls all of this "confounding," because he is an idiot who has never sent a lady a text apparently, not without it affecting his ability to do his job.
The minority of the American electorate that supports Donald Trump will never understand that most of us saw Trump as a uniquely un-American danger to the country A LONG GODDAMN TIME AGO.
11:18: GOWDY: Shouldn't you have been kicked off the investigation when you WROTE the bad texts, not when they were discovered?
STRZOK: Uh no, you idiot.
GOWDY: I BEG YOUR GOSHDARN PARDON!
STRZOK: He kicked me off because of the appearance of bias, because MY PERSONAL FUCKING TEXTS were being made public. Not because my work was biased. Literally everybody has political opinions, you fucking dipshit.
GOWDY: I WILL KEEP MY THUMBS UP MY ASS AS MUCH AS I WANT, FBI BOY!
United States House of Representatives, everybody!
And now Strzok is noting that one of his mean texts about Trump was sent after Trump FUCKING ATTACKED A GOLD STAR FAMILY, WHICH WAS DISGUSTING, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW DISGUSTING THAT WAS, TREY GOWDY?
11:22: Strzok very loudly explaining "FBI, how does IT work" to Trey Gowdy, who has no fucking idea, and got a round of applause in the chamber for it.
11:23: Eric Swalwell The Democrat is now motioning for Steve Bannon to be subpoenaed, since he refused to answer a shitload of questions, and if he won't come back, then let's hold him in contempt of Congress, HOW ABOUT THAT?
11:28: Oh look, it is Jim Jordan at the Peter Strzok hearing. Wonder if he's thinking about whether he should have helped all his wrestling buddies out back when they were getting sexually abused all the time and he knew about it.
11:34: "Hi, I am Peter Strzok. I protect America from Russian spies. But right now my time is being wasted by some paste-eating fucknugget traitors."
11:40: ELIJAH CUMMINGS: On a scale of one to "treason," how fucked up is it that the Republicans keep asking you to reveal confidential human FBI sources?
STRZOK: Light treason!
CUMMINGS: Please answer the question on a scale of one to "Devin Nunes" now.
STRZOK: Total fuckin' Devin.
MARK MEADOWS OF THE HOUSE FREEDOM CAUCUS: Stop talking about my light treason right in front of my face like I'm not here!
11:44: CUMMINGS: Please tell us why you didn't drop everything to focus on "BUT HER EMAILS!" when you were investigating whether our greatest foreign adversary Russia was conspiring with the Trump campaign to steal an election.
STRZOK: Holy shit, isn't it obvious?
CUMMINGS: It is, I just wanted you to say it out loud slowly for my dumbest Republican colleagues.
11:49: BOB GOODLATTE: Why did you decide Hillary was innocent before you were even done?
STRZOK: If you're actually good at your FBI job, you can tell where cases are going before they're over, usually.
GOODLATTE: Whatever, Hillary-lover.
11:51: GOODLATTE: Do you understand why very stupid people like me don't understand how the FBI works?
STRZOK: I do, unfortunately.
GOODLATTE: What did you mean when you said you could "smell" Trump supporters?
STRZOK: LOLOLOLOL smells like butts.
12:03: Bob Goodlatte is asking Strzok completely irrelevant questions about jury selection and bias, and trying to say they are the same thing as a high-ranking FBI having his own personal opinions he texted his girlfriend about. Strzok is trying to VERY CALMLY EXPLAIN YET AGAIN how life works, for the hillbilly from VA-06.
12:05: "You were CONDUCTING TEXTS of A VERY BIASED, SALACIOUS MANNER!" That is an actual quote from an actual United States congressman named Bob Goodlatte.
12:13: JERROLD NADLER: Tell us again, are counterintel investigations into hostile foreign powers trying to steal elections more important than Hillary Clinton's yoga Hotmails?
NADLER: Russia still attacking us?
NADLER: Hillary still emailing?
STRZOK: Dunno, haven't checked because I am BIASSSSSSSSSS.
12:22: David Cicilline (D-RI) is starting a fight with Bob Goodlatte (R-Yokel) over whether transcripts of Strzok testimony can just be released, and he's totally threatening to do it himself. (Especially since Republicans have been leaking them selectively to Fox News anyway.) Goodlatte MAD.
Apropos of nothing, here is Paul Manafort's mugshot from his new jail, to make you LOL:
The Alexandria, Virginia Detention Center has put out a mugshot of Paul Manafort after he was booked into the facil… https://t.co/ETfWgTNnbU— David P Gelles (@David P Gelles)1531412037.0
12:26: JERROLD NADLER: Hey Peter Strzok, you mind if we release all these transcripts of yourself talking?
STRZOK: Rock out with your cock out, dude!
12:28: Oh god there are 72 more people who want to ask questions, we are going to be here until next week.
12:30: The current round of questioning is boring so let's liveblog Paul Manafort's hair. It looks nicer than usual, yeah? He looks better when he doesn't have access to his Just For Mens hair dye! And we see that he is experimenting with new hairstyles, IN JAIL! But he obviously doesn't have ANY product, IN JAIL.
Anyway, in the hearing they are relitigating Hillary Clinton's emails some more for the rest of our natural godforsaken lives, and moron Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin just said Strzok's answers "rate FOUR PINNOCHIOS!"
12:37: ZOE LOFGREN, DEMOCRAT OF CALIFORNIA: Hey, if you were doing conspiracies against Donald Trump, wouldn't it have been better if you had leaked all the shit about the investigation before the election?
STRZOK: I reckon!
Just kidding, he didn't say he reckoned, because Zoe Lofgren is just saying obvious things and giving Peter Strzok a rest from saying obvious things.
12:41: Congressman JIMMY DUNCAN, dumbass of Tennessee, is questioning now. His face looks like this all the time:
CONGRESSMAN JIMMY opened his questioning by saying the opening statements from Bob Goodlatte and Trey Gowdy were among the most beautiful and sexually arousing opening statements ever given in the history of the Yoo-Nited States Congress.
12:45: CONGRESSMAN JIMMY: Say you're sorry for sayin' Trump supporters are stinky!
STRZOK: I am sorry for the way you morons are using my texts to undermine the rule of law and protect Putin's little boy Trump. Also maybe I should have used a different word to describe your heinous taint smells, I guess.
12:49: Hey look, it is that bumbling dumpsterfuck Matt Gaetz! So we will get to hear idiot words from him at some point today.
12:59: We zoned out on some moron filibustering from Rep. John Ratcliffe of Texas, who ended his Not Questions by saying, "I'm DONE with this witness!" We're certain we will regret that some day.
Strzok is responding, noting that he is very glad he is here today to help add some FACTS to the conspiracy theories being spouted off by dumbass motherfuckers with an "R" next to their names.
And then this:
BOB GOODLATTE: Are you OK with the release of all your text messages?
STRZOK: Um, the work-related ones, sure?
GOODLATTE: Oh, but how do we know what is quote-unquote "work-related"? Like how does that even work?
STRZOK: Well, you know, if it's about something else that's not work ...
GOODLATTE; YOU WOULD SAY THAT, WOULDN'T YOU!
1:04: EPIC exchange with Rep. Sheila Jackson-Lee right now, like holy shit:
SHEILA JACKSON-LEE: How FUCKIN' dumb is it that we're sitting here talking about Hillary Clinton's emails?
STRZOK: I would not call it #BeBest, that's for sure!
JACKSON-LEE: Did Carter Page become the world's most stupidest Russian intelligence asset because of your texts?
JACKSON-LEE: Did George Papadopoulos drunk-jizz all over an Australian diplomat about Russia stealing Hillary's emails because of your texts?
JACKSON-LEE: Did Trump's dumbfuck son Don Jr. do sexxx conspiracies in Trump Tower with a bunch of Russians because of your texts?
STRZOK: Perhaaaaaaaaaaps? Just kidding, nah.
JACKSON-LEE: When Trump stood on a campaign stage and begged Russia to hack more Hillary emails, did he do that because of your texts?
STRZOK: I'll have to check to see if I texted him that, OH WAIT, I DIDN'T.
JACKSON-LEE: Did you make Paul Manafort a foreign agent traitor?
JACKSON-LEE: What about Michael Flynn?
JACKSON-LEE: Done with this shit.
AND SHE HELD UP PAUL MANAFORT'S NEW MUGSHOT DURING HER QUESTIONING.
1:14: Lunch break!
1:24: Still here? OK fine, eat lunch with us!
Here is one of the two most fucking beautiful moments of the hearing so far, when Peter Strzok stomped on Trey Gowdy's dick repeatedly, even after Gowdy cried "SQUIRREL!" which is his safe word, allegedly:
Wow https://t.co/nyRwPTGojO— Josh Marshall (@Josh Marshall)1531409228.0
2:02: OK it is time to start coming back, as the world's most hilarious TV show will be back on soon! Speaking of, wouldn't it be awesome if we all VOTE OUR ASSES OFF to give the Democrats control of Congress, so they can run this shit? Just a thought.
2:05: Peter Strzok is back at his table and he supposes he is ready for more of this unrepentant bullshit:
2:11: We are back! Darrell Issa is asking some real dumbass questions about Hillary's emails. Meanwhile, the Washington Post livestream decided to briefly go with a more intimate camera angle:
2:12: DARRELL ISSA: You are the target of an investigation!
STRZOK: Nope, not really.
ISSA: You are a target of the very important House Republican investigation that only exists to obstruct justice for Donald Trump and undermine the real investigation!
STRZOK: Oh I thought you meant a real investigation.
And now Issa is making Strzok read his own text messages out loud, including one where he called Trump a "douche," so this is entertaining.
2:15: ISSA: Read this one text where you said the "fuck" word!
STRZOK: *reads text*
ISSA: Read it again!
STRZOK: Did I stutter? Ohhhhhhhh, I see you just get off on this. "Happy to indulge you." (And then he smirked.)
2:17: ISSA: Why did you text that Trump would be a destablilizing president?!?!?!
STRZOK: I said that after Trump literally said he was going to destroy NATO, which he is doing right now.
ISSA: I DID NOT FUCKING ASK FOR A SERIOUS ANSWER TO MY QUESTION!
2:20: So ... Peter Strzok is pretty cute, right? Like, we wouldn't kick him out of bed, unless he wanted to send naughty text messages about Donald Trump on the floor.
2:24: You guys, Chabot of Ohio is talking right now, and he AGAIN brings up the text about how Strzok said he could "smell" the Trump supporters. They are SOOOOOOO butthurt about the factual statement that Trump supporters have a certain foul fart cloud all around their bodies, you know, like Pumbaa in The Lion King:
Awwwwwwww! Trump supporters aren't cute though.
2:27: John Chabot continues by listing off Democratic contributions from people on the Mueller team, because it is illegal for Democrats to do investigations. We wish Peter Strzok would just note that being good at jobs that involve thinking has a well-known liberal bias, but he is instead saying something about how they are the "best in America," they are unbiased, and they are patriots.
2:28: OH HEY, OUR OWN PERSONAL CONGRESSMAN, STEVE COHEN OF MEMPHIS!
You wish you had a personal congressman from Memphis like Steve Cohen.
2:30: COHEN: How many fucking Russian spies have you vanquished? (He is talking about the "Illegals" investigation, the one we referenced above.)
STRZOK: Like a million.
COHEN: You should get a medal!
STRZOK: I would wear it!
COHEN: Are the Russians total shit, and wouldn't it be nice if the president of the United States, who is about to have a meeting in Helsinki with his handler, the Russian president, actually knew that?
STRZOK: Ayup! And also AYUP!
This is a very grown-up conversation Cohen and Strzok are having. It doesn't seem like the House of Representatives AT ALL.
2:34: Fuckin' Jim Jordan time!
JORDAN: Who is David Corn?????
STRZOK: You know exactly who he is.
JORDAN: Who is Glenn Simpson?????
STRZOK: You know the answer to that too.
JORDAN: I'm just going to bark names at you so Sean Hannity can have some sexxx clips for tonight. That cool?
STRZOK: Just gonna sit over here and Strzok out with my cock out while you get it out of your system.
(Jim Jordan is getting weird here, as usual. David Corn is a Mother Jones reporter and Glenn Simpson is the head of Fusion GPS. Everybody knows this. Maybe if Jim Jordan had been READING A BOOK instead of protecting sports doctors who molest wrestlers, he wouldn't be wasting all our time right now.)
2:44: Hahahahahahahaha, Trey Gowdy is SO MAD right now. If you were watching this morning, the first fight, just after the hearing started, was about interviews Strzok did in the first week of the Russia investigation. Strzok said he couldn't answer, as per FBI counsel. Now, the Republicans are back from lunch and have been told that Strzok can answer that question, as per FBI counsel. So Gowdy asks again who Strzok interviewed that week, to which replies, "I'd have to check the case logs."
And then he grinned like this:
2:48: Hey you guys, actual breathing human beings elected every single person to this picture to represent them. Isn't that fucking unbelievable?
2:54: Trey Gowdy keeps stealing errrrrbody else's time, so he can read Peter Strzok's texts, because we haven't seen any of those before.
2:56: Look, a Nazi with a tan:
2:59: We're about 20 minutes from a Republican congressman publicly asking Vladimir Putin to hack Peter Strzok's private texts.
3:06: Democratic Rep. Hank Johnson of Georgia just did a very nice recitation of all the great things Peter Strzok has done in his career to protect America from hostile foreign actors and concluded by saying, "I'm looking forward to Republicans finishing up with this DAMN Peter Strzok text investigation!"
Republicans, not taking that cue at all, announced that it is GOHMERT TIME, GODDAMN!
He is screaming conspiracy theory bullshit about Hillary Clinton's emails.
3:11: OH MY GOD LOUIE GOHMERT JUST ACCUSED PETER STRZOK OF LYING AND THEN SAID IF HE'S NOT A LIAR THEN HOW MANY TIMES DID HE LOOK INTO HIS "WIFE'S EYE" AND LIE TO HER WHEN HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH LISA PAGE AND THEN SOME CONGRESSLADY SCREAMED SOMETHING ABOUT LOUIE GOHMERT BEING "OFF HIS MEDICATION" HOLY SHIT WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING.
He concluded by asking if Peter Strzok and Hillary Clinton ever hang out, and Strzok was like "nah" and Gohmert basically said Hillary is a total bitch for never thanking Peter Strzok for his BIASSSSSSSSS.
3:17: Democratic Rep. Gerry Connolly just said this is basically a Russian "show trial," because it fucking is.
3:19: Connolly continues by reading a list of statements about how Donald Trump is a piece of shit and asking Strzok if they were all his texts. SPOILER: They are all statements from Republicans, some of whom are sitting there in that room, during the campaign!
3:22: Some cornpone tumbleweed cousinfucker GOP congressman from Texas trying the whole "Juries can't be BIAASSSSSSS, so why can you?" thing again. Because apparently longtime FBI counterintel agents aren't allowed to have opinions. Are they even allowed to vote?
3:25: *BANJO STRUM*
I WOULDN'T LET YOU ON NO JURY NOT NEVER, AND YEW KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU'RE A TEXTER!
3:34: GOP REP. TOM MARINO: This is the FBI handbook right here.
STRZOK: It is!
MARINO: Can you read the part I just wrote in the margins with a purple crayon where it says, "NO SEXTING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP"?
STRZOK: I ... just ... I ... what are ...
3:36: Marino is taking a different tack here. He says Strzok is "his own worst enemy" and that he has a REAL BAD ATTITUDE, and boy oh boy, it's not that he's mad, it's just that Marino is disappointed and he doesn't know if he'll ever trust Strzok enough to let him go out with his friends on Friday night without adult supervision EVER AGAIN.
3:38: Peter Strzok is VERY SCOLDED right now:
3:43: By the way, we said earlier that we'd have more details about why we're not watching Strzok's PARTNER IN CRIME SEXTING Lisa Page testify right now. We have more on that right now, written by yr Five Dollar Feminist!
3:45: Strzok had to consult with counsel about a thing, so of course the camera panned to Jim Jordan LOOKIN' LIKE A GRRRRRR!
Maybe he's just wondering when the next wrestler is going to come forward.
3:47: JIM JORDAN: Am I interpreting your emails about the Steele Dossier and Fusion GPS correctly, or am I just fuckin' dumb?
STRZOK: The second one.
JIM JORDAN: Let's play a game! I'm going to say random names of people and you have to guess whether it's somebody in the DEEP STATE or a wrestler who got sexually assaulted at OSU while I did nothing about it. You game?
3:52: Rep. Luis Gutierrez of Illinois right now like "Know who's having jizz 'splosions right now about this hearing? Hannity and Putin. Sticky sticky sticky, all over the Kremlin and in the Fox studios! Gross, right? Never thought I'd see this shit in the House of Representatives!"
He concludes, "OK, Kremlin! Another good day for you!"
3:56: Fine Republican Rep. Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, gettin' some clarifications:
DESJARLAIS: Don't your text messages mean you're biased? Or am I just a dumbfuck who doesn't get stuff?
STRZOK: The second thing. It's always the second thing.
3:59: Trey Gowdy is starting to fall apart after having his dick punched so much all day:
4:00: OK y'all, Gowdy just punched his OWN dick, trying to say Peter Strzok is BIASSSS because he never used the word "impeachment" about Hillary Clinton, whereas he DID use it about Trump. Now ... we could type a thing about why that's OMG stupid, but we gotta pay attention to Gowdy punching his own dick some more.
4:06: DUMBSHIT REP. RAUL LABRADOR: What is a bias?
STRZOK: When your personal beliefs interfere with your ability to do your job.
LABRADOR: Are you a bias?
STRZOK: I am not a bias.
LABRADOR: WHY DIDN'T YOU INVESTIGATE IT WHEN RUSSIA STOLE THE 2012 ELECTION FOR BARACK OBAMA?
4:11: Can somebody please go drop our laundry off at the dry cleaners and run to the grocery store for us? Need head of butter lettuce (i.e. NOT GODDAMN ROMAINE) and ground black pepper, the good kind not the shitty kind please? Also alcohol. Because OH MY GOD WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER?
4:16: LOL Democratic Rep. Hakeem Jeffries of New York just called the Republicans the "cover-up caucus." And now he's talking about Roy Moore being a big pedo and oooooooooh hey, Jim Jordan, he totally could talk about you right now, but he's not gonna because he's #classy.
4:20: Oh yay, it is Trey Gowdy's turn again. He is reading texts from Strzok, and feigning shock. Strzok called him an "intelligent, sophisticated man" who probably has the brain smarts to figure out if a person is being snarky in a text. Gowdy did not agree that he's that smart.
Strzok is punching Gowdy in the dick again. It's fun.
By the way, Rep. David Cicilline wasn't fucking around earlier when he said he was going to release the transcript of Strzok's closed door testimony:
4:25: Peter Strzok does not suffer Republican traitor fools gladly:
Trey Gowdy's yap mouthing led to a fight where Democratic Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman of New Jersey openly called for Gowdy to shut his fucking mouth, pointing out that "THIS IS NOT BENGHAZI!" When Gowdy agreed to STFU, she said "Hallelujah" OUT LOUD.
YOU TELL 'EM.
Watson Coleman concluded, "If anybody should be pissed at the FBI [...] it should be me. [The Republicans] should be applauding you, kissing you, and giving you awards, because [if it weren't for you] we would have a LEGITIMATE PRESIDENT." She of course was referring to James Comey opening his fatfuck mouth 11 DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION about Hillary's damn emails.
4:37: Peter Strzok just called some Georgia dumbfuck congressman a liar for openly lying about him to his face, we dunno, we went to pour some coffee.
4:40: DEMOCRATIC REP. DAVID CICILLINE: All our intelligence agencies and the Republican-led Senate Intel Committee agree that Russia interfered with the election to help Trump. They lyin'?
CICILLINE: Why Trump lyin' about it, then?
STROK: Dunno *COUGH*PUTIN OWNS HIM*COUGH*
CICILLINE: What's these other House GOP fuckers' problem?
STROK: I don't have the foggiest.
4:47: Questioning now by Rep. Ron DeSantis, who is one of the fuckin' stupidest in the entire chamber. He is just blah blah blah DOSSIER FUSION GPS HILLARY CLINTON PERKINS COIE and accusing the FBI of opening an investigation into the "opposing party," because we guess the FBI is a Democrat and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ:
4:54: Oh fun! Democratic Rep. Raja Krishnamoorthi is trying to bait Strzok into answering questions about Rudy Giuliani's rogue cabal of radicalized New York FBI agents, you know, the ones who had a "deep and visceral hatred" for Hillary Clinton, and who were leaking actual lies to Rudy Giuliani. The existence of those folks is part of why James Comey inserted Hillary's emails back into the campaign 11 DAYS BEFORE THE FUCKING ELECTION, according to the IG report.
Strzok not taking the bait though :(
(BECAUSE HE IS A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL AND THERE IS ALMOST 100% CERTAINLY AN OPEN INVESTIGATION INTO THAT RIGHT NOW.)
4:57: Side view of two dipshits:
5:01: JIM JORDAN IS MAKING ANGRY SCREAM WORDS AGAIN BECAUSE HE IS VERY ANGRY, but don't worry, he's not angry about those kids that got molested on his watch, that's totally NBD.
Anyway, there was a thing where the FBI lawyers said Strzok could actually answer this thing Jim Jordan wanted to hear and then Jim Jordan got a wrestler boner out of joy because he was pretty sure Strzok was going to tell him the #SmokingGun that proves Jim Jordan's conspiracy theories true but unfortunately Strzok didn't tell him the #SmokingGun and afterward the only #SmokingGun in the room was Jim Jordan's dick, because he blew his wad too early again.
Also they are on a break now because they are "voting" like "adults" who are in "Congress." Are we going to come back after this break, or are we going to say fuck it? STAY AND FIND OUT.
5:20: Oh, HEY-O!
Gonna get the transcript of the earlier hearing, hell yeah we are!
By the way, we are still on a break and we are going to run A Errand, but we will be back soon, so TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES.
5:55: OH SHIT IT'S BACK! Damn, we run one tiny errand and now we missed it all! Anyway, we were listening in the car (we are a #professional) and we heard some Democrat saying "is it bad when subjects of investigations tamper with investigations?" and Strzok was like "yeah bro" and now Mark Meadows is showing us what happens when he does shadow puppets with his hands and his head ALL THE WAY UP HIS ASS.
Or something like that.
6:04: Yay! It's a crazy congressman from Florida! BOO! It's not Matt Gaetz. He probably has to wait unti last, either because he's brand new at Congress and everybody outranks him, or maybe because he's stupider than Louie Gohmert and GOP leadership doesn't like it when innocent Americans are able to see his superhumanly large head and very stupid face.
6:06: GOP CONGRESSMAN: Read the ethics handbook, Peter Strzok!
STRZOK: You read it, horse blower.
CONGRESSMAN: I did!
STRZOK: Apparently you can't read.
CONGRESSMAN: I will go slam my dick in the door a bunch of times now like a common Trey Gowdy.
6:09: GOP congressman states baselessly that the FBI's reputation has been tarnished (by the House GOP). He says this because moron Republicans really think normal people think like they do. Strzok basically kicks him in the face again and says dude is free to say whatever the fuck he wants to say, it's still not reality.
In conclusion and in summary, eat me.
Anyway, now Ted Lieu is talking. He looooooves the camera so we'll let him yap for a bit.
6:13: TED LIEU: Chris Wray is a Republican who gave moneys to Republicans. Do you trust him to do his job?
STRZOK: Sure thing.
LIEU: Jeff Sessions is a big Republican who gives LOTS of reacharounds to Republicans. Do you trust him?
STRZOK: Let me see if I can figure out how to answer you that without saying "LMAO!"
6:17: Oh my god this dipshit Rep. Mark Walker of North Carolina just seriously used the words "unlimited data plan" when asking how Strzok could POSSIBLY send 50,000 texts and Strzok got the giggles and then it was time for Strzok to respond but OH NOOOOOOOOO, HE CAN'T, because it is somehow Jim Jordan's turn to talk about the DOSSIER and not that wrestler molester he (allegedly LOL) protected.
6:20: Oh very nice, Peter Strzok kindly tells Mark Walker to FUCK OFF for impugning his integrity. Please tell more of these Congress-Sharts to FUCK OFF, Peter Strzok, and do it MORE LOUDER.
6:24: Maryland Rep. Jamie Raskin is doing that funny thing where he lists off Republicans like Rex Tillerson saying Trump is a fucking moron and asking if they are also part of the Deep State conspiracy Peter Strzok started with his sexts. Strzok says they are not, but Hillary Clinton probably told him to say that.
6:27: FUCK YES, MATT GAETZ! (Is a thing nobody has ever said upon seeing Matt Gaetz's grotesquely large head and misshapen face.)
6:29: MATT GAETZ: DID ROBERT MUELLER ASK YOU ABOUT THIS TEXT MESSAGE?
GAETZ: DID HE ASK YOU ABOUT THIS OTHER TEXT MESSAGE?
STRZOK: He didn't ask me about any of my sexts.
GAETZ: IF BOB MUELLER IS NOT ASKING ABOUT YOUR PRIVATE SEXTS, WHAT KIND OF AN INVESTIGATOR EVEN IS HE? I LOOK LIKE I'M ABOUT 48, BUT I'M ONLY 36 AND I AM BRAND FUCKIN' NEW AT THIS CONGRESS THING! HOW AM I DOIN'?
STRZOK: About as well as Trump is doing on his NATO trip, I guess.
6:35: Rep. Val Demings (D-FL) just TAUGHT SCHOOL to everyone acting like there is some FBI "scandal," noting that for God's sake, "THE PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER IS SITTING IN JAIL!" Also just said she never fucking imagined she'd have to be defending the Department of Justice/FBI from Republicans.
We like this congresslady!
6:39: Rep. Jody Hice of Georgia, a fucking idiot:
HICE: Why they put yew on the Hillary investigatin' AND the Trump investigatin'?
STRZOK: Dude, I was the deputy director of the counterintel division. If there's a big counterintel investigation, I WAS GONNA BE THERE. Did you do any fucking homework before you pulled your dick out just now?
HICE: Bubba we don't talk about our dicks in Georgia, I ain't some kinda fag.
6:43: Oh Jesus Willikers. Strzok is like "Can I respond?" and Bob Goodlatte, that fucker, LITERALLY says that he better do it quick since Jody Hice's five minute rant wasn't even posed as a question.
Yeah, Peter The Sexter Boy, don't you understand that how this works is Republicans yell and play with their poo for five minutes straight using only DECLARATIVE SENTENCES because this actually has nothing to do with you? Catch up, bro!
6:48: "I'm a dentist. So I read body language VERY, VERY WELL."
Rep. Paul Gosar of Arizona, y'all. Impressive, don't you think?
Anyway, that is definitely how things work.
6:55: Goofus is a GOP congressman who probably should be required to wear a helmet for his own protection. Gallant is like "What did America learn from Peter Strzok's testimony? That Peter Strzok is KINDA HOT RIGHT?"
Anyway, we're on the real dead-end, unimportant GOP congressmen now, so this shit should be over soon.
7:05: LOL and now some pissant little boy congressman from Arizona, Andy is trying to FBI-splain how criminal investigations work, TO THE FBI.
OK, buddy! Your five minutes are almost over!
And yet again, Peter Strzok is not allowed to respond to all the lies Andy Biggs just told, because ANDY BIGGS DID NOT PHRASE HIS LIES AS A QUESTION.
This is such a fucking joke.
7:10: Here is Rep. Glenn Grothman of Wisconsin, who appears to be a walking, talking shit-grundle full of authentic Wisconsin cheese. He is explaining to Peter Strzok that Washington DC is very weird because nobody voted for El Presidente Dipshit there, whereas other places are normal, because people love Trump in other places. We are guessing Grothman is also very upset that Peter Strzok texted about how you can smell Trump supporters from far away, because they smell like unwashed poop.
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7:24: This is Rep. John Rutherford of Florida. He is displaying for the class that he has no fucking idea how FISA warrants work. It is not every entertaining. GOODBYE, JOHN RUTHERFORD, YOU BORE US!
BY THE WAY, FUN FACT: Did you know that every single Republican idiot we are making fun of right now is running for re-election in November? And that there are badass Democrats running against EVERY ONE OF THEM! Look up their districts if they're nearby, or if they're far away! Send their Democratic opponents money or volunteer! FIRE ALL THESE ASSHOLES.
7:29: Awwwwwww, YOU GUYS! This is Rep. Gary Palmer of Alabama! He says during this very hearing, he has said prayers to Jesus about Peter Strzok's bad attitude! Isn't that nice, everyone? Gary Palmer said a little prayer!
7:31: Oh great, that asshole Karen Handel is going to filibuster now. You know, the dickhead who beat that sweet Jon Ossoff in Georgia. She says Peter Strzok's testimony has been "remarkable ... in its disingenuousness." She also just said PETER STRZOK has an "awesome talent for filibustering." Then she filibustered more.
Fuck you, Karen Handel.
7:41: Peter Strzok is saying IN SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION (no, it's not over yet), he never thought his late night nudie sexts about Donald Trump would be public, but that he takes comfort in the fact that he has done really badass work his whole life and that all the haters can get fucked. (We may have translated that from Very Nice Professional Talk into Wonk-ese.)
7:47: Some dingus named Keith Rothfus has been yip-yapping about Hillary's emails for a thousand years now. Strzok looks sleepy. C'mere, Peter, we'll snuggle you to sleep, IN A SEX WAY.
7:49: Here is a Kentucky Goat named James Comer, who is a GOP congressman, and whose Twitter handle is (we shit you not) KYComer. (KENTUCKY CUMMER!)
The KENTUCKY CUMMER would like to know if the Hillary emails investigation was recorded, and if not, WHY NOT? He is also on the record very hurt that Peter Strzok says Trump voters smell like molten shit lava.
NEVER FORGIT THE KENTUCKY CUMMER!
7:57: OH MY GOD THEY ARE FINISHING! (Not the KENTUCKY CUMMER. He finished a minute ago.)
Bob Goodlatte is now making his final remarks about how he's going to go home and cry tonight because the Democrats called his stupid fucking hearing fucking stupid. Why do Democrats hate the Constitution? That is what Bob Goodlatte wants to know.
Also Goodlatte says Congress has been "blocked from performing its oversight duty" in this hearing today, which is just obvious because Peter Strzok sat there for 10 FUCKING HOURS and answered their questions, on the rare occasion that GOP fuck-weasels wanted to ask them, which was not usually.
And now it is officially over. Please tip your bartenders by clicking below, because live-bloggin' ain't free, and again, we ain't got no George Soros money. Give us some George Soros money!
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